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  1. #1
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    Query - The Dark Syndicate

    To Agent:

    Two sisters start recruiting a band of misfit minions to take revenge on Heaven and Hell, little do they know, one minion will change everything.

    A prophecy revealed three females with Heaven and Hell at their back. Earth lays at their feet in ruins. Only three very certain females would even attempt the impossible of defeating Heaven and Hell’s armies.

    Fallen and Raien are twins, born from an unlikely affair. Fallen’s demon side drives her to cause mischief in Heaven. She finds herself alone and lost on Earth. Raien is preparing to rule Heaven, making her life already planned out for her. When Fallen leaves, she feels abandoned and alone. Raien embarks on a voyage to hunt for her lost sister.

    The third woman, Kessar, creates a creature and a secret comes out that even she is unaware of. The secret forces her to flee for her life. Tormented by her inner demons, she is forced to wander Earth alone, looking for a way to come to terms with herself.

    Fallen and Raien embark on a life long journey, searching for what they believe is vengeance. However, they discover violence is not always the answer.

    THE DARK SYNDICATE is a 59,000 word fantasy novel that is planned on being a three part series, with potential for more.

    Thank you for your time and consideration,
    Rae-Ann ******
    Email: ********* Phone: **********



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I have no clue what your story is about. If this is the query you sent to agents, it's no wonder you received no response. Does your story have any point to it, or do the characters just do random things like this query seems to indicate?

    59K is pretty short for a fantasy novel. Pretty hard sell.

    You might want to visit queryshark or agentquery to get a leg up on query writing.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 01-26-2015 at 05:19 AM.

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
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    After the first paragraph the wheels come off this query.

  4. #4
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    Revised?

    Two sisters start recruiting a band of misfit minions to take revenge on Heaven and Hell, little do they know, one minion will change everything.

    The Devil and Godís wife have an affair, resulting in three unexpected children.

    Fallen pulls too many pranks in Heaven. God decides to send her to Hell. In Hell, she tries to overpower the Devil. The Devil learns of her act, sending her to Earth.

    Raien finds herself surrounded by people who are her friends because of her talent. She is expected to excel and prepare to take over Heaven. When her sister leaves for Earth, Raien loses site of her sister and promptly leaves for Earth.

    Kessarís life is threatened by her brother after she creates a creature, forcing a secret to reveal itself. She finds herself on Earth, lost and alone, trying to tame her demonic side.

    They all find themselves experiencing life one trial at a time, meeting new creatures and people, ultimately finding out they all just want one thing: Acceptance.

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
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    Now the first sentence is awful too. Anyway, you need to fix your manuscript before trying to write a query. Otherwise it's a big waste of time.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah, I vote you work on your story before you start querying. That query just sounds like a hodge-podge going in five different directions, not a story.

  7. #7
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    First thing, yes I am working on the manuscript and working on lengthening it. I have several notes, ideas, and scenes to add in. However, when you have a tug on your brain, forcing you to write something, you have to follow it. Well, today I had the familiar tug for the query letter. Before you ask, I am not sending it until the Manuscript is ready...I know that rule. Anyway...On to the query!



    Query:


    The Devil meet’s Amira’s eyes. He cannot proceed with this scandalous affair, not with his best friend’s wife, can he? The two cannot stop themselves and continue to have three girls…all three eventually agreeing to conquer Heaven, Hell, and Earth, in a way no one suspected.

    Twin sisters, Fallen and Raien, live in Heaven.

    The demon side of Fallen torments her, resulting her Father banning her to Hell. Fallen immediately starts learning how to take over Hell. She tries, and fails, causing her to be sent to Earth. She struggles to find her place on Earth.

    Raien is expected to replace her Father and rule Heaven. Her friends only hang out with her because of what she is, not because of who she is. Once Fallen leaves Hell, Raien loses site of her sister, immediately fleeing to Earth.

    Kessar, the youngest of the three, lives in Hell. The Devil orders her to create a creature whose purpose is to help with the organization of souls. A secret is revealed in the process, forcing Kessar to flee for her life. Many, many years down the line, she finds herself in Fallen and Raien’s ranks, ready to enact revenge and return home.

    They find themselves in a new dimension, surrounded by misfit minions, and plotting the perfect plan to conquer all.
    Last edited by Kessar; 01-29-2015 at 05:21 AM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, this still makes no sense to me. Fallen's father, the King of Hell, banishes (not banning) her to hell? And the Devil rules heaven too? Because "Raien is expected to replace her Father and rule Heaven." Kessar wants to "enact revenge"? For what?

    I really think you should just forget the query for now and work on the book, because if you can't tell me the story in 300-400 words, then you most likely have no story to tell.

  9. #9
    Rogue Mutt
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    Great it's another Craig.

  10. #10
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    Let me break this down for you...

    The Devil has an affair with God's wife. They have three kids. Fallen and Raien stay in Heaven with Amira (the wife) and God (the "father", which they don't know he is not the real father). Kessar lives in Hell...with the Devil (not knowing the angelic blood that coarse through her veins).

    Fallen's demonic blood forces her to cause chaos in Heaven through pranks. God becomes annoyed, banishes Fallen to Hell. There she tries to conquer Hell through various acts (releasing demon babies to distract Hell's guards). Satan (half brother which you learn in the story and is irrelevant for the query), finds out, informs the Devil, who stops Fallen before she can succeed. He sends her to Earth.

    Raien is gifted with the arts. She is expected to replace her father (God) when he retires. Her friends all hang out with her because she's God's daughter, because she is gifted with the arts. So when Fallen leaves for Hell, she feels alone and abandoned. Once Raien learns of Fallen is on Earth, she leaves for Earth in search for her sister.

    Kessar lives in Hell with the Devil (her father). In her teenage years, he wants her to create a creature. The creature requires good and evil magic to bring it back to life. Without knowing it, she uses her angelic powers within her to help bring her creature to life. Satan (half brother) sees that she has angel in her. Considering it is illegal to be an angel in Hell, he threatens her life. She flees for Earth.

    While on Earth, the three go through time through trials and events. Fallen and Raien finally meet each other in the Feudal Japan. Victorian era, they decide to conquer Heaven and Hell...boredom? Maybe...but more out of revenge. Revenge because you'll see in the story, Amira is a drunken mother, and God is an absent father, and Fallen sees it as the Devil abandoning them (all for the story and not for the query letter).

    Fallen and Raien begin to recruit an army for the take over. Flash forward a dozen minions and to 2007. Fallen and Raien find Kessar, recruiting her into their army. One day while hanging out at the Army's headquarters, Kessar watches the minions and mistresses all interacting and realizes they did not create a home, but an army.

    Is it a hodge podge of a story? Yes, but there's a beginning (Affair) a Middle (time, several events) and an End (family, home and acceptance). So in the end I know exactly what the manuscript is, it is just about filling in details and finding out exactly how to put all of this.

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