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  1. #1
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    The Legacy of Lethurea: The Chosen

    Prologue
    In all the Universes, Lethurea is among the most mysterious. Lethurea was the last of the Universes to be born. The Mother Universe died in a final effort to give life to Lethurea. Her sacrifice gave life to countless more. As the Universes gathered to see their new brother. They found a ball of molten energy and matter. This was a universe in its primal state.
    The Universes set to work nurturing their orphaned brother. As he cooled they set to work teaching Lethurea of creation. They taught him how to create realms within himself. Lethurea started by creating a realm known as Itslaemwa, Spirit Realm. Next he made a realm where he kept the matter of Voktok. Voktok was a primal leftover of a Universe. This realm he named Gozog'nok, Hell. Finally he created a realm in between these two, named Yedistren, Middle Realm.
    When he finished, the Universes then taught him about spirits. The spirits are neural energies. Lethurea set to work organizing the spirits in to tribes. He organized them according to their likenesses. He found that not all of the Spirits were the same; some were more intelligent than others. After he organized the spirits. He came to the Tribe of Elesea. This was a tribe of highly conscious spirits.
    Lethurea told them to go to Yedistren and organize the matter into a form suitable for life. Life is the state in which a spirit gains a corporeal body. It is a time of learning for all spirits. They began to organize the realm. When they had finished, Lethurea spoke.
    “This realm is not suitable for life.”
    The Elesea replied as one. “Then tell us father.”
    Lethurea did so. The realm was finished. Lethurea then commanded the tribes of Fauna and Flora to take bodies. They did so and finally Lethurea told the Elesea to take bodies. They did so. Lethurea then spoke to them.
    “Take this realm make yourselves prosperous.”
    The Elesea divided amongst the stars and planets. They created many glorious cities. They became a prosperous group of races. The Shaerok was one of these races. They were a powerful race, in the art of Din. Din is magic, the ability to manipulate matter and energy with the Lethurean tongue.
    Time passes and the Shaerok reached a glorious age of art and music.
    However, there was a tribe named the Sebuuk they wished for bodies. They spoke to Lethurea and begged for bodies. Lethurea denied them, saying it was not yet there time. When the Sebuuk heard this they left the face of Itslaemwa, and they came to the realm of Gozog'nok. They took the Voktok and made crude bodies.
    They came to the Middle Realm and confronted the Shaerok, saying they were favored too much. The High Council Priest, spoke to them saying that the father loved his children equally. The Sebuuk, were wroth and angered in there corrupt bodies. They took up weapons and began to slay the Shaerok. The Shaerok fought back. Soon a war ensued.
    The Shaerok cried unto Lethurea. “Father do something.”
    Lethurea replied, “I have no part in your acts. I am a bystander.”
    The war became grave, many of the Shaerok returned to Itslaemwa. The Shaerok High Council finally discovered a way to end the war. They went to the center of Yedistren and made a rift in time and space. This rift led to the Lethurean Hell, Gozog'nok. They cast the Sebuuk in and the sealed the rift.
    The War ended. Lethurea spoke once more.
    “Make bodies for the Tribes of Vaelamin and Argoemin.”
    The Shaerok did so and the Vaelamin and Argoemin entered their bodies. The Shaerok found that the Vamperein, were of their favor. The women were beautiful and powerful. The Men were brawny and handsome. Many of the Shaerok wished to marry many of them. However, Lethurea forbid them.
    Peace resumed for many years. However, it did not last. A Shaerok by the name of Morai, lusted for power. He was a veteran of the war, and he had grown to love power. He wished to gain more. One night he overheard his father, speaking to his brother. He heard that his Brother was to become the new High Council Master. His father spoke of a book know as the Book of Secrets.
    Morai wanted to possess the book. He followed his brother to the High Council Chambers. There he confronted his brother, and in fit of rage killed his brother. He took the book and left for the Center of Yedistren. There he declared himself King over the Sebuuk.
    The Seal was broken and one of the Sebuuk approached Morai. He spoke.
    “I am Golmosh, take this gift o' King.”
    Golmosh gave Morai, a crystal of Voktok. Morai, took it greedily. There for the space of many days, he was transformed. When he emerge from his transformation, he was Malismorai, King of Evil. He was corrupt and deluded.
    He took the neural energies found in Gozog'nok. Here he made an army of foul creatures. After he had finished he waged war, on the Shaerok. Many other races joined the side of the Shaerok. Malismorai was pleased with his minions. However, his main dilemma was the Vamperein. The race was uncannily skilled in the art of war.
    Malismorai beguiled the Vamperein, and took them to his side. The tides were turned.
    The Shaerok cursed the Vamperein with vampirism. This was in the hope they would destroy themselves. However, the Shaerok also knew that their salvation was in the Cursed race. A Shaerok seer had foreseen the demise of the Shaerok Empire. The Shaerok High Council took a male of common blood, and a female of royal blood, to Itslaemwa. They married them, and bound their minds. After which they gave them powers that would allow them to vanquish Malismorai. Finally they gave them blades that had been forged within the cores of stars.
    They were released back into Yedistren at the Battle of Redemption. The Battle of Redemption, was when the Vamperein returned to good. The two Vamperein, took their blades and led the free races against the Malisik forces.
    Malismorai soon was confronted. The Hero and the Heroine, as the two Vamperein had been dubbed, combated Malismorai. No Battle had been known to Lethurea. It was fought in the skies, on the ground, in space, and in the cores of stars. They finally came to a platform in space. In the distance was the Gateway to Gozog'nok. They disarmed the wounded and wearied Malismorai. As the Heroine was about to behead Malismorai. Something happened, Malismorai begged for his life.
    The Heroine looked at Malismorai. She looked to the Hero, and he nodded. They knew there was only one thing to do. They took Malismorai, and throw him into the depths of the Gozog'nok. They sealed the gateway and once again peace returned to Yedistren.
    The Hero and the Heroine restored what they could of Yedistren. They had many children and grew old. Near the time of their 856 year of life, they felt a fell change in the flow of energy. They returned to the place of which they had cast Malismorai away, 786 years ago. They found Malismorai hard at work, he was bent on escape. They watched him work and they knew he would eventually escape. The Hero and the Heroine knew there was but too few years left for them. The Hero and the Heroine, set to work creating a spell upon their bloodline.
    When their bloodline was thin, a male of common blood and a female of royal blood would be Married and Bound. When this happened they would be marked as an enemy strong enough to destroy Malismorai once and for all.
    The Hero and the Heroine passed away as the way of the mortal body was. They're bodies were laid to rest, and Malismorai escaped many hundreds of years later.
    He reclaimed his Empire, from his loyal followers, and waged war once again. The Third War had begun.



  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    When posting excerpts, please remember two key points that will improve your chances of getting a meaningful response: keep them under 1000 words at a shot, and add an extra line break between each paragraph. Most people are reluctant to go through the dreaded "wall of text".

    Also, be sure to double-check your punctuation and grammar. Obvious errors can and will distract your reader from the content of your work.
    Last edited by Gilfindel; 02-14-2014 at 08:56 PM.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilfindel View Post
    When posting excerpts, please remember two key points that will improve your chances of getting a meaningful response: keep them under 1000 words at a shot, and add an extra line break between each paragraph. Most people are reluctant to go through the dreaded "wall of text".

    Also, be sure to double-check your punctuation and grammar. Obvious errors can and will distract your reader from the content of your work.
    Thanks for the Advice I'll definitely keep that in mind.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    Some quick impressions:

    First, you really do need to fix your grammar and punctuation. You have sentence fragments, tense mismatches, incorrect word usage, and other errors. These immediately get in the way of your story.

    Your prologue is supposed to be a brief retelling of the origins of this world and its people, I presume, in the style of Genesis or some ancient tale, but it doesn't really come across like that, especially when you introduce space battles. You go from very broad, epic creation to very detailed events. You give names to just about everything, even persons and places that may not appear again, but your hero and heroine are nameless. The pacing and level of detail is inconsistent.

    Is a prologue truly necessary to your story? Does the reader need to know the history of the universe to understand the events in your main narrative? In most cases, all this can be revealed during the story. If not, it's probably not important. Consider tossing this entirely and just begin your tale where it needs to start.

  5. #5
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    I do not think that prologues are usually needed in stories. Most of the ones that I have read, the information has been revealed in the story and it just seems to be hashing out the same information, which I find to be rather boring myself.

  6. #6
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    Hi! As a new author myself, I can read through your prologue and see how excited you about your story. That's great! But here's some amateur's advice for you: from what you've chosen to reveal in your prologue, it seems as if the details of your story are not yet clear to you. Believe me, I know what I'm looking at; I recently had to throw out 35,000 words of my manuscript because I started it in the wrong direction. Whoops.

    So here's my advice. Grab yourself a legal pad, and sit down. Start writing from where you think the story needs to begin, and go as far as you can, as if you were giving a running synopses of your book. As you go, stop as think about the people, places, and events that fill your narrative, and try to get a good, firm hold on the ins and outs of the book. When you come to plot holes and characters you don't know well, step back and think about the problem until you come up with a plausible solution. Immerse yourself into your world, and explore every crevice and person and detail you can find. When it becomes impossible to shower or drive without thinking about this character or that plot problem, then you'll know you're on the right track.

    Also, as the others have mentioned, I think you should cut the prologue. But just don't do it yet, because it will be very painful to kill it if it's the only part of your story you have written down. Wait until you've got five or ten thousand words on the page, and then go back and delete. You'll be able to do it with perspective, and it won't make your heart flip-flop as you watch it disappear down the proverbial drain. Or, make a separate document for all the pages and chapters you cut, that way you still have the material if you want it later.

    And hey: if you want someone to read and critique later, message me- I'd love to read any updated version you come up with! Good luck!

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