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Thread: Plan B

  1. #41
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    Gil, upon further review I've nixed the accident vs. design clause and added that the piano player though drugged, wanted no part in being used as a shield and when she noticed Matt pointing his blaster in her direction, she fainted giving Matt a clean shot.

    I also elaborated a bit more on the fact that neither Matt nor Katie were shooting people outside, just those who remained inside with weapons pointed in their general direction.

    My next post concludes the first chapter before the next starts to show how this story relates to the main one.



  2. #42
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    Now that the shooting has stopped, we can't leave our armed lovebirds just dancing back to back.

    The pair continued their back to back dance until they became satisfied no further threat remained.

    “Where’s the Brink Man?” she asked in reference to the other male, Jeremy Brink, she was to reunite with on Celena. “If he’s bringing the cavalry he’s late as usual.”

    “He was a no show on Celena, duty calls I suppose. I guess that means you’re stuck with me.” His words a clear indication his human side was now in charge.

    “Just my luck!” she declared. “Mother always warned me about guys like you. She wanted me to fall for some doctor or scientist, anyone with some class, but did I listen? No. I had to fall for a space bum who keeps on trying to get us both killed every chance he gets.”

    “Gee, and I thought your mother always liked Me.” as he turned around and returned his weapons to their holsters.

    “She does, though for the life of me, I can’t imagine why.” as she lowered her own weapon and turned to face him.

    “Probably because she knows how much I love you, or perhaps she just knows none of those classy types would tolerate you running around half naked shooting the crap out of your admirers.”

    “Well I haven’t shot the crap out of you yet, although I admit there are times when I’m sure tempted. Besides, what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just stand there and let them use you for target practice. It’s hard to thank my gallant knight for coming to my rescue if he goes and gets killed in the process.”

    “True! I should point out that it wouldn’t be so good for the knight either, but then again, it wouldn’t be good if the beautiful damsel he was rescuing got herself shot in that same process. Sort of defeats the purpose, as I’m sure you’ll agree.”

    “I do, but it’s all for naught if you’re only going to stand there admiring my boobs. I thought you were a man of action and….” but she never completed her sentence as he placed his hands on her waist and pulled her tight against him, her blaster slipped thru her fingers before her arms locked around his neck and they kissed for the first time in over nine Terran years.

    He then proceeded to pick her up like a bridegroom about to carry his bride over the threshold and as she placed her head on his shoulder she uttered with a sigh:
    “ Up the stairs, first door on your left, and hurry! We’ve wasted enough time as it is!”

    “My thoughts exactly!”

  3. #43
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    They don't get the heck outta there? They just killed how many people, and they decide to stay there for a romp after their little B movie repartee? That strikes me as highly implausible, unless you previously set up some code of ethics where this is acceptable. Even if that's the case, Gak will have friends, and they'll want revenge, or other scums will want to test the new boy's mettle. I just don't buy it. They'd get outta there.

  4. #44
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    John,

    Like Gil you make valid points that I take under advisement. That's why I'm here, for feedback.

    I was hoping the reader would read between the lines and think Matt arrived on the Felinni freighter, implying it was a one way trip.

    The majority of Gak's 'loyal' friends have been eliminated, but you can count on the fact that others will come to try to collect the bounty on Matt's head.

    Chapter Two will show that Matt inherited the Starry Night by default, and he and Katie decide to stay to build a new life for themselves, but naturally their absent friend will play a part in the decision to walk away from that life.

    What grabs the attention of Brink and Zahn is not so much the shootout, but rather the changes on Bryson resulting from Matt's arrival.

    Hopefully, readers will start to see the method behind my madness. LOL.

  5. #45
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Hmmm...well, just hafta wait til chapter two to see if it all pans out right, I guess. But that dialogue is still just a few kernels too much, in my opinion.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 04-01-2013 at 01:06 PM.

  6. #46
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    I'll have to agree with John about the dialogue, although I'd call it cheesy rather than corny, and their retirement to the boudoir seems a bit precipitous, given that the smoke has yet to clear from the room. Who knows how many figures lurk in the shadows, debating whether to take over Gak's business with a well-placed blaster shot? I'm all for taking advantage of the adrenaline rush, but jeez, get a motel room (preferably one with a very strong lock and bullet-proof glass).

    More miscellaneous musings:

    Katie's intro for Brink is really awkward. You can work the back story into the dialogue more naturally (naturallier?).

    Is the first room upstairs on the left hers, Gak's, or up for grabs to the first guy with the right amount of credits?

    I'm still having trouble reconciling the drugs Gak used on Katie and her current attitude. Where's the mental fog, the fuzzy memories, the lack of willpower and resistance? Where's the fear of the pain stick? It's like she was just hanging around the bar waiting for McCord to finally show up, and a fight broke out. She's gone from slave to future entrepeneur in four pages.

    Why would arriving on the Felinni freighter imply a one-way trip? Can't he afford a return ticket? I accept that he doesn't have his own ship, but this planet seem to get quite a few visitors. If they're going to settle down here and take over Gak's establishment, "don't have a ride home" isn't a convincing reason.
    Last edited by Gilfindel; 04-02-2013 at 04:48 PM.

  7. #47
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah...cheesy dialogue, like a B-movie.

  8. #48
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    Alrighty then. Too cheesy.

    Question: Which would be better? Re-write the previous page or delete it and leave it out entirely?

    I was attempting to show the bantering between Matt and Katie was normal for their relationship.

    Also, at this point, Matt is considering hanging up his gun and settling down with Katie and Bryson is as good as place as any to do that.

    So far I have only one page of chapter two written, so I can add or subtract details before the main story begins.

    I'll post that page on the next thread, while me, myself, and I ponder the end of chapter one.

  9. #49
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    The three of you should be able to sort it out pretty quickly, then ;-) The issue isn't the banter, per se; that's pretty much de rigueur for this sort of thing. It just sounds a bit too much like a dozen other such exchanges: my mother wanted me to marry a doctor / she never liked me anyway / maybe I should have just left you here / Oh yeah? / Yeah! It needs a bit of originality, although I'm not really sure what to suggest here. How about something along the lines of:
    - Took you long enough to show up.
    - Maybe if you had sent me a hypergram with the name of the planet you were being held captive on, I might have gotten here a bit sooner.
    - Maybe if you had shown up for our date on time, I wouldn't have had to.
    - Maybe if you hadn't stood me up the last three times, I might believed you when you said you'd be there at eight.
    - Maybe if you hadn't been such a jerk about Brink, I would have treated you better.
    - Well, Brink's an asshole, and you know it.
    - Well, yeah, but still.
    - Fine.
    - Fine.
    - So ... what now?
    - We should probably leave before the police show up.
    - Police? Are you kidding me?
    - Or your friend's friends, anyway.
    - ... I think we got them all.
    - Ah. Well, your place or mine?
    - Yours. I don't like my place.
    Or whatever comes to mind ;-)

  10. #50
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    I've decided to change the ending of Chapter One to include less banter between Matt and Katie and provide more of an insight into Matt's thoughts. This also enables me to briefly introduce a supporting character who will play a role in the main storyline.

    The pair continued their back to back dance until they became satisfied no further threat remained.

    “Are you alright?” asked Matt as he turned and holstered his weapons.

    “Much better, now that you’re here! What took you so long?” replied Katie, as she lowered her blaster.”

    “Gee! I thought I made pretty good time, all things considered.” as he smiled and removed his coat to drape over her shoulders.

    “What things?” she asked as she pretended it mattered.

    “Oh you know the usual. Figuring out who kidnapped you, where they took you, stuff like that. Once I did, I still had to hitch a ride here.”

    “Oh” was all she managed to say as her adrenaline rush suddenly wore off as she started to fall and would have if he didn’t catch her in the act. Unconscious, he scooped her into his arms and yelled to those outside to get a doctor before locating and carrying her into Gak’s office and placing her on a couch there.

    A portly Draconian named Voxx quickly responded and after examining Katie under Matt’s watchful gaze declared she had been drugged and treated her as best he could. Finally, he informed Matt that all she needed now was some rest and that he would return later to check on her. When Matt offered to pay for his services Voxx refused, stating he was always glad to help someone in need.

    After the doctor departed, Matt barricaded himself in the office and spent the remainder of the night sitting beside Katie holding her hand and wondering where to go and what to do now that she was safe.

    Whoever once said that love conquers all probably didn’t have a price on his head at the time. Ever since he escaped what for all intents and purposes was an Anterian death sentence years ago, he never stayed in one place too long. Always on the move he had made his way thru life using his skills with a blaster to protect himself and provide a sense of peace to places that had none prior to his arrival.

    That was fine as long as he only had himself to worry about, but now that he found Katie again things would need to be different. Perhaps this was some kind of sign that it was time to settle down and begin anew, not that he believed in such signs, but clearly his life was about to change and it was up to him to ensure those changes would be for the better for himself as well as Katie.

    Bryson seemed to be as good as place as any to settle down. The climate was warm and settlements were few and far between. Naturally, he would need to consult with Katie before making plans that included her. His feelings for her hadn’t changed in all these years but perhaps hers might have, after all, his disappearance from the Academy had been rather sudden, he never had the chance to even say goodbye.

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