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  1. #1
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    Dec 2010
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    Query: Baron von Prindles Parade

    Fist draft.

    Baron von Prindel embarks on a perilous journey with his talkative companions, Hopper, an energetic and loyal dog, and Maroon, his more intelligent but sarcastic horse. Their quest is for the magic waters of Jewelz. No man in all written history has ever succeeded and armies and nations have been destroyed in its search.

    The Baron, Maroon, and Hopper have never failed a knightly mission, but they fear that this will be their last. Duty and honor lead them into a land where humans, dogs, and horses are more often eaten than entertained. Off from the castle of Menushire they go, with one-hundred of the finest of the king's tongueless warriors; before they reach the Black Mountains they lose ninety men and their courage. Their journey tempts death at every turn.

    The evil beings of the dark land want the water of Jewelz for themselves. The Baron's diminishing band battles forces within the dark lands who resent the intrusion. Witches trick them. Warlocks haunt them. Dragons and trolls stalk them. But it is the baby-size Dula they fear most, and he may put an end to all their lives.

    At times comfortable with their impending death, but most of the time not, which creates fantastic and desperate encounters. When they reach the water a surprise awaits them all.

    Baron Von Prindelís Parade is a MG/YA fantasy complete at 72,000 words.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Jewelz, really? That sounds like a hipster jewelry store or a cell phone game.

    The third and fourth paragraphs seem unnecessary and steal focus from the Baron. It would be good to give an idea of what's so important about this water. As it is, I don't really have any idea why they need it so badly other than some unnamed bad guys want it for some unknown reason.

  3. #3
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah, pretty vague. Not much of a story there. It's like you're trying to hide the story, like you're afraid of giving it away, but that's exactly what you're supposed to do.

    I think you should write a synopsis of the the story so anyone with an average intellect could understand it, then hack your query out of that.

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