Query" Hunted

[Tobias Garrett]

Dear Agent,

Peter Gray thought life could not get any tougher until he and his wife and family were taken and locked away in debtors prison in 1705 London. Now he had a fight on his hands and it would take all his intelligence and strength to make things right.

He escapes prison with a little help from the proprietor himself, Mr. Jasper Slithe. An old family friend whom he himself owes a small fortune to the Gray family. Alone and hunted on the mean and poor city streets of London, Peter uses his ingenuity and sword skills to keep his foes at bay.

He has two goals; to keep Jasper paid so his wife and family can remain in prison and not be sent to the Australian penal colony – a death sentence to most. The other, to prove that the man who bankrupt his family, a Lord Banks, did so illegally and with criminal intent.

A lucky break at a betting club ensures the financial well being of his family, but the hounds are close and he has little choice but to leave London. He gains passage upon a ship of secret destinations. Once at sea and under the Captain's confidence, he finds they are off to recover buried treasure, of which every man will get a sizable share.

Peter's confidence is stabbed as he learns that one, if not several men aboard are under the employ of Lord Banks. Even on the high seas he finds he is hunted, but he knows not who. Peter only knows that the men he kills one by one have tried to kill him.

Hunted is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time,
Tobias

[Claire Young]

I have some comments - only my opinion - for your consideration. Just trying to help. This could be improved. Queries are hard to write!


Peter Gray thought life could not get any tougher until he and his wife and family were taken and locked away in debtors prison in 1705 London. You could simply say "locked." Now he had a fight on his hands and it would take all his intelligence and strength to make things right. Make things right is vague.

He escapes prison with a little help from the proprietor himself, Mr. Jasper Slithe. The proprietor himself? Proprietor seems like the wrong word; could just be me. And you don't need "Mr.". An old family friend whom he himself owes a small fortune to the Gray family. That sentence is incomplete and hard to understand. Alone and hunted on the mean and poor city streets of London, Peter uses his ingenuity and sword skills to keep his foes at bay.

He has two goals; to keep Jasper paid so his wife and family can remain in prison and not be sent to the Australian penal colony – a death sentence to most. The other, to prove that the man who bankrupt his family, a Lord Banks, did so illegally and with criminal intent. Do you need both descriptions at the end of this sentence? This sentence is incorrect and "a Lord Banks" sticks out.

A lucky break at a betting club ensures the financial well being of his family, but the hounds are close and he has little choice but to leave London. He gains passage upon a ship of secret destinations. He has no idea where he is going? Once at sea and under the Captain's confidence, he finds they are off to recover buried treasure, of which every man will get a sizable share.

Peter's confidence is stabbed stabbed? as he learns that one, if not several men aboard are under the employ of Lord Banks. There might be more than one. There might be fifty!Even on the high seas he finds he is hunted, but he knows not who. Another Huh? sentence.Peter only knows that the men he kills one by one have tried to kill him.

Hunted is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words. HUNTED - use CAPS.

Good luck with this!

[Tobias Garrett]

Thanks! Is this better?

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thought life can't get any tougher until he, and family are locked away in debtors' prison. His fathers business partner, Lord Banks, has unscrupulously laid a massive debt upon him in a rigged deal. Now he has a fight on his hands and it will take all his intelligence and strength to make things right.

He escapes prison with a little help from the proprietor himself, Mr. Jasper Slithe. Alone and hunted on the streets of London, Peter's senses become keener and he uses this in the betting houses to earn money. He uses his ingenuity and sword skills to keep his foes at bay. Often facing them in alleys, dark and deep, where he is so far, the only one to emerge.

He has two goals; keep Jasper paid so his wife and family can remain in prison and not be sent to the Australian penal colony. which is a death sentence to most, and to prove the man who bankrupt his family, a Lord Banks, did so illegally.

A lucky break at a betting club ensures the financial well-being of his family for at least a few years, but the hounds are close and he has little choice but to leave London. He gains passage on a ship with secret destinations. Once at sea and under the captain's confidence, he finds they are off to recover buried treasure, of which everyman will get a sizable share and he could pay off his family’s debt.

Peter's confidence is stabbed as he learns possibly several men aboard are under the employ of Lord Banks. Even on the high seas he finds he is hunted, but he knows not who. Peter only knows that the men he kills one by one have tried to kill him.

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

[John Oberon]

The main problems are unnecessary detail, weak or empty verbs, and poor sentence construction and organization. Read it cut by about 40%:

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thought life couldn't get any tougher…until authorities jail him and his family in debtors' prison because of a shady business deal engineered by Lord Banks. Peter plans to do whatever it takes to release his family from prison and prove Lord Banks a liar and a thief.

Alone and hunted after his prison escape, Peter hones his gambling skills in betting houses while fending off foes with his sword and ingenuity. His gambling luck ensures the financial well-being of his family for a few years, but the hounds are close and chase him from London.

He flees on a ship bound for a secret destination. At sea, the captain confides that he intends to recover buried treasure of which every man will receive a share - enough to pay off Peter's family debt. But Peter soon learns several men on board may be henchmen of Lord Banks.

It’s a ticklish game of cat and mouse on the high seas as Peter fences with unknown assailants and the machinations of Lord Banks. Only a quick sword and an agile mind can clear the way on his quest for justice.

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

[D K]

Tobias,

For me there's to much going on. You have a big list of stuff with no real story around it. Your pro does this, this, then that. There's no 'voice' and it's all telling and know showing, you need a good balance of this. Finally, it's not clear what your story is about, is it:

escaping from prison
staying in prison
proving their innocence
gaining financial well-being
escaping England to survive
finding treasure

As you can see it's all too much surrounded by a whole whack of vagueness. We don't even know why all this is happening.

Not only start over on the QL but go back to your MS because if what you have here is any indication of your writing (which it is) then your MS is riddled with this stuff too.

DK