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  1. #1
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    The Shy Admirer

    Mae,

    I'm sorry, but life intruded on me the last couple weeks, and I've had to contend with it. I had zero time for the computer or other pursuits, but I didn't forget my promise, so without further ado, and after long delay, a poem of mine for you to shred, lol. The poem is about a shy man in love who fears to tell a woman he loves her, so he decides to write her a love poem. However, he feels too shy to write a poem about her and give it directly to her, so he decides to create an alter ego, a fictitious poet who writes a love poem to a woman he loves. Then the shy man decides he'll also have his alter ego create a fictitious poet to write another love poem. With these walls to hide behind, the shy man feels safe enough to write his heart, but in the final lines, he peeps from behind the walls and reveals himself.

    And if you're wondering...yeah, I'm The Shy Admirer, lol.


    The Shy Admirer

    Every poet holds within a rhythm--
    Music made, unheard by flesh's weak ear
    Calm, eternal songs that only souls hear.
    O, to hear refrains from God alone given!
    Thus, though poets all are somewhat same blest,
    More so is a poet who is love's slave.
    Love spurs all prolific hearts with mad zest;
    Hoping love songs might their hunger quick-stave.
    Such a hero is our poet sitting
    Pensive, pond'rous, patient brows both knitting,
    Thinking hard of words most fitting;
    He her grace against her beauty pitting...
    Ah! New insight comes from heaven's vast heights;
    He, renewed, encouraged to begin, writes:

    “In heaven, beauty makes its home in all,
    Surrounding, blessing creatures great and small,
    Engulfing heav'n, o'erflowing God's great hall.
    What man could blame if some to earth should fall?
    Indeed, such prob'ly happened one Spring day:
    A poet, musing, raised his eyes to see
    A woman, lovely more than words could say;
    A golden goddess. "Thou for me," said he.
    Departing quickly homeward, trusting Art
    To win or sway the heart for which he yearns,
    This man decides exposing thoughts discerns
    Courageous men from cowards; so, his heart
    He opens, hoping final end to lonely nights.
    With sweet remembrance, he this poem writes:”

    “'In Eden, God knew Adam's heart's desire,
    And from his flesh created Eve his wife:
    A God-encompass't beauty found sweet life,
    And Adam's heart first blazed with inn'cent fire.
    Though Adam knew omniscient God, he Eve placed higher;
    A lesser love, might man have God's edenic life
    Instead of constant, vulgar, mortal strife?
    Yet love made Adam risk eternal ire:
    And likewise, sons of Adam oft times love
    Their Eves with love outshining heav'n above.
    Pray answer now, if answer you can find,
    A question running foremost 'round my mind:
    Will any powers staunch my love, though plots conceive,
    If I an Adam be, and thou my blushing Eve?'”

    Smiling, our hero rises from his chair.
    Romantic visions fill his dreaming head
    With future words of love most gently said
    Between exceeding joyful, future pair.
    Silent petitions hang in hopeful air;
    An earnest prayer not for daily bread,
    But soul subsistence sown through poems read,
    Reaped in a sparkling smile and golden hair.
    Likewise, this poem's poet oft times prays
    About a certain woman lit with rays
    Of youth and beauty, living near to him.
    Would an auspicious fire abate, love dim,
    Were't known thou'rt the woman herein thrice praised,
    And I the poet in whom love has blazed?
    Last edited by John Oberon; 10-01-2012 at 03:38 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Oh, and I wrote this in college.

  3. #3
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    Wow, nicely done. It follows rhyme and meter and I don't mind the old English contractions because they work within the context of the poem and the poet's style. Personally, I think it could be tighter and leaner, more Shakespeare and less Pope, if you will. But I appreciate you sharing it here, and I won't slap the hell out of it like you have done with most of my offerings... let's have some more gems from you, something recent maybe?

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Couldn't help it...I was a hardcore Pope-aphile at the time. I like him better than Shakespeare, to tell you the truth, but I always liked Shakespeare's sonnets. So, I wrote sonnets in the style of Pope.

    I wouldn't mind if you "slap the hell out of it", lol. That's exactly why I posted it, so you could. Isn't that how writers improve? In my own opinion, I think it's pretty darn good though. The rhythm's off in a few places, and there could be more purpose to the rhyme scheme, but other than that, I like just about everything about it, even after all these years.

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    Honestly, it's obtuse and dense, and if it were given to me to edit I'd chop a lot out. You can make your point much clearer and swifter. But, I'm a Leo, and all about the 1-2 punch. You're probably an earth sign, given to discretion and a mellow musing style. Taurus or Virgo, perhaps...?

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Obtuse and dense? I guess I don't know what you mean. "Obtuse" means dim-witted or simple-minded, and at times, it means "playing dumb". Not to brag, but I see quite a bit of wit and skill in the poem, and I think it requires at least a modicum of wit and knowledge to appreciate it. "Dense" can mean a number of things, but I think maybe you meant it to apply to the language in the sense of "heavy" or "difficult to apprehend". I won't disagree. Not many people read Shakespeare or Pope nowadays.

    I don't know what you could "chop out". It's all interconnected and highly structured. If you remove anything, it affects another part of the poem. What would you chop?

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    I enjoyed reading this very much. I thought it was very well done. It kind of reminded me of an old poet's soul.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Why thank you. I was young when I wrote it, but I'm old now, so it all works out I guess, lol.

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