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  1. #1
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Raining Drops of Self Reflection

    This was a poem I wrote probably over a year ago. I really enjoy it, but I wanted everyone else's opinion. Harsh or polite, I don't care, so have at it.

    There’s a storm rolling in as we speak.
    The cloud cover comes and the mood reaches it’s peak.
    Most become down, but I become enlightened.
    The sparkle it gives the city makes me feel brightened.

    I can’t help but get the cheerful sense,
    That when the rain pours down it puts an end to the nonsense.
    Everything seems to stop,
    And puts nature back on top.

    It trickles down in a remarkable display,
    And wipes away the long lasting decay.
    Bricks become more red, the roads become more black,
    The grass grows greener, and the color is all put back.

    So pour down rain, and erase my pain.
    Without it there is no gain.
    Fall down in sheets upon my lonely soul.
    It’s time I found a new goal.



  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    That should be "its peak", not "it's peak".

    Rhyme without consistent meter throws me off. To me, a poem should have both or neither.

    "more red" and "more black" sound odd. They should be redder and blacker to match the greener in the next line, although I understand you're trying to rhyme.

    I rather like the imagery (rain = happy, more or less), but the structure isn't doing it any favors.

  3. #3
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    I'm usually such a grammar nazi, I can't believe I missed the "its". Thanks for pointing that out.

    Maybe it's because I wrote it, but the length of the sentences have never bothered me. Thanks for the tips though, I'll remember them for sure.

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    It's not terrible...which is a pretty good review coming from me, lol.

    I think what hurts it the most is the final verse. It reads like you were casting about for some kind of ending and settled for that. It doesn't really fit with the other verses, and I don't really know what point you're trying to make. Reads like you were just trying to rhyme and not too concerned with overall meaning. You have a fuzzy antecedent with "it" - could refer either to the erasure or the pain. If "it" refers to the pain, then you don't want the rain to erase it because then there's no gain (whatever you mean by that).

    The language needs more tightening and precision...more deliberateness.

  5. #5
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Thanks John, I appreciate the input.

    The last line was to indicate that this man was reflecting on life in general, and to show that, like the rain, he wanted to be cleansed and start over.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    According to the poem, the rain is not cleansed; it cleanses. Better to compare the man to the earth or nature where "the color is all put back".

    So what does "it" refer to?
    Last edited by John Oberon; 08-21-2013 at 01:48 AM.

  7. #7
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    I worded my last post wrong. The man wanted his life to be cleansed like the rain did to his environment.

    I'm not sure what you mean by "it". Usually it's just referring to the rain.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I think your poem suffers from wrong and careless wording as well. Those kind of mistakes stand out about hundred times more in poetry than in prose. Do you want me to explain, or should I let it go at "It's not terrible"?

    I mean the word "it" in the line "Without it there is no gain." To what does it refer?

  9. #9
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    I would agree that last part is poorly worded. Go ahead and critique all you like. This is an old piece that I just wanted to share to get everyone's take on.

  10. #10
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Alrighty then...let's start at the beginning:

    There’s a storm rolling in as we speak.
    The cloud cover comes and the mood reaches its peak.
    Most become down, but I become enlightened.
    The sparkle it gives the city makes me feel brightened.


    From this verse, we know that the narrator is standing outside somewhere talking with a group of people, when storm clouds approach. When the clouds are overhead, the narrator says the mood of the group “reaches its peak”. We have no clue what kind of mood “reaches its peak” - they might be shouting in anger or laughing in hilarity, but whatever the mood, it crescendos as the clouds are overhead.

    “Most become down” indicates the mood that “reaches its peak” when the clouds are overhead was perhaps not a very good one. I have been in a jocular, merry group of people when a downpour threatened. The women squeal and laugh and the men chuckle as they run for cover. They do not “become down”. I have also been in a serious or angry group of people threatened by the thunder of a storm. The threat cools passions to a kind of depressing smolder. For this reason, I think the narrator’s group was discussing something of a serious nature that may have ignited some passion when the storm approached. Note that you never actually say that it rains in that verse, only that storm clouds appear. You might want to remedy that.

    In contrast to the others in the group, the narrator “becomes enlightened”. He receives an epiphany, some sort of knowledge or insight that he didn’t possess before the storm clouds appeared. No clue what the insight is. The narrator states that the sparkle that the storm overhead gives the city brightens his mood. This is, of course, false and ridiculous. Even if it does rain, nothing sparkles in a storm; everything is gray and overcast. The sparkle comes after the rain is over, when the skies clear and the sun appears…lots of sparkle then. The narrator’s mood could be brightened in expectation of that sparkle, but not because he sees it right then.

    This is how I understand that first verse. I know it’s not the meaning that you intended to convey, but it is the meaning you wrote. Shall I continue?
    Last edited by John Oberon; 08-22-2013 at 10:26 AM.

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