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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2014

    Query - DAY OF THE BLACK MOON (revised)

    Hello everyone,

    We got some great critiques last time, and we re-worked the query and are posting it again. Once again, any feedback is appreciated. We let off the "about us" paragraph this time, because we're still fixing that one.

    THE DAY OF THE BLACK MOON is a 121,000 word epic fantasy with multiple points of views. This is the first of a four book series; we are drafting book two and outlining three and four. Fans of Tad William’s Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn will find a similar balance between character focus and world building (only included if the agent wants comparisons).

    Cale, born and raised in the capital, lives a simple life until the elven Princess Alina knocks on his door. He’s prophesied to save the world, but can an ordinary elf really become a hero? He accepts his destiny but can’t decide if he fears it or his trainer more. (Alt Line: He accepts his destiny, taking up the sword—and keeps dropping it during training sessions.) Cale continues to fail, and Alina doubts his capabilities.

    As the two-hearted hero, Cale is foretold to kill the djinn emperor and bring peace to the continent of Atia. The elves in Calista, and the djinn in Ubel stand on the brink of another war. Cale couldn’t have arrived at a better time. Yet, it seems like the djinn emperor and Cale are pawns in someone else’s game.

    An act shakes Atia’s foundations and leaves the ground soaked in blood, and it may cause the death of magic. The tragedy forces an unprepared Cale to move faster than the elves planned. Cale’s already stumbling, and this push could make him fall. Cale stands between the annihilation of elves, the death of magic, and war with the djinn, but his inadequacy will let others to rise in his stead. (should/can we re-phrase this last sentence as a question or do agents not like that kind of thing?)
    Last edited by Toriel; 06-25-2014 at 08:56 PM.

  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    You should move that first paragraph to the end so you can draw them in with an opening that isn't stating bland facts. Maybe start with a question like: What if the Chosen One isn't the chosen one? Or maybe something like: When Cale is picked as the Chosen One to save the kingdom of Atia, he may end up doing more harm than good.

  3. #3
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Columbus, Ohio
    I don't think you need any more questions, I have plenty, lol. Is Calista the capital? Is Cale saving the world or just the continent of Atia? What is this prophecy, where did it come from, and how do they know Cale's the man? What's this djinn fellow got against elves? What the heck is an "act"? Is it an earthquake or a war or some kind of curse or what? The elves push Cale to move faster to do...what?

    Pretty darn vague. It's like you're trying NOT to tell the story. There's clumsy Cale, some murky djinn emperor, and an undefined "act", and for some unknown reason, these blurry elements are in some kind of conflict that Cale will somehow resolve. Does that sound like a gripping story to you? A bit more specificity, please.

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