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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012

    new start to Eternally Yours a vampire tale set in France 1925

    Cowering beneath a dining table shivered a stunning young woman with a profusion of red hair cascading wildly about her pale shoulders. Her wild eyes stared in terror at the blood-red contents of a spilled bottle of wine slowly spreading towards her. Her fear recognised the long black coat covering the leather trousers worn by him. Her fear told her she might not escape him this time. She bit her hand to prevent the scream from giving her away as the tip of his sword sliced through the table, stopping less than an inch from her eye. Blood dripped from the tip of the sword and ran down her face. The screams of death became a crescendo in her fractured mind.

    As the room fell silent, amplifying those dreadful sounds of insatiable hunger being satisfied, she scrambled on all fours. She stood up and rushed through the shattered French doors. She raced for her very life across the vast lawn of the Moreau Chateau to the surrounding woods as rain slashed across her tearful face. Lightning crackled from brooding clouds, followed by a thunderous reply. She kicked off her elegant shoes and continued bare foot through the undergrowth. Branches whipped at her face and legs causing thin scratches. Her beautiful white chiffon dress designed by her close friend, Coco Chanel, was now hanging in tatters by a single strap. She didn’t stop. She didn’t look behind. She instinctively knew to do so would be fatal. She ran and ran and ran.

    She could sense him chasing her. He was so close she could almost smell his blood. She heard him stumble and curse. This spurred her on into the encroaching light of dawn.

    ‘You won’t get far my Delicate Rose.’ His cruel laughter tormented her fear.

    Delicate Rose slipped down a steep embankment of wet grass. She lost her balance and fell into a filthy ditch of muddy water. As she clambered from the muck her ears picked up the sound of an approaching car – his car. She suddenly stopped, not sure what to do. The sudden glare of headlamps snapped her from her terror freeze. She dived back into the ditch. Moments later, the car crawled by.

    She dared to open her eyes. Through the filthy water she could see him exit the car and remove his sword. The blade plunged into the water close to her face. This was repeated until he got back into the car. From under the water she heard the car drive off. She waited until her lungs were about to collapse before risking a gulp of air. A large rat crawled over face. Her scream was filled with stagnant water. She coughed the filth from her lungs and dragged her shivering body from the ditch. She collapsed to her knees and coughed up more muddy water. She looked down the narrow country lane to see nothing. All was silent. She got up and stumbled away in the opposite direction, trying to remember who he was, but she was a blank slate.

  2. #2
    Junior Member
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    Nov 2012
    This one flows better, much better.

    "She dived back into the ditch."

    Shouldn't this be "She DOVE back into the ditch" ?


  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Better, but it still needs a lot of work.

    For example, the first sentence: Cowering beneath a dining table shivered a stunning young woman with a profusion of red hair cascading wildly about her pale shoulders.

    -It's difficult to start with the verb. Trying putting the subject first.
    -Don't tell us the woman is stunning, show us. I know that's annoyingly cliche, but I just mean, describe her. You start with the red hair.
    -You use a lot of adjectives and some are awkward. Do you really need cascading and wildly? Will cascading not suffice on its own, or maybe if her hair is falling wildly about her shoulders, just wildly? Does she have a profusion of red hair, or is her hair just long?

    How I would rewrite it: A stunning young woman shivered beneath a dining table, her long hair cascading over her pale shoulders.

    Of course you need to tailor it to your own style, but simplifying makes the images stronger and more understandable.
    Keep at it, it'll get better!

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Columbus, Ohio
    Mockingbird, the incongruence...you really can't see it, can you? Okay, for example, the tip of a sword does not slice through anything; it punctures or stabs things. The edge of the blade slices things. Or how about this...have you ever been under muddy water? You see nothing through muddy water, zero. And it's very difficult to hear anything that is out and away from the water when you are under water, especially something like a car driving away. And if the water is clear enough for her to see the car from underneath the water, then it's clear enough for him to see her in it, and he'd start butchering red-haired cutlets in no time. You see? Incongruent. Your story does not align with reality.

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