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  1. #1
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    Rise of the South By: Mark Raines

    A Socialist society is being forced by the United States White House Administration. President Salman Usama has promised to “fundamentally transform America”; little did the voters know that his far left agenda would change America from the core principals in which it was founded; striping away freedoms-one Executive Order at a time.

    Governor Don Slate of Texas is first to remove his State from the Union and takes the rein of the States that soon follow.

    America has not been this divided since the Civil War. As tensions swell and States secede, the President must take a stand.

    Will the President use the unmatched strength of the US Military to force the seceding States back into the Union; or bow down and allow a new independence?

    A decision will be made…with a shocking twist and unpredictable end.

    At 70,000 words, Rise of the South is fiction, except where historical, the people, places and events portrayed are from the imagination of Mark Raines.



  2. #2
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    Mark,

    This appears to be a very thinly disguised political rant. There's nothing wrong with that if you think you can sell it.

    As a minor point, I suspect your meant "stripping" instead of "striping."

    The name you give the president in your query may limit your audience. Perhaps that's your intent.

    I'm curious why you chose to capitalize "State" in your sentence about states seceding.

    Your closing sentence does nothing to make your dream agent say, "Oh, my. I gotta ask for this manuscript."

    But here's the important thing. Nothing in this query sets up tension. Nothing shows your reader who the protagonist is, and what she/he has at stake.

    What you've presented here is a very short summary of your tale.

    Don't hesitate to ignore my comments.

    Cur

  3. #3
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I wouldn't ignore them, Mark.

  4. #4
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    Great points. I've tried to keep my novel from sounding like a political rant, but with the topic being as it is...it's kind of tough. Obviously this novel has it's intended target; just hard to find the words that say "BUY ME".


    Quote Originally Posted by Smiling Curmudgeon View Post
    Mark,

    This appears to be a very thinly disguised political rant. There's nothing wrong with that if you think you can sell it.

    As a minor point, I suspect your meant "stripping" instead of "striping."

    The name you give the president in your query may limit your audience. Perhaps that's your intent.

    I'm curious why you chose to capitalize "State" in your sentence about states seceding.

    Your closing sentence does nothing to make your dream agent say, "Oh, my. I gotta ask for this manuscript."

    But here's the important thing. Nothing in this query sets up tension. Nothing shows your reader who the protagonist is, and what she/he has at stake.

    What you've presented here is a very short summary of your tale.

    Don't hesitate to ignore my comments.

    Cur

  5. #5
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    Cur, how nice to see you again! Hope you are well.

    Jeanne

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah, neither a right or left wing rants usually sell too well in fiction, unless they're sprinkled pretty sparsely throughout. It's great for non-fiction though. For fiction you want more even-handedness to appeal to a broader audience.

    Use simple present tense. Pick a main character (protagonist) and tell the story from his perspective. I think probably Don Slate is your man, but the query you posted seems to focus more on Usama. If you want to use him as your MC, you want to moderate your political bias. An extreme right agenda can destroy America just as handily as an extreme left one. In fact, maybe you could associate Usama with Lincoln, since he's in a pretty similar situation. So something like this:

    U.S. President Salman Usama promises to “fundamentally transform America”. Voters who elect him little suspect that promise to usher in an agenda calculated to destroy the founding principles of America and strip away freedom one executive order at a time. Texas Governor Don Slate is first to secede from the union and carries the banner that other states soon follow.

    As dark clouds of civil war gather, the President faces decisions not seen on the American political stage since Lincoln. Should he allow the secession or attack to save the union?

    Rise of the South is a 70,000 word historical fiction.


    I think you need a little more story to make it more interesting.

  7. #7
    Rogue Mutt
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    This sounds perfect for the Fox "News" crowd...if they could read. The other day I was in the bargain bookstore and there were plenty of remaindered copies of Glenn Beck "Novels" and nonfiction by Sarah Palin and the like. So if even the superstars of your target audience can't sell out their runs, it makes me seriously question how much success a nobody would have.

    And BTW, someone's already done a series focused on this concept, way back in the 90s. http://www.amazon.com/Showdown-USA-M...usa+vs+militia

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Nothing new under the sun. No reason not to try. 70K is on the low side, especially for a book like this. Might want to hike it to 90K or so.

  9. #9
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    Thanks John
    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Nothing new under the sun. No reason not to try. 70K is on the low side, especially for a book like this. Might want to hike it to 90K or so.

  10. #10
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    Your query was very good-better than mine.

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