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  1. #51
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    10
    Tousle



  2. #52
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by lyn's beginning View Post
    I don't think a hygienist would tousled a teenaged boy's hair, it made me think he was a child. "become girlfriend" is maybe a little stiff of a phrase, notice me, be interested, smile back, be together- I don't know, but I don't think teenaged boys daydream about getting to be called a boyfriend.

    I might want to know what his chances with Linda are, But it has to be more than a clear smile that changes his story right? Can you hint at where you are going or what else is in your\his way in this intro?
    If you'd read the whole thread you'd know that was actually a modified version of "Ender's Game" posted to trap Jay Greenstein.

  3. #53
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    18
    Hi. This is a good start. The following are some initial reactions:

    "Smiled very nicely" - not that evocative.

    "Not boyfriend and girlfriend, probably. No, Linda was too popular. Friends. She won't hate me." - simple and concise. However, if you write "She won't hate me", then you might as well write "Linda IS too popular."

  4. #54
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Carl Magnus View Post
    Hi. This is a good start. The following are some initial reactions:

    "Smiled very nicely" - not that evocative.

    "Not boyfriend and girlfriend, probably. No, Linda was too popular. Friends. She won't hate me." - simple and concise. However, if you write "She won't hate me", then you might as well write "Linda IS too popular."
    See my comment above.

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