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  1. #1
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Raining Drops of Self Reflection

    This was a poem I wrote probably over a year ago. I really enjoy it, but I wanted everyone else's opinion. Harsh or polite, I don't care, so have at it.

    There’s a storm rolling in as we speak.
    The cloud cover comes and the mood reaches it’s peak.
    Most become down, but I become enlightened.
    The sparkle it gives the city makes me feel brightened.

    I can’t help but get the cheerful sense,
    That when the rain pours down it puts an end to the nonsense.
    Everything seems to stop,
    And puts nature back on top.

    It trickles down in a remarkable display,
    And wipes away the long lasting decay.
    Bricks become more red, the roads become more black,
    The grass grows greener, and the color is all put back.

    So pour down rain, and erase my pain.
    Without it there is no gain.
    Fall down in sheets upon my lonely soul.
    It’s time I found a new goal.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    That should be "its peak", not "it's peak".

    Rhyme without consistent meter throws me off. To me, a poem should have both or neither.

    "more red" and "more black" sound odd. They should be redder and blacker to match the greener in the next line, although I understand you're trying to rhyme.

    I rather like the imagery (rain = happy, more or less), but the structure isn't doing it any favors.

  3. #3
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    I'm usually such a grammar nazi, I can't believe I missed the "its". Thanks for pointing that out.

    Maybe it's because I wrote it, but the length of the sentences have never bothered me. Thanks for the tips though, I'll remember them for sure.

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    It's not terrible...which is a pretty good review coming from me, lol.

    I think what hurts it the most is the final verse. It reads like you were casting about for some kind of ending and settled for that. It doesn't really fit with the other verses, and I don't really know what point you're trying to make. Reads like you were just trying to rhyme and not too concerned with overall meaning. You have a fuzzy antecedent with "it" - could refer either to the erasure or the pain. If "it" refers to the pain, then you don't want the rain to erase it because then there's no gain (whatever you mean by that).

    The language needs more tightening and precision...more deliberateness.

  5. #5
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Thanks John, I appreciate the input.

    The last line was to indicate that this man was reflecting on life in general, and to show that, like the rain, he wanted to be cleansed and start over.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    According to the poem, the rain is not cleansed; it cleanses. Better to compare the man to the earth or nature where "the color is all put back".

    So what does "it" refer to?
    Last edited by John Oberon; 08-21-2013 at 02:48 AM.

  7. #7
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    Hello, Wickett!

    First I'd like to say that I think you meant 'its' instead of 'it's' and that there is no need for a comma after the word 'rain' in your last stanza. I made that statement first because I did not want to take away from the fact the I actually loved the poem. Although, there are lines that are shorter than others, I still feel a melodic rhythm to each stanza of poetry. I believe that one of the other reasons this poem is enjoyable to me is because I myself enjoy the rain. While others I know complain of such a natural effect, as you poignantly stated in stanza 1 ~ line 3, I enjoy the rain and the thunderstorms. To me, they are God's symphony to my ears. I truly enjoyed it!

  8. #8
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Thanks Authorine! You're very kind. This was some stuff I did a few years when I was just dipping into poetry for some fun.

    I am actually very against the idea that all lines in poetry must be equal length. Some poems work well with that, but I was always more into telling a story, and sometimes that required a little more room to work with. Still, it's very amateurish at best, but I really appreciate the good word.

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