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Thread: Plan B

  1. #1
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    Plan B

    CHAPTER ONE.

    The new Starry Night, built in 2360 and located on Bryson III, resembled a hundred other bars, on ten different worlds, whose proprietors once paid a premium for exclusive rights to use the name and other trademarks of the now defunct franchise.

    The War of 2238 had put the other Starry Night locations out of business as a side effect of the massive destruction it created. Only Earth, now renamed Terra Prime, and a few others avoided total destruction.
    The owner of this location, an Anterian named Slo’Vek Gak would not have paid any such premiums regardless, and he cared little about anyone’s rights. On this lawless frontier planet, he was king and anyone who dared question that fact soon regretted it, usually just prior to their demise.

    His ancestors had amassed a rather large fortune by supplying arms, supplies, and an occasional star-cruiser to both sides during the war, a dangerous practice but highly profitable business venture.
    The family fortune now dwindling away, he simply felt it was time to acquire some ill-gotten gains of his own, and Bryson was certainly the place to do that. After all, what hard working cutthroat, smuggler, or thief didn’t need a place to relax and unwind? If those individuals needed a place to spend some of their recently acquired profits, why should he not be the one to provide the opportunity for them to do so?

    He spared no expense to import the café style doors at the main entrance or on the various games of chance that lined the rear wall. His pride and joy was the sleek looking glossy black bar with the chrome plated top that cost him more to ship than it did to reproduce. The scantily clad females of various humanoid species who provided more than liquid refreshments cost him dearly as well. Not in wages of course, but in the illegal drugs and equipment for the dungeon below necessary to keep them submissive and obedient to his wishes.
    Unfortunately for him, he never had the chance to see any return on his substantial investment because he died rather suddenly on opening night behind his precious bar.

    Apparently the new owner, a Human male no less, considered kidnapping, drugging, and torturing your female staff not to be an ethical way to conduct business, especially when one of those females was clearly a close, personal friend. Without hesitation he decided to rectify the situation….permanently.

    Unintentionally to be sure, the new king of the hill brought law and order to a place where none previously existed before. It had taken a few years for the probably exaggerated story to reach Terra Prime and the ears of Terrain Fleet Admirals Jason Brink and Kel’Lik Zahn. The first dismissed it with annoyance and the second found it amusing and both filed it away for future reference.



  2. #2
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    Sorry folks, my posts appeared out of order for some reason.

    Plan B is my working title in lieu of Gilfindel's recent experience.

    This is my new opening of my science-fiction work and I will only post a few pages for your thoughts, suggestions, and critique.

    I should advise that upon rare occasions my characters utter a mild profanity or two and my work does have some material intended for adult readers.

    My thanks in advance to those who take away from their own writing time to help me improve my skills.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    A few random thoughts and suggestions. I'll focus more on the narrative and plot points, and let others handle the grammar ;-)


    The new Starry Night, built in 2360 and located on Bryson III, resembled a hundred other bars, on ten different worlds, whose proprietors once paid a premium for exclusive rights to use the name and other trademarks of the now defunct franchise. I gather "Starry Night" was once a popular/exclusive/values franchise (the Hard Rock Cafe of its era?). You might play that up a bit to highlight the contrast to its current state. "Other trademarks" is lame; it should have a familiar logo that's instantly recognizable across the planets.

    The War of 2238 had put the other Starry Night locations out of business as a side effect of the massive destruction it created. This should be your first sentence. Hit the demise of the franchise hard. Only Earth, now renamed Terra Prime, I'd flip this around. It's Terra Prime now, it's old (and rather mundane) appellation "Earth" should be an afterthought, just so we know what you're talking about. and a few others avoided total destruction. The owner of this location, an Anterian Antarian, as in someone from Antares? named Slo’Vek Gak would not have paid any such premiums regardless, and he cared little about anyone’s rights. So why did he call it Starry Night then? Was he a fan of Van Gogh? He must have had some reason to pick up an old franchise concept. On this lawless frontier planet, That's a bit cliche he was king and anyone who dared question that fact soon regretted it, usually just prior to their demise.

    His ancestors had amassed a rather large fortune by supplying arms, supplies, and an occasional star-cruiser to both sides during the war, a dangerous practice but highly profitable business venture.
    The family fortune now dwindling away, he simply felt it was time to acquire some ill-gotten gains of his own, and Bryson was certainly the place to do that. After all, what hard working cutthroat, smuggler, or thief didn’t need a place to relax and unwind? If those individuals needed a place to spend some of their recently acquired profits, why should he not be the one to provide the opportunity for them to do so?

    He spared no expense to import the café style doors at the main entrance or on the various games of chance that lined the rear wall. but His pride and joy was the sleek looking You don't need to say "looking". It is or it isn't glossy black bar with the chrome plated top that cost him more to ship than it did to reproduce. I assume the cache of having the real thing was important The scantily clad females of various humanoid species who provided more than liquid refreshments cost him dearly as well. Not in wages of course, but in the illegal drugs and equipment for the dungeon I don't like dungeon. Is this a place to keep the girls, or does it serve some other purpose? below necessary to keep them submissive and obedient to his wishes.
    Unfortunately for him, he never had the chance to see any return on his substantial investment because he died rather suddenly on opening night behind his precious bar.

    Apparently the new owner, presumably the new owner after Gak's untimely death a Human male no less, why is this surprising? Are humans considered to be inferior or something? considered did not consider kidnapping, drugging, and torturing your female staff not to be an ethical way to conduct business, especially when one of those females was clearly delete "clearly" a close, personal friend. Without hesitation he decided to rectify the situation….permanently.

    Although Unintentionally to be sure, the new king of the hill brought law and order to a place where none previously existed before. It took a few years for the probably exaggerated story to reach Terra Prime and the ears of Terrain Terran? Fleet Admirals Jason Brink and Kel’Lik Zahn. The former dismissed it with annoyance and the latter found it amusing and both filed it away for future reference. Why is the situation on Bryson of interest to Terra? I presume they don't care about the bar itself, just the results of the change of ownership.
    Last edited by Gilfindel; 03-19-2013 at 06:00 PM.

  4. #4
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    LOL. Yeah the Starry Nights were once very popular, more like Hooters than the Hard Rock Café. Gak wanted to attract the attention of those unsavory types like him which is why he went for this particular theme.

    Page Two will lightly touch on the purpose of the dungeon, and some aliens do in fact consider humans inferior and Gak was one of those.

    This little story is sort of like word of mouth advertising. This freighter crew tells that freighter crew to check out the Starry Night on Bryson III, etc. As far as Brink and Zahn are concerned, there is a history between them and my MC and leading lady that will become evident shortly. The galaxy is a big place and this story tells them where to look for my MC when they need him. {Chapter Two}

  5. #5
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    I've made a few changes to page one per Gil's suggestions, now it's on to page two where we'll meet my MC's leading lady.

    Katie Dolan’s memory was intact, at least until her abduction. After that she felt as if someone yanked her brain out of her body; wrapped it in a dense blanket of fog; then shoved it back in, missing a few key connections in the process.

    She remembered arriving on Celena IV to meet two long lost friends from her Academy days. One she loved like a brother. His best friend was the man she almost married, the one that had stolen her heart a long time ago.

    When the fog was thick she could barely remember her name. Then the fog would dissipate and Gak would appear telling her she was his property now, his whore, no one would come looking for her, no one would save her. She would do his bidding or else, and after one session in the dungeon, she knew what ‘or else’ meant. Her mind would scream FIGHT! Or RUN, but her body refused to comply, and soon her mind gave up on giving orders her body would not obey.

    Somewhere deep in her sub-conscious there was this tiny voice that the drugs and the dungeon could not quiet. Two human males would come looking for the human hybrid they loved. The one she loved like a brother was an officer in the Terrain Fleet. The other was now a soldier of fortune. Both would make Slo’Vek Gak pay the ultimate price for his sin.

    At the shrill sound of a whistle, Katie like an obedient dog, responded to her master’s call and stood naked in the hallway outside her bedroom for her daily dose of the drugs. Tonight the fog was only a thin veil and standing there with the other females like her, she watched Gak slowly walk the hall as a general might inspect his troops. He chose this girl to serve the booths, that one to work one of the gaming tables, and on and on until he came to stand in front of her.

    Her red hair and voluptuous figure she had inherited from her human mother, her green complexion from an alien father she never knew. She sensed Gak admired those traits greatly, and she wasn’t surprised that he chose her to work behind the bar with him on opening night.

    He chose the outfit she was now wearing which was a very short, black skirt that barely covered her as…sets, and a tiny red top that made a valiant effort to contain her ample charms. He had chosen similar outfits for the other females as well, outfits that magnified their own charms.

    As Gak eagerly anticipated, opening night drew a large crowd. Mostly male, they came from the nearby spaceport or from the areas surrounding the town. There were a few females in the crowd wearing olive green jumpsuits bearing the logo of Fellinni Freight, which meant there was a freighter in orbit. Most seemed to favor the games of chance, but a couple of them bellied up to the bar, obviously admiring the scenery and checking the status of their credit chips, just like the males who vied for her attention.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    There's a gap between the first page and this one, chronologically speaking. I presume we're going back in time to the opening of the Starry Night, before Gak meets his demise.


    Katie Dolan’s memory was intact, at least until her abduction. [<-- This doesn't add anything to the story. I already assume her brain was functional before her acquisition.] After that she felt as if someone yanked her brain out of her body; wrapped it in a dense blanket of fog; then shoved it back in, missing a few key connections in the process. [lol, nice description]

    She remembered arriving on Celena IV [sometimes or always?] to meet two long lost friends from her Academy days. One she loved like a brother. His best friend was the man she almost married, the one that had stolen her heart a long time ago. [so how did she end up here on a different planet? any memory fragments to tease us with?]

    When the fog was thick she could barely remember her name. Then the fog would dissipate and Gak would appear telling her [does he only tell her this while she's coherent?] she was his property now, his whore, no one would come looking for her, no one would save her. She would do his bidding or else, and after one session in the dungeon, she knew what ‘or else’ meant. Her mind would scream FIGHT! Or RUN, but her body refused to comply, and soon her mind gave up on giving orders her body would not obey.

    Somewhere deep in her sub-conscious there was this tiny voice that the drugs and the dungeon could not quiet. Two human males ["human males" is awkward, just "men"] would come looking for the human hybrid [a human-what hybrid?] they loved. The one she loved like a brother [the repetition is awkward. maybe give them names?] was an officer in the Terrain [Terran?] Fleet. The other was now a soldier of fortune. Both would make Slo’Vek Gak pay the ultimate price for his sin [cliche].

    At the shrill sound of a whistle, Katie [rose? stirred? panted?] like an obedient dog, responded to her master’s call and stood naked in the hallway outside her bedroom for her daily dose of the drugs. Tonight the fog [that's a lot of fog. mix it up: haze, clouds, fuzziness] was only a thin veil and standing there with the other females like her [exactly like her, or just in the same situation?] , she watched Gak slowly walk the hall as a general might inspect his troops. He chose this girl to serve the booths, that one to work one of the gaming tables, and on and on until he came to stand in front of her.

    Her red hair and voluptuous figure she had inherited from her human mother, her green complexion from an alien father she never knew [she's an Orion slave girl? not very original. how about tiger stripes or snake skin? furries are popular, too] . She sensed Gak admired those traits greatly, and she wasn’t surprised that he chose her to work behind the bar with him on opening night. [because that would showcase her more than the other roles?]

    He chose the outfit she was now wearing which was a very short, black skirt that barely covered her as…sets, [lol, cute, but too coy for someone in her dire position] and a tiny red top that made a valiant effort to contain her ample charms. He had chosen similar outfits [like a uniform, or just consistently skimpy?] for the other females as well, outfits that magnified their own charms. [too many charms. find synonyms]

    As Gak eagerly anticipated [expected?] , opening night drew a large crowd. Mostly male, they came from the nearby spaceport or from the areas [bland. can you be more descriptive?] surrounding the town. There were a few females in the crowd wearing olive green jumpsuits bearing the logo of Fellinni Freight, which meant there was a freighter in orbit. [all the girls work for Fellinni?] Most [of the clientele, not just the women, presumably] seemed to [but you're not sure?] favor the games of chance, but a couple of them [just a couple? Gak's plan isn't working] bellied up to the bar, obviously admiring the scenery and checking the status of their credit chips, just like the males who vied for her attention.
    Last edited by Gilfindel; 03-20-2013 at 09:10 PM.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    I think you've jumped around too much in these two excerpts. You start with the history of the franchise and the War, then about Gak, then about Gak's death, then about the admirals learning about Gak's death and the aftermath, and now you jump back to the opening of the club. If Katie's going to be rescued relatively soon before her virtue is compromised, then you might start somewhere around here, with Katie waking up in the dungeon, naked and foggy, encountering Gak and the club, and filling in the bits and pieces as she learns about her situation.

    "What planet is this?" Katie asked the blue-skinned Aldebaran in the next cell. Her neighbor's cat-slitted eyes looked her over incredulously.
    "Bryson III," she said, like Katie was an idiot child.
    "But, I was on Celena IV."
    "Honey, you're on the other side of the sector now. You belong to Gak now."

    Less exposition, more action. Show us what's happening, don't tell us.
    Last edited by Gilfindel; 03-20-2013 at 09:22 PM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    Alternatively, since I've just noticed that Katie isn't the MC, start with Mr. Dark, Tall and Handsome, stepping off the Betty Lou in the spaceport, ignoring the sneers and smirks at the "humee", and heading for the nearest bar, the Starry Night, the last of the franchise still standing after the Great War.

    The emphasis at the moment is on Gak, but you probably don't want the reader to get too caught up in him. I always like having my MC be the first person you meet in the story. But that's me; your mileage may vary...

  9. #9
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    Gil,

    Glad you are asking questions, this is exactly what I want a new reader to do. I am also taking your suggestions to heart and making changes along the way, so I will give you a bit of a spoiler alert.

    The Starry Night story is not the main storyline, it merely sets the stage for future events.

    I had this notion that Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday might not be so famous if the shootout at the OK Corral never happened, hence no stories to be told.

    The story of a crazy human and his naked female companion shooting it up in a bar against bad guys will set tongues wagging, and draw the attention of friends and enemies alike which will complicate the mission of my MC.

    Yeah I figured someone might think Katie is part Orion, but what can I say? Rachel Nichols looked mighty fine green. LOL.

    P.S. Spell check keeps wanting me to add the I in Terran, but I forgot to change it on this page.
    Last edited by MUSKETTER 3; 03-21-2013 at 08:30 AM.

  10. #10
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Just a quick two cents...in paragraph #5 she's standing naked. In paragraph #7 she's wearing a skimpy outfit. How'd that happen?

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