I revised and if this gets me closure to getting it right. I have all of you to thank

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

This has been a learning experince for me. I can't thank you enough for the critiques and support you've given me. Thanks again, Cheryl


Years ago, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense, which caused an explosion, killing career criminal William Nicholas Mancuso. That's what she and fellow officers working the crime scene thought.

Now an FBI agent, Gina receives death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed WNM. He knows personal information about her, including a past sour romance that still stings like hell. Learning he knows something so private and painful elevates her anxiety beyond the normal scope. Vulnerability: not an emotion she’s at all comfortable with.


The bureau assigns handsome, sharp, agent Joey Zicara as her partner. Now she’s caught between a man who wants her life and partner that’s after her heart. With the intelligence of an experienced agent and cautious heart of a woman scorned, Gina hopes to dodge both.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000 word character-driven suspense novel with a touch of romance, set in New York City.

[John Oberon]

Does she or does she not know who's writing the threats? If she doesn't, then you can't use "he", because it might be a woman. You can't start the second sentence with "He" anyway because you're talking about Gina in the first sentence - really throws the reader off to transition from Gina to the letter writer so abruptly. I would ax sentence #3 in the second paragraph.

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hi John,
Thanks, Gina does not no who it is. I could either ax it or say WNM istead of he. I didn''t realize how that was coming off until to brought it to my attention.
As alway's your so helpful.
Thanks again,
Cheryl
John, will this work?


Years ago, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense, which caused an explosion, killing career criminal William Nicholas Mancuso. That's what she and fellow officers working the crime scene thought.

Now an FBI agent, Gina receives death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed WNM. When she learns WNM knows personal information about her, including a past sour romance that still stings like hell, so private and painful. Her anxiety elevates beyond the normal scope. Vulnerability: not an emotion she’s at all comfortable with.

The bureau assigns handsome, sharp, agent Joey Zicara as her partner. Now she’s caught between WNM who wants her life and a partner that’s after her heart. With the intelligence of an experienced agent and cautious heart as a woman scorned, Gina hopes to dodge both.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000 word character-driven suspense novel with a touch of romance, set in New York City.

[Simon Says]

Hi Cheryl,

I know you've worked this thing to death, but it's still not feeling alive for me. This is definitely a improvement from where you started, but it's still not where you need to be.

I think part of the problem is that you start with a hook that focuses on your backstory so we know Mancuso's after her before we know she's being threatened.

The trap you put her in - being caught between someone who wants to kill her and someone who wants to love her - is not really working for me. I mean really, she's as afraid of losing her heart as she is of losing her life?

Also you call it a suspense novel with a touch of romance, but the query makes it feel like it's a romantic suspense, as you focus on her pain from a past romance and then the romantic interest of Zicara. There's nothing wrong with it being a romantic suspense novel, but if it really isn't then you need to revise the query so we just feel a touch of romance and more of the character driven suspense aspects.

Good luck

[John Oberon]

I guess I envisioned Gina as kind of a tough, strong personality. Saying her anxiety elevates beyond the normal scope...to me, that means she's more or less anxious all the time, but REALLY anxious now, and maybe in need of some meds. I just don't picture her as anxious. I picture her as pissed off, lol. But if that's the way she is, then you have to at least fix the sentence starting "When she learns...". It's a fragment.

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hello Simon,
Yes, I have worked this to death and I'll continue to work it until I get it right. I was informed I couldn't label it romantic suspense if it doesn't have a happily for ever in it. It does have a touch of romance, but that's not what the stories based on. Now as for what occured in her personal life, she's human, and when a woman's badly scorned. It can be tough to let your defenses down. Not for all, of course, but for some, yes.
Thank you for your take on this. I'll have to re-think some of it.
As alway's I appreciate the help.
Thanks again, Cheryl

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hello John,
I laughed when I read what you wrote. Gina is tough, no doubt about it and she's angry as hell about WNM. So when I read this, I thought, damn. I need to fix that. Of course she has some emotions, but she doesn't need meds, not yet anyway. lShe might drive Joey to meds though, lol, She drives him crazy.
Thanks for making me see what I did. I'll work on that part of the query.
You're great, John, you really are. you have a fun personality, I love it.
Thanks again,
Cheryl

How's this, any better. Please tell me yes, my ms is dying to be put out there. lol

Years ago, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense, which caused an explosion, killing career criminal William Nicholas Mancuso. That's what she and fellow officers working the crime scene thought.

Now an FBI agent, Gina receives death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed WNM. When she learns this person knows personal information about her, including a past sour romance that still stings like hell, so private and painful. At first she’s vulnerable, an emotion she not comfortable with, but then becomes furious, she wants to pin WNM’s ass to a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ wall of nails.

The bureau assigns handsome, sharp, agent Joey Zicara as her partner. Now she’s caught between WNM who wants her life and a partner who's after her heart. With the intelligence of an experienced agent and cautious heart of a scorned woman, Gina hopes to dodge both.

[Miranda Clementine]

Hey Cheryl- have you tried writing it without the backstory being the hook, as Simon suggested? You have come a long way from your first version, and it is very much improved, it has voice, but I don't think I've seen you try it from a different angle. Who knows, you may come up with something unexpected.

Also, I wanted to ask you something about the query shark, but you can't receive PMs.

[Keith .]

Just one person's opinion, FWIW.

The sentence structure here is terrible. An opening sentence stuffed with commas indicates you overuse them throughout your manuscript. That may not be true but this letter is the agent's only window into your writing and that's what it's screaming.

When she learns this person knows personal information about her, including a past sour romance that still stings like hell, so private and painful.

Do you really want to include this in a project pitch to a publishing professional? There's nothing wrong with using frags to emphasize voice, but this comes off as just poor writing and I wonder if it was intended to be a fragment at all. I still think your story sounds intriguing, but in my honest opinion your samples here make me think you should work on the writing before spending so much time on a query. Again, just my opinion and God knows they vary. Good luck -

Keith

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hi Miranda,
Please tell me where to go in this site to allow private message so I can activate it, or you can contact me at my personal e-mail, Iadonisi@bellsouth.net
I'll try another angle.
Thank you very much,
Cheryl