HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 1 2
Results 11 to 13 of 13
  1. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    689
    Hi Naomi,

    First, fell free to ignore my comments. I may not have time to comment on all of your revision, but will do what I can. My comments are in CAPS. Not yelling at you, just making them easy to see.

    Off the coast of Greece, in the dark waters of the Aegean, lies the rocky island of Serifos, where fatherless Perseus wiles WHILES, NOT WILES. away the palace hours as a petty thief, gathering evidence that his mother’s fiancé is a liar. The problem is, her fiancé is the King and liar or no, her social position is secure once she is his Queen and in his bed. Desperate for a solution, seventeen year old HYPHENS. Perseus stakes his reputation (WHAT DOES "STAKES HIS REPUTATION" MEAN?) on acquiring an impossible engagement gift: the head of the Gorgon Medousa.

    The sentences are too long. The opening of a query needs to grab Agent Fantastic's attention right away. CONSIDER SOMETHING LIKE---THE ROCKY ISLAND OF SERIFOS LIES IN THE DARK WATERS OF THE AEGEAN. THERE, PERSEUS WHILES AWAY PALACE HOURS AS A PETTY THIEF. HE GATHERS EVIDENCE THAT HIS MOTHER'S FIANCE IS A LIAR. PROBLEM IS, HER FIANCE IS THE KING, AND LIAR OR NO, HER SOCIALS POSITION IS SECURE ONCE SHE IS QUEEN AND IN HIS BED. DESPERATE TO PREVENT THE MARRIAGE, SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD PERSEUS DECIDES TO PRESENT AN IMPOSSIBLE ENGAGEMENT GIFT. tHE HEAD OF GORGON MEDOUSA.

    I AGREE WITH JOHN RE YOUR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENTS. AGENT FANTASTIC COULD CARE LESS WHETHER YOU LIVE IN A DUMPSTER. SHE/HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU CAN CRAFT A COMPELLING QUERY. DO AS YOU THINK BEST.

    CUR



  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    689
    Some other thoughts, Naomi.

    Your Q is a summary. Ask yourself what you've done to cause Agent Fantastic to say, "Holy Jumpin' Frog, I need to ask for this manuscript!" Seriously.

    Crafting an engaging query is like whipping yourself with barbed wire. Hurts like hell. Eventually, the pain diminishes and the brain begins to work again.

    A minor point---"fiction novel" is a dead giveaway that a new writer hasn't found time to learn the "language." Do you see why the phrase is redundant?

    Consider posting the first couple pages of your tale in the appropriate forum. You'll get honest feedback. Take my suggestions for what you believe they're worth.

    Writing is a learned craft. JD and BA are no preparation for learning the craft of writing fiction. Those achievements are commendable. Don't make the mistake of confusing them as having anything at all to do with writing riveting fiction.

    Not trying to be mean. Trying to be realistic. Hope this is useful.

    Cur

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    31
    Hi Cur,

    Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. I didn't take it as mean. This kind of honest feedback is why I posted in this forum.

    I can't believe left "fiction novel" in there. Honestly, it's a newbie mistake that I was aware of and I'd taken it out in other versions!! Not sure how or why I slipped it back in. Poo!!

    *sigh*

    I posted in the writing critique forums years ago under a different name. Guess I will again.

    Thanks for your input and re-write. I'll tinker with it in the new week.

    N

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts