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  1. #1
    Junior Member Quest2Express's Avatar
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    The Mocking Bird

    I sat in my yard
    and looked in the eye
    a smug Mockingbird
    just dropped from the sky

    It spread it's wings
    both wide and proud
    then asked my name
    I swear, out loud

    I began to reply
    to avoid seeming obtuse
    But could not to this bird
    myself introduce

    What good is there
    in a name, said I
    what good indeed
    the bird replied

    If a bus called a plane
    could it suddenly fly
    Just what is your point
    it's expression wry

    That it matters not
    what or if I'm called
    when all I can manage
    is to repeatedly fall

    Each day I risk
    as I take to the air
    a mistake that is fatal
    but I do not despair

    For given wings
    I am surely meant to fly
    With your obvious gifts
    why do you ask why

    I looked at the bird
    with enmity and scorn
    and once again wished
    I had never been born

    There is but one reason
    and make no mistake
    you sit here this moment
    seemingly without a break

    You look not within
    for the answer you seek
    it opened as if laughing
    it's most noble beak

    I only wish that
    my mind was brilliant
    My friend be content
    that it is...resilient

    ~Michael M



  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    "It's" is a contraction for "it is"; "it's" indicates possession or ownership.

    You're trying very hard to rhyme, and your grammar and meter suffer as a consequence. Some of your verses are very awkward.

    I'm not entirely clear what your message is intended to be. The title implies that the person is being mocked, but I'm not sure why.

    Without punctuation, it's difficult to separate narration from quotation.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Quest2Express's Avatar
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    Thank you for your honest appraisal of my poem. If you have the time could you possibly show me how you would punctuate it? If not, that's fine. I am very proud of that poem though I am taking your criticism to heart. The main purpose of it is to show the bird mocking my belief in my own gifts, such as they are. Also, is there anything positive that you have to say about it? Thank you.

  4. #4
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    The idea of having a conversation with a mocking bird was interesting to me. It made me want to read more and I actually pictured a menacing stare down between you and the bird for a second. I do agree with Gilfindel when he/she said that some of the verses are awkward. I did not read this out loud. As I was reading this in my head, I stumbled a little bit with the word structure. Good job though.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Quest2Express's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for your feedback creativemusings. I really do appreciate your time reading my poem as well as the honest opinion. I know that the poem is far from perfect but I am proud of it.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    All good serious poetry says a lot in a few words. What makes that possible is a very clear purpose. Any purpose to this poem is, at best, vague. You say the purpose "is to show the bird mocking my belief in my own gifts, such as they are." I think you need to crystallize that a bit more. Who or what does the mocking bird represent? What do you mean by "belief in your own gifts" and what good does it do to show the bird that belief? Is the mocking bird your own internal monologue - you saying negative things to yourself? Is it friends and family or society as a whole? I don't see where you showed the bird belief in anything myself. From the little I understand, it reads like the bird pretty much crushed you as far as argument. To tell you the truth, it reads like you had no real purpose in mind, but just the goal of making words "fit" and "sound good" with little regard for meaning.

    This poem demands punctuation, quotation marks in particular. Get "Elements of Style" and read up on it.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Quest2Express's Avatar
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    Thank you for your appraisal John Oberon. I have "Elements of Style". I read it again after having to read it and refer to in in both High School and College. Personally I don't think much of it or Strunk and White's rules. I think you and my other critics are missing the point. The "art" side of poetry, for me, means that everyone may see and interpret the same words differently. That we all bring a piece of ourselves into each poem we read and take away something unique from the reading.
    I do thank you for your time reading and responding to my post. I can see that this is not a place for the expression of my writing as most people want to be "Siskel and Ebert", and too few want to be "Woody Allen" supporting an aspiring artist.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Different interpretations are fine, but there has to be some kind of meaning to interpret. If the reader can't make some kind of sense out of your writing, then interpretation never enters equation. Even you can't tell me what your poem means or to what purpose you wrote it. People can interpret nonsense only as nonsense. What other option is there?

    If you were trying to write words that don't make much sense and work to no purpose, but occasionally sound kind of good, then I think you succeeded admirably, and I applaud your effort. Was that Woody Allen enough for you?

    Actually, I think it's more like most people want to be honest about the expression of your writing kind of stinking, and too few want to be timid or dishonest enough to disregard the smell.

    If you want, I will help you make your poem better. I like poetry. I'm always up for a discussion.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 07-24-2013 at 05:04 AM.

  9. #9
    Administrator Wickett's Avatar
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    Honestly I thought that was quite amazing. I don't know all the technicalities like everyone else does, but I greatly enjoyed it. In the end, that's really what it's about anyway.

  10. #10
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    It's often the case that an event occurs in a person's life that triggers an emotion, like joy for a new love, sadness at a loss, anger at a betrayal, or disappointment at a failure. Typically, these emotions are the spur to writing a poem. If you don't mind, what was the event/emotion that inspired your poem?

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