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Thread: Awkward?

  1. #1
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    Question Awkward?

    I have described an apartment and its many residents in several paragraphs of a story. The first sentence of a new paragraph follows. Is it awkwardly written?

    My parents, two brothers and I lived more commodiously and quietly on the floor below in the exact space directly beneath Harriet’s larger family’s apartment.

    Comments and suggestions please.



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah, awkward. Don't see "commodious" used as an adverb too often. Unnecessary verbiage. Two possessives in a row is almost always a bad idea. Try this:

    My parents, two brothers, and I lived quietly in a more commodious apartment directly beneath Harriet and her larger family.

  3. #3
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    Bravo. Thank you. I knew two posessives was bad idea but went brain dead as to solution. You always come to rescue.

    Actually, I prefer to not use ly suffix whenever possible, as they begin to crowd up on a page.

  4. #4
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    Harriet’s gang of a family lived in the second-story apartment and the walls seemed to bulge. My folks took the ground floor home, same size, and my brothers and I lived a mellow life with ample space.

  5. #5
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    Thank you. This is an improvement over my original.


    Quote Originally Posted by alcarty View Post
    Harriet’s gang of a family lived in the second-story apartment and the walls seemed to bulge. My folks took the ground floor home, same size, and my brothers and I lived a mellow life with ample space.

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