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  1. #1
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    First impressions

    My science fiction/adventure series is currently set in a universe created by others. As suggested in another forum, I am considering relocating that setting to a universe of my own creation.

    With that thought in mind, I am considering two different opening scenes.

    I am posting both opening paragraphs here along with my line of reasoning. Granted one paragraph isn't going to tell you much, just looking for any first impressions before getting too carried away.

    Version One

    The new Starry Night, built in 2360 on Bryson III resembled a hundred other bars on ten different worlds whose owners paid a premium for exclusive rights to use the name and other trademarks of the now defunct franchise.

    This informs the reader that the story opens in a bar on a distant world of the future.

    Version Two

    Like an obedient dog responding to her master's call, Katie Dolan climbed out of bed and unconcerned about her nudity proceeded into the hall to line up with the other humanoid females for her daily dose of the drugs that clouded her mind and destroyed her will power to fight or escape.

    This informs the reader that Katie perhaps is my MC [she isn't] and that she is in a tough spot not by choice.

    To me the first one sets the scene while the second throws the reader into my story without the benefit of a GPS.

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gilfindel's Avatar
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    I'm inclined to go with Version 1 (punctuation issues aside ;-). Version 2 piles too many questions on top of each other, and if Katie isn't the MC, then my sympathy for her plight seems a bit wasted.

  3. #3
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    Yeah, leaning towards version one myself. I wasn't too concerned with punctuation here, just looking for thoughts.


    Katie isn't my MC, more like my leading lady. In this version my MC is sort of like a gun fighter who is trying to hang up his gun and settle down only to be drawn back into action by the death of a friend.

    In the scene I want the reader thinking more along the lines that the lawless frontier of space is similar to the frontier of the Old West.

    I've only written a page or two so far. When I have more I'll post in WC and go from there.

  4. #4
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    I know this was awhile ago but, I like version one as well. I agree version two seems too fast while version one I can start seeing in my mind's eye immediately.

  5. #5
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    I am inclined to say version one as well. I like the wording of it better and it just paints a better picture in my mind.

  6. #6
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    Thanks for the interest but neither version turned out as expected.

    Chapter Two on seems to flow better but still trying to give my story a good start without becoming too much of an info dump. I've tried this from several angles and so far nothing works for me.

    Still plugging away though.

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