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  1. #1
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    Post Fall (Poem I wrote; Critiques are welcomed)

    Leaves are falling,

    Changing in color,

    Winds change direction,

    Birds flying south.

    You hold my hand.

    We go out again.

    Everythingís changing,

    For better or worse.


    We walk down the winding road hand in hand;

    Crunching the leaves as we walk upon them.

    Looking into each otherís eyes,

    We feel as though,

    We have finally made it home.

    Because while we may fall from time to time.

    We will never stay down long enough to be stepped on,

    Like the leaves in the fall.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    I'll confess up front that I'm not a fan of poetry, particularly free verse, but this is an interesting little piece. I like the underlying metaphor, the compare-and-contrast between the season and the relationship. The punctuation seems a little off (it might be better without punctuation entirely), and a couple of the lines didn't seem quite right for some reason: "for better or worse" doesn't match the theme of change, and "we will never stay down long enough to be stepped on", while tying in with the imagery of leaves on the ground, just seems a bit long. Maybe there's a slightly shorter way to say the same thing.

    Keep it up!

  3. #3
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    Incidentally, why does the word "again" link to a popup for Supreme Savings? :-/

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilfindel View Post
    I'll confess up front that I'm not a fan of poetry, particularly free verse, but this is an interesting little piece. I like the underlying metaphor, the compare-and-contrast between the season and the relationship. The punctuation seems a little off (it might be better without punctuation entirely), and a couple of the lines didn't seem quite right for some reason: "for better or worse" doesn't match the theme of change, and "we will never stay down long enough to be stepped on", while tying in with the imagery of leaves on the ground, just seems a bit long. Maybe there's a slightly shorter way to say the same thing.

    Keep it up!
    Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it.

  5. #5
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Howdy, Jesse. I AM a fan of poetry, and I think your metaphor is false, vague, and flawed.

    How was the show, Mrs. Lincoln? Lol.

    From a purely factual standpoint, every single one of us will one day “stay down long enough to be stepped on”. Just visit the cemetery some time, lol. You’ll step on lots of people.

    I’m sure about now you’re thinking, “Well, I didn’t mean that. I was talking about the relationship. The couple will help each other through life. When one becomes discouraged, the other will encourage. They’ll cherish and protect each other from getting ‘crunched’ in life. They’ll always be in each other’s corner, clinging to and fighting for each other.”

    Well, I’ve been married 25 years, and I know for a fact that my wife and I have been “stepped on” both separately and together, and sometimes, we’ve even “stepped on” each other. So from experience, I can say your metaphor is patently false, or at minimum, naÔve. Ah, Youth! Lol.

    But to tell you the truth, I have no clear idea what exactly you mean by “stay down long enough to be stepped on”. What do you mean by “stay down” and “stepped on”? I can probably think of at least a dozen things they could mean, but your poem gives no hints. It’s vague to say the least.

    The best metaphors compare similar things to create a picture in the reader’s mind. Yours is flawed; it does exactly the opposite. Your poem says, “See these dead leaves crunching under our feet? We’re not like that.” Kinda begs the question, “Well, what are we LIKE?”

    That’s what you need – a metaphor that expresses what the relationship is, not what it isn’t. For example, suppose the couple in the poem were older, in the “autumn” of their lives. Well, crunching leaves in the fall is kinda fun and pleasant, isn’t it? Could you compare that to their future? Though old and dried out, they’ll still find deep pleasure in each other, lol.

    The metaphor is your main problem, but also, avoiding empty verbs goes in spades for poetry. Poetry is the leanest, most focused writing on the planet, and anything weak or blurry stands out like a partially driven nail in wood. This short poem’s chock full of empty verbs that just clutter and blur. And you need to be very careful with “ing” verbs. Read the first two lines – sounds like the leaves change color as they fall. I tend to avoid “ing” verbs as much as possible.

    I think you have a great setting – lovers walking on a nice fall day. You just need a clearer understanding of the meaning you want the reader to take from it. Then meaning helps you select better and more appropriate language and metaphors.

  6. #6
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    John, probably the point is the author is just not so cynical and disappointed yet? And I love this poem for its honesty and enthusiasm. Two people are in love and want to support each other and no one cares of what's going to happen in 5, 10 or 25 years. That's the beauty of the moment. And I like it more than the idea of life's chewing them up and spitting them out.

  7. #7
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I like that idea better too, and I wrote that it was most likely the sentiment Jesse intended to express, but my point was that Jesse didn't express it very well, and I explained why.

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