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  1. #1
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    Urban fantasy debut novel by A. Hellstorm!

    Hello WN forum, I am excited to say my debut novel is avaliable for purchase and a three-chapter sneak peek at Amazon Kindle. The story, entitled A seaside tale and the first in a series called Raven Cove, is an urban fantasy adventure which contains supernatural elements such as various forms of magic, vampires and shapeshifters, together with lots of humor of the sarcastic kind. Do take a look at the link below and feel free to post me feedback, I'd appreciate it!

    http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BPC72NA



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    That's some hefty formatting issues you have there, A. Dialogue running together in one paragraph, no indents or spaces between paragraphs...that's a tough sell.

  3. #3
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    Thanks, John, point taken and I will look into that. Any thoughts on the actual story?

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
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    If you need help formatting (which apparently you do) check out my guide to formatting for ebooks. http://www.ptdilloway.com/2013/02/tw...-lesson-1.html

    It's really not that difficult.

  5. #5
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Well, not favorable, to tell you the truth, but here's the first 500 or so words for everyone else to peruse. I cut it into paragraphs to make it a little easier to read. It needs some major editing in my opinion.

    The calmness of the cool night stretched across the small town, like a comforting blanket tucking in the streets and houses. Though a perfect night for a walk, it was close to midnight and most people were inside and asleep, leaving the streets peacefully empty. However, most people were not on their way home from waiting tables at the hottest restaurant in town. Xander Ryan found a nighttime stroll to be the perfect end to a twelve-hour shift, allowing him to relax body and mind as well as reflect over the experiences of the past day, as he paced through the quietness glancing at his surroundings.

    He passed the closed mall and its eerily empty parking lot, the out-of-business movie theater, the gas station and finally through the park Pleasant Garden. His apartment was located in a slightly-justpassing-for-a-building, functioning for not only tenants, but also various doubtful activities such as the hair salon at the ground floor. The place had been his home for just about three years and even though it was quite worn down, it had all the conveniences he needed. Four walls, one ceiling, one floor, indoor plumbing, electricity, a tiny little kitchen department and for some reason, shelves all over the walls.

    He climbed the stairway to the third floor, picked up a small key from his pocket and unlocked the door, wondering in silence whether this was the day when the apartment had magically cleaned itself. Xander occupied the small studio by himself, a fact he made perfectly visible in a very bachelor-kind of way. Shoes all over the hallway, which considering the apartments smallness was practically only a corner. A sadly looking stool randomly covered in outdoor clothing, one garbage bag which was meant to be taken out at any time, a sink with some dishes, pizza boxes in creative places and of course, the characteristic layer of dust...on everything.

    He sat down on the bed, right beside two candy bar wrappers and an odd pair of socks, and took of his shoes, which by definition extended the hallway to reach to the middle of the room. His jacket was already placed on the "coat rack" in the "hallway", and the shoes ended up under the bed. He gently remained seated for just a while, just like he mostly did, preparing himself for the ritual he always performed before going to bed. Some might have called it "making the bed", some might have called it "cleaning up", in Xander's apartment it was the action of ripping the bedspread off the mattress, causing whatever lying there to end up all over the place. It was the main reason for why he would occasionally find half a biscuit on one of the top shelves, at those rare times when he bothered looking there.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    In my opinion, you need to chop this way, way back. Get rid of all that unneeded detail. Pretty tedious to read.

  7. #7
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    Well, can't please all, your opinion is however noted.

    Mutt: thanks for the advice!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Well, not favorable, to tell you the truth, but here's the first 500 or so words for everyone else to peruse. I cut it into paragraphs to make it a little easier to read. It needs some major editing in my opinion.

    The calmness of the cool night stretched across the small town, like a comforting blanket tucking in the streets and houses. Though a perfect night for a walk, it was close to midnight and most people were inside and asleep, leaving the streets peacefully empty. However, most people were not on their way home from waiting tables at the hottest restaurant in town. Xander Ryan found a nighttime stroll to be the perfect end to a twelve-hour shift, allowing him to relax body and mind as well as reflect over the experiences of the past day, as he paced through the quietness glancing at his surroundings.

    He passed the closed mall and its eerily empty parking lot, the out-of-business movie theater, the gas station and finally through the park Pleasant Garden. His apartment was located in a slightly-justpassing-for-a-building, functioning for not only tenants, but also various doubtful activities such as the hair salon at the ground floor. The place had been his home for just about three years and even though it was quite worn down, it had all the conveniences he needed. Four walls, one ceiling, one floor, indoor plumbing, electricity, a tiny little kitchen department and for some reason, shelves all over the walls.

    He climbed the stairway to the third floor, picked up a small key from his pocket and unlocked the door, wondering in silence whether this was the day when the apartment had magically cleaned itself. Xander occupied the small studio by himself, a fact he made perfectly visible in a very bachelor-kind of way. Shoes all over the hallway, which considering the apartments smallness was practically only a corner. A sadly looking stool randomly covered in outdoor clothing, one garbage bag which was meant to be taken out at any time, a sink with some dishes, pizza boxes in creative places and of course, the characteristic layer of dust...on everything.

    He sat down on the bed, right beside two candy bar wrappers and an odd pair of socks, and took of his shoes, which by definition extended the hallway to reach to the middle of the room. His jacket was already placed on the "coat rack" in the "hallway", and the shoes ended up under the bed. He gently remained seated for just a while, just like he mostly did, preparing himself for the ritual he always performed before going to bed. Some might have called it "making the bed", some might have called it "cleaning up", in Xander's apartment it was the action of ripping the bedspread off the mattress, causing whatever lying there to end up all over the place. It was the main reason for why he would occasionally find half a biscuit on one of the top shelves, at those rare times when he bothered looking there.
    John is right. You have way too much detail, what I refer to as "micro-description." The reader doesn't need or want to know every single movement, every minute detail of description. For example, take a look at this phrase:

    He climbed the stairway to the third floor, picked up a small key from his pocket and unlocked the door,

    This could easily be pared down to: He climbed the stairs to the third floor and unlocked his front door.

    Here is another example when you describe his apartment: Four walls, one ceiling, one floor, indoor plumbing, electricity, a tiny little kitchen department
    Does that information tell the reader anything important about his living environment? It could be any small apartment anywhere. Now, if you said he lived in a hidden passageway in an old mansion, you've given us an unusual detail that implies there is something significant about where he lives.

    When adding any detail to fiction, you need to think in terms of significant details. Don't include details for the sake of having them in the text. Use those descriptive details to tell us something about your character, to advance the plot, or to create tension.

    Hope that helps a little.

    Jeanne

  9. #9
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    Update

    The book have been proofread once more and formatting have been taken care of. Please note that the click-to-look-inside at Amazon does not have my intended formatting but according to the preview function at my KDP page, all the supporting platforms (Kindle Fire, iPad, iPhone etc.) has with some minor exceptions, the placement of chapter numbers for instance. This is due to me not having access to the most proper software and I will polish the book further once I do.

    Please enjoy the read at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BPC72NA !

    PS: due to checking up on my formatting, I found out a couple of pages were missing from chapter 25, thanks again, John

  10. #10
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    I find this quite an interesting idea. I have always been a lover of fantasy tales. However, you can think on improving the cover to include some magical images and more colorful stuff to make it more attractive.

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