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  1. #11
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    She had been there all along. I hope some of you can see why I am having a problem. There is a team of protagonists. The setting is in a backward county about halfway between Orlando and Jacksonville. Daphne Flowers was brought in to help an underfunded County Sheriff keep the FBI at bay when the total number of murders reached the number where the FBI feels it is theirs.

    It starts with one known murder and goes up to five. Later it goes up more. When the antagonist begins to feel the heat he retaliates and things escalate. When everyone feels it is over the antagonist gets a rebound when an FBI Agent sees a promotion.

    That FBI Agent is taken in by feigned injuries to the antagonist. He gets Witness Protection to accept the antagonist by lying. The antagonist ends up in the same hospital as the girl that gets away. To the antagonist she feels like the last thing he still owns. He gets executed outside her door.

    I understand that a book is just a variation on a theme and that they all boil down to a conflict and its resolution. Someone complained because the MC wasn’t a cop. Because the protagonists are all doing what they are supposed to different parts of the plot touch different people. I don’t want to actually lie to an agent so I need to find a protagonist that covers enough of the plot to make the query work. I also believe that a query from the antagonist view will work but it is harder to pull off. Trying to use the team as the protagonist leads to soft writing and makes it tough to stay in first person.

    If anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it.



  2. #12
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Huh. Been there all along. Who'da thunk? Seems like since she's one of several MC's you put forth, you would mention her name at least once before.

    You received tons of suggestions. Good ones too. You don't seem to appreciate it. I stand by what I said. Forget the query and work on your book, your story, because as I said before, it's like you just make this stuff up as you go to try to irritate people. People might start ignoring you now, I think.

  3. #13
    Rogue Mutt
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    Really even if you have an ensemble cast there are bound to be one or two who are more important than others. Think of Star Trek: you have Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Uhura, Chekov, and Scotty who are all part of the team but in the series the three most important characters were always Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. And really Kirk and Spock were the most important of all. If you were writing a query for Star Trek then you wouldn't focus your query on Scotty or Sulu or Chekov; you'd focus it on Kirk and Spock.

    So really think of it like that and decide which one or two of your legion of main characters is the MAINEST character and focus your query on that.

    Or just write a query for each one and submit them randomly to agents and maybe you'll get lucky.

  4. #14
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    Let me know if this is getting closer please

    Daphne Flowers was wishing for a murder or something similar. Her sleaze quotient was full before her last case and this case left it overflowing. As the top forensic accountant of the FDLE she had seen too much of scammers and schemers for a long time.

    When her boss called, she got good news. She was to head an investigation of a murder along the St. Johns River. She will soon learn what ‘be careful what you wish for’ really means.

    Before she can even begin investigating four similar cold cases arise. Two days later two friends disappear from a jobsite. A heavy rain had wiped out any sign of a trail so she had to wait for dawn before searching the wilderness. While waiting she dug through an encampment behind the site. She finds a serial killers memento box and the body count climbed a lot more. She also found some IEDs and empty explosives boxes. She added the terrorist tag to the serial killer tag.

    She finds that there is some terrorist chatter focused on the area. A name also comes up and it is the name of the former Sheriff of Putnam County. Checking on him leads to more questions. He has a business in Freeport and no one knows why he is in the area. He seems to be drawn to the site her friends had been working at.

    The Coast Guard calls Daphne to warn her that something is happening and two boats of possible bad guys are on the way. Things then escalate faster than the police can keep up with.

    ST. JOHNS is a completed 69000 word work of fiction. It could be considered a mystery/thriller.

    Thank you for your time and consideration

  5. #15
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Well, I'll say this...you're both persistent and consistent.

  6. #16
    Rogue Mutt
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    The idea that she's sitting around hoping for someone to be murdered and then is like "Oh goody, a murder!!!" sounds pretty awful. Who wants to read about a character who thinks like that?

    I really don't think you're putting much thought into these; you seem to just be tossing them off one after the other.

  7. #17
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    I'll give it one last try. Any comments will be welcomed. Thanks again

    The fall of Bobby Cundiff, the somewhat respected former Sheriff of Putnam County took four days. The fourth day was a surprise, he was put in custody on the third, and it didn’t end well.

    Daphne Flowers is finally getting her first murder; actually she is getting her first murder investigation. Four years ago she became an FDLE Agent but she is also a CPA so she has become their top forensic accountant. The FDLE also doesn’t get a whole lot of murders. With murders the FDLE is usually called in to keep the FBI away. They work kind of like garlic for vampires.

    Daphne’s investigation starts with a body that has been pulled from the St. Johns River, four cold cases are similar enough to tie them together. Daphne also learns of an uptick in missing young women. Before the body has been identified or autopsied Daphne’s friends disappear from a jobsite. At that site Daphne finds a serial killer’s memento box and enough explosives to consider adding the terrorist tag to the serial killer tag. Checking Federal sources and finding that chatter is focused on the area, she firmly affixes the terrorist tag to her file. She would soon find out the name to be placed on that file.

    ST. JOHNS is a completed 69000 word work of fiction. It could be considered a mystery/thriller.

  8. #18
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    I have some comments. They’re in CAPS so they’ll be easy to see.


    I'll give it one last try. Any comments will be welcomed. Thanks again

    The fall of Bobby Cundiff, the somewhat WHY DO YOU SAY “SOMEWHAT?” IF YOU’RE FORESHADOWING SOMETHING, SAVE IT FOR YOUR MANUSCRIPT. YOUR DREAM AGENT RECEIES HUNDREDS OF QUERIES. SHE/HE WON’T SPEND MUCH TIME ON ONE THAT BUMPS HER. respected former Sheriff of Putnam County took four days. The fourth day was a surprise, he was put in custody on the third, and it didn’t end well. PREVIOUS SENTENCE IS CONFUSING AND CONVOLUTED. YOU FIRST MENTION THE FOURTH DAY AND THEN SWITCH TO THE THIRD DAY. I KINDA SORTA SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, BUT I DON’T THINK IT SERVES YOUR GOAL. YOUR SOLE GOAL IN A QUERY IS TO CAUSE AN AGENT TO ASK FOR A PARTIAL OR FULL.

    Daphne Flowers is finally getting her first murder; actually she is getting her first murder investigation. IS THERE A REASON YOU WASTE VALUBALE Q REAL ESTATE BY MAKING THIS SENTENCE LONGER AND MORE CUTSIE THAN IT NEEDS TO BE. Four years ago she became an FDLE WHAT ON EARTH IS THE FDLE? Agent but she is also a CPA so CONSIDER AND INSTEAD OF SO. she has become their top forensic accountant. The FDLE also doesn’t get a whole lot of murders. With murders the FDLE is usually called in to keep the FBI away. SINCE THERE IS NO CONTEXT AT ALL, THE PREVIOUS TWO SENTENCES ARE PRETTY MUCH INCOHERENT. CAN YOU SEE WHY? They work kind of like garlic for vampires. IF YOUR TALE IS HUMOROUS, THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE MIGHT FLY. BUT IF YOUR TALE IS HUMOROUS, YOUR Q NEEDS TO SAY SO. IF YOUR TALE ISN’T, THE SENTENCE IS TOO MUCH LIKE YOU’RE PREENING.

    Daphne’s investigation starts with a body that has been pulled from the St. Johns River, WHY HAVE YOU USED A COMMA INSTEAD OF A PERIOD? START A NEW SENTENCE UNLESS YOU CAN TELL ME PRECISELY WHY YOU WENT FOR A COMMA. four cold cases are similar enough to tie them together. Daphne also learns of an uptick THIS IS FAR TOO WEAK A WORD. AN INCREASING NUMBER OF WOMEN ARE MISSING, AND YOU THINK “UPTICK” IS THE RIGHT WORD. in missing young women. Before the body has been identified or autopsied Daphne’s friends disappear from a jobsite. WHO ARE DAPHNE’S FRIENDS AND WHY ARE THEY DISAPPERAING FRON A “JOBSITE?” At that site Daphne finds a serial killer’s memento box and enough explosives to consider adding the terrorist tag to the serial killer tag. Checking Federal sources and finding that chatter is focused on the area, she firmly affixes the terrorist tag to her file. She would YOU’VE SWITCHED TENSE FROM PRESENT TO PAST. IS THERE A REASON? CONSIDER WILL INSTEAD OF WOULD. soon find out the name to be placed on that file.

    ST. JOHNS is a completed 69000 word work of fiction. It could be considered a mystery/thriller. IT “COULD” BE CONSIDERED… ARE YOU LEAVING IT OPEN FOR THE READER OF YOUR Q TO DECIDE IT’S A ROMANTIC OPERA? I’M TEASING YOU, BUT EVERY WORD IN YOUR Q AND IN YOUR MANUSCRIPT NEEDS TO BE CAREFULLY CHOSEN. THINK OF IT THIS WAY, YOUR TALE IS A MYSTERY/THRILLER OR IT ISN’T. DELETE COULD.

    I READ THIS THREAD FROM THE BEGINNING BEFORE POSTING. I SUSPECT YOUR NOVEL ISN’T READY FOR THE Q PROCESS. YOU KNOW, THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

    IF YOU HAVE THICK SKIN CONSIDER POSTING THE FIRST COUPLE PAGES OF YOUR TALE IN THE WRITING CRAFT THREAD. USEFUL CRITIQUE IS DIRECT. IT CAN HURT. THING TO KEEP IN MIND IS THAT COMMENTS Y RECEIVE ARE DIRECTED AT YOUR WRITING, NOT YOU AS A PERSON.
    HOPE THIS IS USEFUL. DON’T HESITAT TO IGNORE.
    CUR

  9. #19
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    Thank you sir.

    This is what I have been looking for for quite a while. I appreciate all of your advice and have posted the first five pages of the book in the writing critique pages. It has been critiqued locally and got good reception, but you know how that goes.

    Thanks again

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