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  1. #1
    Rogue Mutt
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    The Outcast Query

    Reading John Oberon's critique of the prologue on his website, I thought it might be nice if people had a little better idea what the story is actually about. So here's a first attempt at a query. I'm sure it needs a hookier hook.
    #
    How far would you go to avenge the death of your father? For Robin Howe, revenge leads her to becoming a hero.

    When her police captain father is blown up by a ruthless gangster known as Madame Crimson, Robin swears she’ll do whatever it takes to bring Madame Crimson’s empire down. After roughing up a couple of low-level thugs, she attempts something bigger, which lands her in the hospital and several months of painful rehabilitation.

    To protect Robin from reprisals, her father’s former partner gives her a new identity that sends her to St. Martha’s Academy for Young Ladies in rural New Hampshire. There she tries to keep a low profile, which isn’t easy when Madame Crimson’s spoiled daughter Tonya takes a special interest in making Robin’s life there a living hell. Yet when a rival gangster tries to kidnap Tonya, Robin has to embrace her heroic destiny by saving Tonya’s life.

    At X words, The Outcast [working title] is both a superhero story and coming-of-age story.



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I like it with two minor nits:

    How far would you go to avenge the death of your father? For Robin Howe, revenge leads her to becoming a hero.

    When her police captain father is blown up by a ruthless gangster known as Madame Crimson, Robin swears she’ll do whatever it takes to bring Madame Crimson’s empire down. After roughing up a couple of low-level thugs, she attempts something bigger, which lands her in the hospital for several months of painful rehabilitation.

    To protect Robin from reprisals, her father’s former partner gives her a new identity that sends her to St. Martha’s Academy for Young Ladies in rural New Hampshire. There she tries to keep a low profile, which isn’t easy when Madame Crimson’s spoiled daughter Tonya takes a special interest in making Robin’s life there a living hell. Yet when a rival gangster tries to kidnap Tonya, Robin decides to embrace her heroic destiny by saving Tonya’s life.

    At X words, The Outcast [working title] is both a superhero story and coming-of-age story.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Hey Rogue,

    I think the story sounds interesting, but I have a couple of issues with the query.

    The hook doesn't really work. The question you pose doesn't really mesh with Robin becoming a hero. For me the question of how far someone would go to get revenge would relate to what they put at risk or how immoral the actions they were willing to take would be.

    Based on what you reveal about the story it seems to me that a more accurate and compelling hook would focus on Robin's dilemma between getting revenge for her father's death or saving the daughter of his killer.

    Also I think it would be good to make it clear that Robin is a teenager upfront. I assumed she was an adult for the first two paragraphs.

    Other than that, me like-y

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