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  1. #1
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    Query - Siren Pacific

    Well, here it goes. Any suggestions you have to improve my query letter would be most appreciated. Thanks!

    Dear Agent: (Of course, I would have their actual name in here)

    The epic poet Homer doesn't exactly paint an accurate picture of Sirens. Arden would know. She doesn't spend her days sitting on a rock in the middle of the ocean. She doesn't lure unsuspecting sailors to violent deaths, either. She could, if she wanted to. But she doesn't.

    Much to her chagrin, Arden has to keep her abilities a secret, which isn't always easy. Of course, the sexy new guy at her high school doesn't help her plight at all. He makes her insides tremble with longing. But as her clan's future guardian, dating humans isn't even an option.

    Then, a Siren in her clan is killed, the vocal chords ripped from her neck. Arden knows the identity of her people is no longer a secret. The Sons of Orpheus, a vicious cult bent on killing the few remaining Sirens on Earth, has discovered them.

    The Sons of Orpheus plan to slaughter the Sirens. They won't stop until everyone in her clan is dead. Arden could flee, which means leaving her home and the ocean behind. Her only other choice is to stop the Sons before the Sirens of Pacific Grove are exterminated. Leaving her precious ocean is unthinkable, but staying to fight might end her life.

    Complete at approximately 70,000 words, SIREN PACIFIC is a young adult urban fantasy. I teach high school English to ninth graders, and their enthusiasm to read inspires me to write. They have also assured me that sirens are the new vampires for young adult readers. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

    Beth



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
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    So what exactly do Sirens do? I mean you spend a whole paragraph saying what they DON'T do. From the sound of it they just hide as normal people.

    BTW, do you know that Amanda Hocking already has a series of books about sirens? (The first one really sucked and yours actually sounds better, but be prepared for people to mention that and to suggest you're copying her.)

  3. #3
    Junior Member
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    You are correct - they do their best to hide as normal people.

    And no, I have never heard of Amanda Hocking before. Geesh. I'll have to check her out.

  4. #4
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    Actually her book looks really different from mine, so I think it is ok. Besides, if you think about all the vampire books out there, having two about Sirens isn't the end of the world, I suppose.

    So . . . about the quality of the query letter? . . . . .

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
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    OK, so if Sirens don't actually do anything then I wouldn't start the query off saying all the stuff they don't do, which actually sounds more exciting than going to high school. (Why do all these monsters want to go to high school? If I had magic powers I wouldn't hang around high school.) So I'd say something like, "All her life, Arden has kept her secret that she's one of the mythical Sirens. But when another Siren is murdered, , she realizes their secret has been exposed."

  6. #6
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    How about this?

    Arden Reines would love nothing more than to spend her days singing with the ocean or seducing men with her song. Instead, she’s been forced to spend her entire life hiding the fact that she’s a Siren. High School is boring enough, but for a mythical creature, it’s pure hell.

    Keeping this secret isn’t easy, and the sexy new guy at her school doesn’t help her plight. He makes her insides tremble with longing. But as her clan’s future guardian, dating humans isn’t even an option.

    Then, a Siren in her clan is killed, the vocal chords ripped from her neck. Arden knows the identity of her people is no longer a secret. The Sons of Orpheus, a vicious cult bent on killing the few remaining Sirens on Earth, has discovered them.

    The Sons of Orpheus plan to slaughter the Sirens. They won’t stop until everyone in her clan is dead. Arden could flee, which means leaving her home and the ocean behind. Her only other choice is to stop the Sons before the Sirens of Pacific Grove are exterminated. Leaving her precious ocean is unthinkable, but staying to fight might end her life.

    Complete at approximately 70,000 words, SIREN PACIFIC is a young adult urban fantasy. I teach high school English to precocious ninth graders, and their enthusiasm inspires me to write. They have also assured me that sirens are the new vampires for young adult readers. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,
    Beth

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beth View Post
    Keeping this secret isn't easy..the sexy new guy at her school...makes her insides tremble with longing. Clan’s future guardian, a Siren in her clan is killed, bent on killing the few remaining...
    CLICHE ALERT! CLICHE ALERT! CLICHE ALERT! Like she couldn't fight another evil siren pacific bent on drowning cocky jocks in the gym pool.
    Last edited by Author Pendragin; 04-09-2014 at 03:44 PM.

  8. #8
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    If you'd read the letter, you would know that the sirens aren't actually fighting one another and that the "pacific" part refers to where they live. However, it couldn't have been too cliche, because I got a contract and Voices of the Sea (the new title) will release on July 22nd. Thanks for the advice anyway.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    Congrats!

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beth View Post
    If you'd read the letter, you would know that the sirens aren't actually fighting one another and that the "pacific" part refers to where they live. However, it couldn't have been too cliche, because I got a contract and Voices of the Sea (the new title) will release on July 22nd. Thanks for the advice anyway.
    You forgot to add "neener neener neener!"

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