Prologue of my Drama/Thriller

[gregSMT]

I am currently working on a book and I was looking for some critiques for an excerpt from the Prologue of my Drama/Thriller "Save Me." I'm 16 years old and just restarted writing in book form (I was doing screenplays for some time). I hope to hear what you all think and if it kept you interested or if I created any suspense whatsoever. Also, I never had to write a real kissing scene and I know it needs work so any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I've never written in this genre before so I'm not expecting much.

TITLE: "Save Me"
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ONE SENTENCE SYNOPSIS: "After twelve years, a serial killer resurfaces targeting individuals who deal with troubled pasts."

Okay, here's the first few paragraphs of the Prologue:


. It was a beautiful, picturesque scene. The stars lit up the clear sky, the crickets chirped their joyous tunes and the fireflies lit the sky like the popping ashes of a burning fire. The almost full moon was reflected off of the dark blue lake, its shape was distorted by the rippled water. There were many trees and bushes surrounding the lake, they swayed in the cool night breeze. The lake was surrounded by the early spring foliage, except for a small open hill that lead into the lake. It was semi-steep, but nevertheless there was a black Pontiac Sunfire parked on it; it belonged to Rodney Simmons.

. He and his new wife, Sidney, both sat in the front seat. The radio played a classic country tune softly while they held hands and looked out the front windshield at the fireflies as if they were performing for them. Rodney had short brown hair that was spiked back on his head and had dark but short eyebrows. He had a ski-slope type nose with a start of a mustache under it. He was skinny, but still had some muscle tone. He wore a red graphic T-shirt with boot cut blue jeans. Rachel had blonde hair and a straight nose. She wore a white blouse with a pink undershirt and she wore khaki Capri’s. She looked at Rodney and smiled at him, showing her straight white teeth. Her nose crinkled as she smiled and Rodney thought it was cute.

. “You are so beautiful,” he complimented with a charming smile.
.
He leaned in toward her and she toward him, their lips touched. Rodney wrapped his arms around her, pulling her nearer to him. She embraced his arms, their lips still pressed on one another. With a slight turn of her head, Sydney lightly nibbled on Rodney’s lower lip. Their kiss wasn’t one of pure passion, but of love. Rodney knew that Sydney was the one for her, and she knew the same. In Rodney’s mind, he would do anything for her.

. As the newlywed, twenty-something couple kissed, they remained unaware of the masked figure watching them in the darkness behind the bushes. Just feet away from them he stood in the night, blending in with his black hood, watching every move they made. He saw every single move they made, from every twist of the neck to every breath they took while they remained unaware of the horrible danger that was lurking upon them. They were defenseless against him and he knew this full well. He pulled his steel knife from his pocket in the hoodie and admired it to himself. It was sharp enough to cut through a deer’s bone and still be able to slice bread. The shiny, six inch blade reflected the thin, black eye holes of the empty white mask that he wore; they were the only obstruction on it. For a second he imagined the fear in their eyes before his succession over them, and then smiled behind his mask.

. Rodney slowly pulled away from Sydney, her hand still on his face. She slowly slid it back to herself and smiled at him. He smiled back to her; his brown eyes met with her wide, innocent hazel ones.

. “I love you so much,” he said as he brushed a strand of hair from her face. She shook her head to take care of the rest.

. Sydney smiled at him, “I know you do,” she assured as she put her hand on his cheek, looking at him as if he were the only thing to ever matter, “but I love you more,” she playfully teased.

. Rodney leaned in toward her and laid his hands on her face, slowly bringing her face toward his.

. “Then you’ll…just…have…to…prove it,” he said, dividing each word with a soft kiss. He pulled himself away, only a bit, and smiled, showing his teeth. Then he leaned back in, overpowering her in the seat. They pressed their lips against each other’s again and slowly sunk into the seat.

. The white masked figure began to slowly approach the car, his steps barely making a sound. He took another look at his knife, as if he were proud of it; then directed his attention to Sydney as she held onto Rodney’s neck and kissed around his face, full of passion. His steps were slow and well paced, he took his time. He allowed each black boot that he wore to fully press into the dirt, not worrying about a trail. Who could possibly catch him? The real question, who would dare to try?

[John Oberon]

OK. Yeah…sorry to say, but pretty awful. Clogged with unnecessary detail and redundancy. Riddled with weak verbs and poor word choice. Reads like stage direction.

Let me ask you something…a hot couple in a car getting it on with a psycho killer creeping up on them…do you really think clothing, facial features, marital status, even names or dialog are important in a situation like that?

Here’s a hint: NO.

There’s just two important things in this scene: sex and potential violence. Now try re-writing the scene in 300 words or less with that in mind.

[gregSMT]

@John,

Thanks for the honesty! I guess year of screenplays will have to take time to wear off. And After rereading these few paragraphs I see what you mean with excessive detail. I do have one question though: I added marital status and love because that is why the killer will choose them. I wish I could've added more, but there's just so much (probably because I have too much description). How should I convey love without boring the scene down?

Also, here's the methodology of the killer;

The killer targets people (as one would find out in the book) and tests their loyalty/ love by placing one of the two in a life threatening situation. In this case, the car is running and the killer tapes up the girl While the guy was out of the car, shifts the gears and lets the car roll into the lake with SAVE HER written in blood on the windshield. If the other person cannot save his/her friend or love, the killer will also kill them (with his knife) and pose them as if they were in a casket and places a small teddy bear in their arms with the left ear singed. His favorite "playgrounds" are water or fire.

Anyways, thanks for the opinion and hope to hear back!
-Greg

ALSO!!!! It would be okay if I left the description of their clothes for the reader to know? Because a few chapters into the book my MC finds "a young man with a red shirt and black shorts lying in a pool of his dry blood..." After that, she is considered a part of the town by the killer and so on.

[John Oberon]

Well, alrighty...fine. Isn't that information that should come out piecemeal later with some police detective saying something like, "The vics are Rodney and Sydney Simmons. Newlyweds. Friends say they were soulmates." etc.?

You don't convey love in a fast, taught scene like this. You convey sex, lust, desire. Love takes a lot longer to convey. I don't know if you've ever made out with a girl yet, but the last thing you're doing is showing each other your teeth. You're sucking face and groping the crap out of each other.

Why on earth would he write "SAVE HER" on the windshield in blood? Put aside the facts that the lake will wash it off and that the husband will never see it with the car under water...it would be next to impossible to see at night unless there were some hefty lighting. You might see it OK if the inside car lights were on...maybe. And whose blood is the psycho using?

[Lea Zalas]

Who could possibly catch him? The real question, who would dare to try?

Um gee, let me see . . . WHO would dare try? How about . . . the police, the sheriff's department, the victims' families? Don't ask silly questions that are easily answered.

Greg, I agree with John. You've used so much unneeded detail, it takes away from the suspense. Also, you're not good at conveying detail. Why would I care if she wore a white shirt, pink tank and then also wore khakis? No need to use 'wore' twice in one sentence. That tells me you're not good with sentence structure.

As to the killer approaching the car while directing his attention to Sydney as she held onto Rodney's neck? They're in the car, laying down in the seats. How is the killer supposed to see all of this? Answer: He can't. Not until he gets to the window and looks in. Also, his attention should be directed to the one person capable of thwarting his attack - the husband. He needs to incapacitate the man before he can direct his attention to the woman.

Here's a head's up: if you're going to write suspense/mystery stories, you have to pay the utmost attention to detail. Nothing will turn off the readers of this genre quicker than sloppy attention to details. They're VERY nit-picky.

Lea

[gregSMT]

Okay so I went through those paragraphs and the ones directly after it and so forth and I know that my sentence structure needs work, that why im here. And the point about the husband thwarting the attack--it's taken car of, this isn't the whole prologue or scene. The killer isn't targeting the girl because she's a girl (reader won't know this until later on) he's constructing a life/death scenario. He distracts the husband out of the running car, traps the wife in the car and shifts the car's gear to roll back into the lake. Rodney will be watching the car as it goes into the water. The light is on in the car, making "SAVE HER" visible, the blood is hers. The killer makes it practically impossible for her to be saved on purpose. All of his actions reflect on what happened to him when he was young, but in his case it was fire.

I see what you mean by not being able to see, i didn't catch that before. I should specify them rearranging their bodies to a more comfortable position.

Also, can someone help me with not mentioning the names of the two? Because there is some dialogue when Rodney is destracted to get out of the car because Sydney tells him to stay and hints that "all horror movies start like this" and he convinces her to allow him to go check the noise out. That is how the killer will trap her in the car and cause it to slowly sink into the water.

[gregSMT]

Also thanks for all the criticism I really do appreciate the cold hard truth! I've gone through twice now and I feel like I'm slowly improving

[Lea Zalas]

This is what it takes. Glad to know you're really wanting to learn. So many come here and say they want help, but when they're not told how great they are, they pout. And leave.

I know critique and criticism are hard to take. I had to practically rewrite the whole first chapter of my book after certain things were pointed out to me: tenses were all over the place, and some actions just didn't make sense. I had to come to a stop, re-look at everything, and then rewrite - everything. But I was very excited when I figured it out and finished my book. You'll get there.

[gregSMT]

@ Lea

Thanks and tht was a nice reminder of the way I'll feel when I eventually finish! Of course I can see why people would pout because criticism can be tough to deal with. My way of seeing this is: these people know what they are doing, I'm amateur, what do I know?

[The Tinman]

ALSO!!!! It would be okay if I left the description of their clothes for the reader to know? Because a few chapters into the book my MC finds "a young man with a red shirt and black shorts lying in a pool of his dry blood..." After that, she is considered a part of the town by the killer and so on.

Greg. If the plot makes it necessary for readers to remember clothing, at least make the clothing memorable and not generic. If it's the wife's clothing, something like: a t-shirt with her name, Sidney, and a dolphin airbrushed on the front. If it's the man: snakeskin boots, or an employee shirt with the company name [I]Flix Video[I] printed on the chest. You get the idea.

And if you haven't finished the entire story, don't worry about editing or revising too much yet. Some of the scenes you spend time sweating over will be deleted or changed by the time you reach the end.

Good Luck!!!