Tell me what you think. This children's book is along the lines of Seuss.

[Memory Morrows]

NANNA'S BIG BLACK PURSE

Nanna's big black purse
Holds all things in the universe,
She pulled out a rat being chased by a cat
Being chased by a dog wearing a hat.

Then out came a frying pan
And a silver gong,
Being held by a Chinaman
With hair that went to Hong Kong!

A wind chime and a kaleidoscope
Began to rise and float,
Spinning around and twirling
On a magic golden rope.

Shall I tell you about the ice cream cone
Running from the clown,
While the Monkey and the Chimpanzee
Were laughing on the merry-go-round?

Out came an Indian boy
Sitting on a Baboon,
Holding a musical tinker toy
Rising up in an air balloon,

Suddenly the pan got hot
Melting the ice cream sown,
The wind chime and the kaleidoscope
Turned upside down and hit the ground,

The Chinaman slipped on the golden rope
Landing on the gong,
And fell inside the kaleidoscope
With hair that went to Hong-Kong!!!

[anthony100880]

Are you influenced by Lewis Caroll as well? I don't know why, but your poem reminds me of him.

[Lyle Ven]

Very visual and the gags will definitely appeal to children. I guess the next step would be to make it stand out, as it does come off too Dr.Seuss or Lewis Carol (mentioned above).

Otherwise, it's great the way it is.

[Emily MacGowan]

Hi Memory,

I think this has a really good rhythm in it, but you need to stay on topic. Seuss's stories walk the very fine line between consistency and nonsense. In between the sing-song lines, he continually ties us back to the story at hand. I do not like green eggs and ham!

In this story, like all others, you need to have a beginning, middle and end. There is a beginning, you're telling us about a purse. The middle becomes funny nonsense, but the end doesn't feel like an end. It feels like a beginning. On top of which, the story is about a purse, but we only hear of the purse in the beginning. Children enjoy repetition, that's one of the reasons Seuss is so popular. You almost have to create a refrain to return to periodically after each paragraph - like "Oh, the things I have seen in that purse!"

And then the story should actually end. With reference to the purse, preferably. Otherwise it's just a list of funny-sounding things.

So your rhythm and word choice is great, but it still has to be a story. And you need to tie it back to the purse, like you would a song. Structure it with your lists, then a central, repeated tie to the purse.

Just my opinion. I've never written kid's stuff, but I was once a kid.