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Thread: Sci Fi Query

  1. #1
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    Sci Fi Query

    I have to admit that I am not quite finished with this book. I have to choose from three different endings. I have been thinking about this for a while. Thanks in advance.


    Dear

    162 years ago Amanda Frost and Justin Thomas saved the world from the ITER meltdown. Their reception afterwards wasn’t what they expected. The almost instantaneous travel from New York to D.C. for $20.00 and promises of other Gates kept the military industrial complex at bay. Meanwhile they worked to get that same tech good enough to go to the aid of someone else. The promised gain was worth it.

    100 years ago they got tired of being called traitors to the human race. They wished for sovereignty while the governments of Earth saw a world to be exploited and a place to dump millions of conscripted colonists. They walked away.

    Earth’s coveting of the planet will not abate. After almost trashing the economy a breakthrough happens. America gets several missile batteries through before the power fails.

    America’s second try pulls a 15 year old Gaian girl to Earth before it too fails. The girl is not just a girl; she is Mandy Five the fifth generation of the Frost Clan, one of the top three families on Gaia. The Chinese attempt to force 20 million conscripted colonists on Gaia.

    Can Gaia stop the attacks and return Mandy Five without a war? Many Gaians had been born on Earth, that and their normal temperament make them try another route.

    Ashes Of Sunset is an almost completed 150000 word speculative/science fiction thriller.

    Thanks for your time and consideration



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I literally have not the slightest clue what your story's about...not even a little.

    Sometimes writers have difficulty condensing their stories into a synopsis or query - the book writing is good, but they simply don't have the ability to write a coherent narrative of 300 words. That much confinement just shackles their brains, I guess - they need plenty of room to roam to write well. Other times, people just can't write coherently, period - the book writing stinks, so of course the query stinks too.

    I'm hoping that you just don't know how to write a query, and that this is not an accurate example of your writing, because honestly, it's lousy. Delete this effort and visit a few query sites like queryshark, and see if you can't a learn a few things about querying, then post another try.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
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    Yeah that's pretty lousy. I don't think you want to start with a number and then referencing past events no one has any clue about. Go look around at agentquery and query shark, etc. to see how query letters are actually written. Even then it's an almost-vertical uphill battle.

  4. #4
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    What better time to try an experiment that turkey weekend. Hopefully this is close. I think it is a classic AQ 'When' query.

    Dear

    When Mandy Five reached for the injured American soldier her world lurched. The gravity change told her that she was no longer on Gaia.

    Gaians were the first humans to live somewhere other than Earth. To the dismay of Earth’s governments there wasn’t a single government that could lay claim to it. Gaia tried to open an alliance and get their sovereignty proclaimed. After sixty years they gave up and walked away. They did not want to grant someone else the right to exploit their planet and could not take in millions of conscripted colonists.

    With no treaties Gaia was fair game. By Earth’s law whoever gets there first can claim it. A hundred year long mad dash can waste a lot of resources and Earth is desperate when they make contact. Each close contact will be accoutered for war.

    Gaia has no desire to go to war with the planet many of them were born on, but attacks continue and Mandy has yet to be rescued.

    Ashes Of Sunset is an almost completed 150000 word speculative/science fiction thriller.

    Thanks for your time and consideration

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
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    No that's not a classic "when" query, proving you still don't get queries despite all the help you've been given. The when formula provides the stakes for the book. Your when sentences just says something that happens. A classic when formula would be like, "When Mandy Five of Gaia wakes up on Earth, she finds herself thrust into the middle of a plot to enslave her people. Can she find a way to stop the bad guys before it's too late?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Craig View Post
    What better time to try an experiment that turkey weekend. Hopefully this is close. I think it is a classic AQ 'When' query.

    Dear

    When Mandy Five reached for the injured American soldier her world lurched. The gravity change told her that she was no longer on Gaia.

    Gaians were the first humans to live somewhere other than Earth. To the dismay of Earth’s governments there wasn’t a single government that could lay claim to it. Gaia tried to open an alliance and get their sovereignty proclaimed. After sixty years they gave up and walked away. They did not want to grant someone else the right to exploit their planet and could not take in millions of conscripted colonists.

    With no treaties Gaia was fair game. By Earth’s law whoever gets there first can claim it. A hundred year long mad dash can waste a lot of resources and Earth is desperate when they make contact. Each close contact will be accoutered for war.

    Gaia has no desire to go to war with the planet many of them were born on, but attacks continue and Mandy has yet to be rescued.

    Ashes Of Sunset is an almost completed 150000 word speculative/science fiction thriller.

    Thanks for your time and consideration

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Still no clue. Two sentences on Mandy, then she's gone until that little phrase at the end. No idea what danger has put her in need of rescue. Nope, I think the wastebasket would improve this one too. I'm starting to believe this is not simply a matter of not knowing how to write a query.

  7. #7
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    It pains me but I agree with both of you to some extent. It is not that I don't know what I should be doing but it just isn't working right yet.

    This is too much like a synopsis and has no main character but it might give some insight into the story. Let me thank you in advance.

    Dear

    The League of Forty Planets had run along for ten thousand years using Magnetic Wave Gates as near instantaneous transportation. When the menace from space appeared in their skies they were unprepared. In desperation they sent a call for help along those magnetic waves and stripped their planets to make an armada.

    The Earth inventors that received that message had their own reasons to go and help. They had used a similar technology to save the world and it had become the object of desire for various military types.

    Ending the space war had given our inventers treasures beyond their dreams. A virgin planet and an AI full of technology were part of it. The inventers had a new way to look at that secondhand technology and were soon admitted into the League.

    One hundred and sixty years later the planet Gaia is the one and only extraterrestrial human world. Gaia had maintained her independence and refused to sell any resources or accept conscripted immigrants. As resources on Earth get scarce and population pressure builds the governments can see only one way out. Conquer Gaia. America makes the first contact and it is with missiles. When the third attack includes poison gas Gaia decides to up the ante.

    Ashes Of Sunset is an almost completed 150000 word speculative/science fiction thriller.

    Thanks for your time and consideration

  8. #8
    Rogue Mutt
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    Dude, just stop already. There is no help for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Craig View Post
    It pains me but I agree with both of you to some extent. It is not that I don't know what I should be doing but it just isn't working right yet.

    This is too much like a synopsis and has no main character but it might give some insight into the story. Let me thank you in advance.

    Dear

    The League of Forty Planets had run along for ten thousand years using Magnetic Wave Gates as near instantaneous transportation. When the menace from space appeared in their skies they were unprepared. In desperation they sent a call for help along those magnetic waves and stripped their planets to make an armada.

    The Earth inventors that received that message had their own reasons to go and help. They had used a similar technology to save the world and it had become the object of desire for various military types.

    Ending the space war had given our inventers treasures beyond their dreams. A virgin planet and an AI full of technology were part of it. The inventers had a new way to look at that secondhand technology and were soon admitted into the League.

    One hundred and sixty years later the planet Gaia is the one and only extraterrestrial human world. Gaia had maintained her independence and refused to sell any resources or accept conscripted immigrants. As resources on Earth get scarce and population pressure builds the governments can see only one way out. Conquer Gaia. America makes the first contact and it is with missiles. When the third attack includes poison gas Gaia decides to up the ante.

    Ashes Of Sunset is an almost completed 150000 word speculative/science fiction thriller.

    Thanks for your time and consideration

  9. #9
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Hang on...Craig...you're that St. John's query guy. I knew this writing looked familiar to me. You're that guy who cannot write a comprehensible story. Okay...backing slowly away. I didn't make the connection.

    I won't say there's no help for you, but whatever help you need is far more than we can offer on here. In my opinion, you need a remedial writing class and help from a personal instructor, a very patient personal instructor, lol. I've never run across a writer like you, and I'm absolutely baffled as to your writing difficulties. For the most part, your spelling and grammar are fine, but you have to be one of the most schismatic writers I've ever seen. For you, anything longer than a sentence is a recipe for gibberish. You appear unable to string two or three thoughts together in any coherent fashion. I've never seen anything like it, and I haven't a clue how to address the problem. There's no difference between this query and your St. John's query.

    All I can say is good luck.

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
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    Lol, I know, right? There are Nigerian scam emails that are written better than his query attempts. It's sad people like this shotgun their terrible queries to agents to waste some poor intern's time.

    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Hang on...Craig...you're that St. John's query guy. I knew this writing looked familiar to me. You're that guy who cannot write a comprehensible story. Okay...backing slowly away. I didn't make the connection.

    I won't say there's no help for you, but whatever help you need is far more than we can offer on here. In my opinion, you need a remedial writing class and help from a personal instructor, a very patient personal instructor, lol. I've never run across a writer like you, and I'm absolutely baffled as to your writing difficulties. For the most part, your spelling and grammar are fine, but you have to be one of the most schismatic writers I've ever seen. For you, anything longer than a sentence is a recipe for gibberish. You appear unable to string two or three thoughts together in any coherent fashion. I've never seen anything like it, and I haven't a clue how to address the problem. There's no difference between this query and your St. John's query.

    All I can say is good luck.

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