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  1. #21
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    Hello, Colleen. I agree with John the more the merrier.

    (I am currently editing my synopsis will hope to finish up soon)



  2. #22
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    Six unique individuals with abnormal abilities (Known as Gifts) make a seemingly perfect escape from a testing facility ran by 'Gifted Control Agents'. In a war-stricken time, humans can think of only one great defense -to use and control the gifted by discovering what makes them vulnerable, the weakness in the gifts.

    In a strategy decided years in advance the GCAs have raised an abandoned gifted as one of their own to send her off in hopes of gaining their trust and unveiling their secrets.
    An opportunity arises and the plan is set into motion Samantha is assigned the task of befriending her own kind, forcing her to momentarily leave behind her close friend (the only other gifted in the facility Marguerite).

    From location to location through struggles and time they each began to grow close to ones in the group as they search for a stable home. Samantha begins to find it harder and harder to continue in what will eventually cause harm to the ones she has come to love, both as friends and also romantically with one of the gifted (Zade).
    Seeing her hesitation and guilt growing the GCAs decide to use threatening force. Revealing to her a device implanted at a young age in her and Marguerite that could easily end their lives with the click of a button.

    The group stumbles upon a telepathic gifted while shoplifting for food (Liz) and she invites them into her home. They discover she also has a rare ability of immunity (She is immune to all gifts) and the GCAs jump at the opportunity. Liz and her brother Johnny come up missing and suspicion arises amongst the others.

    With all of the distrust it becomes near impossible for Sam to remain close to anyone besides Zade and the GCAs began to rush her into completing her assignment.

    The moment comes at last that Zade confides in her his past and in doing so tells her of the weakness in his gift (He cannot heal himself against the one he loves).

    Losing yet another home after Liz's capture they are welcomed in by coffee shop owners, Amy and Chris.
    Sam and Zade finally venture away from the group to be alone. Outside with the sun rising against their backs Zade believes it to be a perfect opportunity to confess his love for her. Knowing what trouble his feelings would cause Samantha runs off in an attempt to ignore what is obvious.
    Only too late, Danielle takes notice and becomes eager to exploit his weakness. With a literal and figurative ‘Stab in the back’ he is sent away to again be tested on with the new knowledge.

    After returning back to the agency Samantha’s guilt brings her to turn in early. Her mind racing and unable to sleep she overhears a secret kept hidden all her life.

    Marguerite is the daughter of Danielle and another GCA…

    Everything she has ever been told of her had been a lie. All she fought for -in protecting ‘little sister’- was nothing.
    In anger and desperation Samantha assists Zade in escape and in doing so seals her own fate, a consequence Zade remains unaware of.

    Her death, a devastating tragedy necessary for Zade to heal and for them all to finally be free in a place they can call home.

  3. #23
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Well, you pared down those run-on sentences a bit, so it reads a LITTLE better, but I still can't make heads or tails of it. It is just....scattered writing. You switch tenses and still use very little punctuation. It's like you leap from point to point in the story and leave out a lot of details. Take that Danielle - she just appears out of nowhere. Who is she? Where'd she come from? I don't know. Just appears out of nowhere ready to exploit Zade's weakness.

    You have a very cumbersome way of expression. Take this sentence:

    In a war-stricken time, humans can think of only one great defense -to use and control the gifted by discovering what makes them vulnerable, the weakness in the gifts.

    How about something more like this:

    In a war-stricken time, humans seek to defend themselves by controlling the gifted through their vulnerabilities.

    Hate to say it, but I think you need remedial writing classes. You need some schooling. You need to learn about grammar and punctuation and sequential thought. Takes time and effort, but I don't see how you can get around it if you want to write.

  4. #24
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    Somehow your story intrigues me and seems worthwhile to work on. But I also think you should take grammar/punctuation classes. They'll help you in a very short time. Just listen to the teacher (I used to be one).

  5. #25
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    I very much appreciate the honesty. I will continue working on it of course! Once I work on my grammer/puncuation i'll repost no matter how long it takes to get it right. Thank you.

  6. #26
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    Whoops XD just kind of threw DAnnielle in there huh...my bad.

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