I am currently working on a book and I was looking for some critiques for an excerpt from the Prologue of my Drama/Thriller "Save Me." I'm 16 years old and just restarted writing in book form (I was doing screenplays for some time). I hope to hear what you all think and if it kept you interested or if I created any suspense whatsoever. Also, I never had to write a real kissing scene and I know it needs work so any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I've never written in this genre before so I'm not expecting much.
TITLE: "Save Me"
ONE SENTENCE SYNOPSIS: "After twelve years, a serial killer resurfaces targeting individuals who deal with troubled pasts."
Okay, here's the first few paragraphs of the Prologue:
. It was a beautiful, picturesque scene. The stars lit up the clear sky, the crickets chirped their joyous tunes and the fireflies lit the sky like the popping ashes of a burning fire. The almost full moon was reflected off of the dark blue lake, its shape was distorted by the rippled water. There were many trees and bushes surrounding the lake, they swayed in the cool night breeze. The lake was surrounded by the early spring foliage, except for a small open hill that lead into the lake. It was semi-steep, but nevertheless there was a black Pontiac Sunfire parked on it; it belonged to Rodney Simmons.
. He and his new wife, Sidney, both sat in the front seat. The radio played a classic country tune softly while they held hands and looked out the front windshield at the fireflies as if they were performing for them. Rodney had short brown hair that was spiked back on his head and had dark but short eyebrows. He had a ski-slope type nose with a start of a mustache under it. He was skinny, but still had some muscle tone. He wore a red graphic T-shirt with boot cut blue jeans. Rachel had blonde hair and a straight nose. She wore a white blouse with a pink undershirt and she wore khaki Capri’s. She looked at Rodney and smiled at him, showing her straight white teeth. Her nose crinkled as she smiled and Rodney thought it was cute.
. “You are so beautiful,” he complimented with a charming smile.
He leaned in toward her and she toward him, their lips touched. Rodney wrapped his arms around her, pulling her nearer to him. She embraced his arms, their lips still pressed on one another. With a slight turn of her head, Sydney lightly nibbled on Rodney’s lower lip. Their kiss wasn’t one of pure passion, but of love. Rodney knew that Sydney was the one for her, and she knew the same. In Rodney’s mind, he would do anything for her.
. As the newlywed, twenty-something couple kissed, they remained unaware of the masked figure watching them in the darkness behind the bushes. Just feet away from them he stood in the night, blending in with his black hood, watching every move they made. He saw every single move they made, from every twist of the neck to every breath they took while they remained unaware of the horrible danger that was lurking upon them. They were defenseless against him and he knew this full well. He pulled his steel knife from his pocket in the hoodie and admired it to himself. It was sharp enough to cut through a deer’s bone and still be able to slice bread. The shiny, six inch blade reflected the thin, black eye holes of the empty white mask that he wore; they were the only obstruction on it. For a second he imagined the fear in their eyes before his succession over them, and then smiled behind his mask.
. Rodney slowly pulled away from Sydney, her hand still on his face. She slowly slid it back to herself and smiled at him. He smiled back to her; his brown eyes met with her wide, innocent hazel ones.
. “I love you so much,” he said as he brushed a strand of hair from her face. She shook her head to take care of the rest.
. Sydney smiled at him, “I know you do,” she assured as she put her hand on his cheek, looking at him as if he were the only thing to ever matter, “but I love you more,” she playfully teased.
. Rodney leaned in toward her and laid his hands on her face, slowly bringing her face toward his.
. “Then you’ll…just…have…to…prove it,” he said, dividing each word with a soft kiss. He pulled himself away, only a bit, and smiled, showing his teeth. Then he leaned back in, overpowering her in the seat. They pressed their lips against each other’s again and slowly sunk into the seat.
. The white masked figure began to slowly approach the car, his steps barely making a sound. He took another look at his knife, as if he were proud of it; then directed his attention to Sydney as she held onto Rodney’s neck and kissed around his face, full of passion. His steps were slow and well paced, he took his time. He allowed each black boot that he wore to fully press into the dirt, not worrying about a trail. Who could possibly catch him? The real question, who would dare to try?