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Thread: The Hidden

  1. #1
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    The Hidden

    A freckled face
    And out of place
    A sunburn incomplete

    Skinny form
    From a pattern torn
    He barely filled a seat

    Sullen eyes
    Reflect the cries
    Of comfort rarely found

    A quiet tone
    That was most at home
    When he was looking down

    Books were few
    The ones he knew
    Were scribbled down the sides

    He could read
    He saw no need
    He could doodle one inch wide

    There were those
    Whose ego chose
    To make the boy fit in

    Time went by
    And still they’d try
    A battle too big to win

    A tormented soul
    Took its toll
    His spirit finally free

    Just so much
    Was beyond our touch
    So deep the mystery

    Carved in stone
    And vaguely shown
    Your perception holds the key

    What you’ll find
    Was in his mind
    Now lines a gallery



  2. #2
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Why did you write this poem? I think it's about some tormented artist who never fit into society, who eventually kills himself or dies, and whose art is now famous and hangs in galleries. Is that right?

  3. #3
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    Thank You for your input, I really appreciate it

    I like the way you look for the inspiration for the work. That question is for me, a little hard to address. Most of my writing comes to me, for lack of a better cliche, out of the blue. I get a mental picture and the work evolves from that pretty quickly. I rarely spend more than 30 minutes, initially, on any piece. Though I never seem to completely be done with them. You nailed the concept of the poem perfectly.

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Alrighty...well, first, I think you have a knack for language, an ear for phrasing, and clarity of meaning. It's not easy to write a decent poem without punctuation; most can't. So kudos on all that.

    That said, I think the poem is pretty superficial and lacking in purpose. I read this poem and ask, “So?”

    There are several weak rhymes, as I’m sure you know. The rhythm and meter are hit and miss at best. I give it a C-.

    By the way, what kind of artist is this about? At first I thought one who creates paintings or drawings because he’s drawing in books, but then I saw “carved in stone” and “lines a gallery” and thought sculptor. If he were a painter his work would hang in a gallery, not line it. So which is it?

  5. #5
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    I will work on the rewrite keeping your suggestions in mind.
    The point of the work is to expose and understanding of "different" as perhaps better than average and a trait to be nurtured and admired.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    That's a pretty dull point, if you ask me. We're all unique, no two alike. We all think and act differently from one another. It is not trait to be nurtured and admired, but a fact to be observed. I think your point needs sharpening.

  7. #7
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    sharp points can be dangerous

    What makes a poem worth writing? Is there a defined standard of suject matter or as in most art, a level of catharsis that varies between readers. If you happen to be a person who can only express themselves cleary in an art form and has felt ostrasized as a result; this poem is magnificent. If not, it is pointless.

    If you are a person who can picture himself at a fork in the road on a snowy evening, then Robert Frost can speak to you. If you are a person who gets emotional over a snow cone, the snookie speaks to you. The point of any work is just a matter of view and interpretation and its impact is not a matter of measure, but more a matter of heart.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Robert Frost's poem is broad and deep. It applies to any person who makes a decision. Yours is narrow and shallow. It does not communicate anything to make the average person ponder. An artistic kid thinks differently and is ostracized. He's dead now, but hey, you can go see his art in a gallery. Again I say, "So?" You really can't think of anything a tad bit deeper to write about a situation like that? Really?

    I think a person who gets emotional over a snow cone is ill or stressed in some way to cause that abnormal reaction. I strongly disagree that the point of any work is just a matter of view and interpretation. If it were, then how is it that I "nailed the concept" of your poem perfectly? I'll tell you how - it's because you communicated it clearly, and just about any person on the planet would glean the same concept. To me, that's a huge plus for your poetry. Not many can do that. However, though your clarity is A+, your depth is D-. It is a shallow poem. I suppose if you were aiming for shallowness, then you hit a bullseye. I guess I'm just hoping you'd aim higher.

    Poetic impact is NOT more a matter of the heart, but of mind. Why do you suppose Frost's poem impacts so many? It's because people THINK about it. That's the lodestone of any good poem: THOUGHT. Feeling, emotion comes only as a by-product of thought. If a poem doesn't offer much to think about, it's not a very good poem, unless the goal is humor or entertainment.

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