HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
Closed Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 83
  1. #1
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Query: Chance of a Lifetime

    I haven't done one of these in a while, so I'm a little out of practice. What do you think?

    When Detective Steve Fischer crosses the mob, he winds up like so many others at the bottom of the harbor. But thanks to an experimental drug, Steve gets a second chance for revenge. Thereís just one problem: Steve is now a young woman named Stacey.

    Staceyís quest becomes more urgent when she learns mob boss Artie Luther plans to sell the experimental drug to the highest bidder. Without the drugís formula, Stacey has no hope to ever again be the man she was. So armed with only her newfound feminine wiles, Stacey lures one of Lutherís men into a trap and then begins to work her way up the chain of command.

    But before she can get to Luther or the formula, she might end up at the bottom of the harbor again. Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller about revenge and redemption .

    My first novel A Heroís Journey was released by Solstice Publishing in October. Iíve also co-authored a book of short stories, We Are Now, to be released by December House Publishing in December.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Hmmm, 20 views and no comments must mean it's just that good no one has anything to say. Or that awful.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    394
    Rogue,

    I read it, but didn't have time to give you feedback. Still don't. On tight deadline to deliver my latest draft to my producer.

    The story sounds commercial, the query could use some tweaking.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Simon Says View Post
    Rogue,

    I read it, but didn't have time to give you feedback. Still don't. On tight deadline to deliver my latest draft to my producer.

    The story sounds commercial, the query could use some tweaking.
    I'd respond to this, but I'm on a tight deadline to deliver my sequel to my publisher and I have two books to promote. (Yeah, I can act like a bigshot too now.)

    If I did have time, I might note you apparently have time to talk to Xavier by PM. So I guess it's just me you don't have time for.

  5. #5
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    3,063
    I thought it was not awful - a little clutter, some style problems, and some questions. For example, Steve gets a second chance for revenge - what was his first chance for revenge? Steve is now a young woman named Stacey - do you mean Steve is still Steve and thinks and acts like Steve, but just inhabits the body of a young woman? Or do you mean he is literally a woman and thinks and acts like a woman, but remembers clearly how she used to think and act as a man? To me, that makes a huge difference, the difference between mere soul transference and reincarnation. There's great comedy to mine in both scenarios, but I think you need to clarify which one it is. It also makes a difference as to how you word the rest of the query.

    Also, I don't see how Luther selling the drug prevents Stacey from acquiring it from whomever buys it, unless the buyer plans to destroy it. I think you need to clear that up. She needs some compelling reason to pursue the drug. Right now, she could find out to whom Luther sold it, and avoid the mob entirely. So here's how I might address my concerns with this query in regard to both grammar and story:

    When Detective Steve Fischer crosses the mob, he winds up like at the bottom of the harbor, but an experimental drug gives him a chance for revenge. Thereís just one problem: He now inhabits the body of a young woman and calls himself Stacey.

    His quest becomes more urgent when he learns mob boss Artie Luther plans to sell the experimental drug to a buyer who plans to destroy it on moral grounds. Without the drug, Steve cannot regain his manhood. Armed only with his new feminine "assets", Steve lures one of Lutherís men into a trap and then begins to work up the chain of command. But before he reaches Luther or the drug, he might end up at the bottom of the harbor again.

    Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller.

    My first novel A Heroís Journey was released by Solstice Publishing in October. Iíve also co-authored a book of short stories, We Are Now, to be released by December House Publishing in December.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 10-19-2012 at 07:03 AM.

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    I probably should have said "drug formula." The whole scenario is that Luther and his goons steal the drug's formula and then kill the scientist who created it. Then he plans to sell it to a rival company. Sure Stacey could wait years for that company to start selling the drug, but even then in order to find a "cure" for her she'd need to reverse engineer the drug to determine what was in it and that might not even be the same as the original formula. By the time all that happened, a lot of years would have gone by. It would be far more expedient if she has the original formula.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rogue Mutt View Post
    I haven't done one of these in a while, so I'm a little out of practice. What do you think?

    When Detective Steve Fischer crosses the mob, he winds up like so many others at the bottom of the harbor. But thanks to an experimental drug, Steve gets a second chance for revenge. Thereís just one problem: Steve is now a young woman named Stacey.

    Staceyís quest becomes more urgent when she learns mob boss Artie Luther plans to sell the experimental drug to the highest bidder. Without the drugís formula, Stacey has no hope to ever again be the man she was. So armed with only her newfound feminine wiles, Stacey lures one of Lutherís men into a trap and then begins to work her way up the chain of command.

    But before she can get to Luther or the formula, she might end up at the bottom of the harbor again. Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller about revenge and redemption .

    My first novel A Heroís Journey was released by Solstice Publishing in October. Iíve also co-authored a book of short stories, We Are Now, to be released by December House Publishing in December.
    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    I thought it was not awful - a little clutter, some style problems, and some questions. For example, Steve gets a second chance for revenge - what was his first chance for revenge? Steve is now a young woman named Stacey - do you mean Steve is still Steve and thinks and acts like Steve, but just inhabits the body of a young woman? Or do you mean he is literally a woman and thinks and acts like a woman, but remembers clearly how she used to think and act as a man? To me, that makes a huge difference, the difference between mere soul transference and reincarnation. There's great comedy to mine in both scenarios, but I think you need to clarify which one it is. It also makes a difference as to how you word the rest of the query.

    Also, I don't see how Luther selling the drug prevents Stacey from acquiring it from whomever buys it, unless the buyer plans to destroy it. I think you need to clear that up. She needs some compelling reason to pursue the drug. Right now, she could find out to whom Luther sold it, and avoid the mob entirely. So here's how I might address my concerns with this query in regard to both grammar and story:

    When Detective Steve Fischer crosses the mob, he winds up like at the bottom of the harbor, but an experimental drug gives him a chance for revenge. Thereís just one problem: He now inhabits the body of a young woman and calls himself Stacey.

    His quest becomes more urgent when he learns mob boss Artie Luther plans to sell the experimental drug to a buyer who plans to destroy it on moral grounds. Without the drug, Steve cannot regain his manhood. Armed only with his new feminine "assets", Steve lures one of Lutherís men into a trap and then begins to work up the chain of command. But before he reaches Luther or the drug, he might end up at the bottom of the harbor again.

    Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller.

    My first novel A Heroís Journey was released by Solstice Publishing in October. Iíve also co-authored a book of short stories, We Are Now, to be released by December House Publishing in December.

  7. #7
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    3,063
    Don't they need to "reverse engineer" it anyway to find an antidote? Or is this the sort of drug that automatically reverses itself depending on whether you've taken it previously? By the way, just on the face of it, I think it sounds like a good story.

    So is Steve just inhabiting the woman's body, or has he been completely reincarnated?

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Southern Georgia
    Posts
    1,756
    Mutt, is the drug what caused the transference of his consciousness or soul? If so, then the drug is one that would cause anyone who takes it to have a soul-tranference? Or does one have to take it and then die? But if they die, how can the drug continue to affect where their soul goes? Or was he sent back to an empty body (so to speak) because he has unfinished business?

    Lea

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    394
    Quote Originally Posted by Rogue Mutt View Post
    If I did have time, I might note you apparently have time to talk to Xavier by PM. So I guess it's just me you don't have time for.
    Comments like that make it less likely that I would spend what free time I do have critiquing your query.

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Simon Says View Post
    Comments like that make it less likely that I would spend what free time I do have critiquing your query.
    Well you already said you didn't have time. But again you have plenty of time for snarky comments.

    Anyway, thanks for reminding me why I left this place. It's really not worth the trouble.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts