Continuing an interesting opening

[Will Prendergast]

Thanks for all the feedback in my other thread guys. I've now written some more and thought you might like to see how the next couple pages played out. Hopefully I've managed to keep things interestin and avoided making too many mistakes. Let me know what you think

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It didn't really bother Jake that his new "friend" Adam wore nothing but a leaf over his privates, even if it did force him to avert his gaze. The guy was different; Jake could relate to that.

What really bothered him was the pulsing bruise on the back of his skull and the realization that he was probably hallucinating.

"Let me know if you can see it," Adam said.

"See what? You haven't even told..." Jake froze, his eyes glued to the scene that had materialized as they stepped around the corner.

The road was still there, running between the post office and the child play area, continuing down its normal course. But on the right hand side, just past the wonky slide and the rusty swing set, the usual row of Victorian houses with their neatly trimmed gardens had disappeared.

In their place a magnificent forest had sprung up. Lush trees bursting with colour bowed low under the weight of their bountiful fruit. A stream gurgled through the trunks, flowing out of the forest and then vanishing before it spilled onto the road.

“Yo kiddo,” Adam said, waving a hand in front of Jakes face. Jake didn’t respond; his face a tapestry of awe, confusion and shock as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing.

Maybe this guy isn’t so crazy, Jake grimaced as he swept his hand through his blonde hair, Or maybe I did just hit my head too hard.

“I’m guessing this means you see it right?” Adam asked.

“Yeah but who...I mean how did...What the heck is going on?” Jake finally managed to ask, his mind racing at a million miles an hour.

“Ha well I wish I knew buddy, but there’s something very strange about you?” Adam half smiled as he turned and examined Jake.

“Me!? Half the streets been replaced with a scene from ‘The Jungle Book’, you’re walking around with leaf pants and there’s something strange with me?” Jake said. He’d always been a bit different to other kids his age, but compared to this guy he was a poster child for normality. “And what the heck are those things meant to be? Giant smurfs?”

Two guys had just appeared on the road by the edge of the forest, except these guys where at least ten foot tall and ice blue from head to toe.

“Oh crap,” Adam said. “We’ve got to get you into the garden quick.”

Adam grabbed Jakes wrist and tugged him toward the forest. Jake hesitated.

“Come on,” Adam urged, eyes wide. Jake gave in, the fear on Adams face convincing him to move.

They crept forward. As they got closer, Jake got a better view of the blue giants, and the closer they came the less friendly they looked. Their features were sharp, their cold cruel eyes locked on each other as they spoke.

With every step closer the temperature seemed to drop. Another twenty five meters and they could slip into the forest unnoticed. Twenty meters, they could hear the gruff voices of the giants now. Fifteen meters. Jake didn’t see the giants look his way, but he felt it, their eyes piercing him like daggers of ice.

“Run!” Adam shouted. Jake didn’t need to be told twice.

They tore towards the tree line, though Jake wasn’t sure what protection the forest could possibly offer.

Ten meters from the trees and Jake realized it was hopeless, the giants may have been iceberg coloured, but there was nothing glacial about the speed at which they moved, their muscles rippling beneath their caveman style loincloths. He dived to the side as a football sized fist flew past him.

Jake landed hard on his side. He could hear Adam shouting something from somewhere behind him. Jake rolled over, just in time to see one of the giants bearing down on him. Another balled fist slammed down towards him.

Jake threw his hands up instinctively and braced for impact. For a split second he half believed he could block the blow.

A shudder knocked him backwards as the punch stopped abruptly just centimeters from his raised arms.

The confused look on the giants ugly face would have been funny if Jakes vision hadn’t began to swim whilst the giant examined his fist. He fell back, shivering in the cold as darkness crept into the edges of his eyes, feeling liked he’d ran a marathon.

A light flashed somewhere to the left. Jake struggled to turn his head to look. Through the cloud of black that was enveloping him, and the wisps of his own ragged breath, he saw the giant stagger backwards. An elderly man had stepped forward, seeming to radiate power at odds with his grey beard and arched back.

The old man stared down the giants and Jake was surprised to see that the giants seemed afraid.

Jake let his head fall back to the ground.

An owl wheeled through the sky above as he gave into unconsciousness for the second time that day.

[simba major]

It's intriguiing.

He's a kid? Doesn't feel like a kid.

[Will Prendergast]

Well intriguiing is good was what I was hoping for.

He's about 14, did he come across too grown up? Might have to find a way to change that.

Thanks for the feedback

[John Oberon]

I edited this, but you have a poor eye for detail, and that’s a very difficult problem to fix. Maybe I should just leave it the way you had it and comment on all the odd phrasing. That’s what I started to do in the red after I edited it. The odd phrasing ranges from comical to confusing, and it’s throughout the piece. I corrected a lot of it with my edit, but I left some of it in to show you. You also have a strange aversion to apostrophes.

It didn't really bother Jake that his new "friend" Adam wore nothing but a leaf over his privates, even if it did force him to avert his gaze. The guy was different; Jake could relate to that.

What really bothered him was the pulsing bruise on the back of his skull and the realization that he was probably hallucinating.

"Let me know if you can see it," Adam said.

"See what? You haven't even told..." Jake froze, his eyes glued to the scene that materialized as they rounded the corner.

The road still ran between the post office and the playground, but on the right side, just past the wonky slide and the rusty swing set, the usual row of Victorian houses with their neatly trimmed gardens disappeared. In their place a magnificent forest sprung up. Lush trees bursting with color bowed low under the weight of bountiful fruit. A stream gurgled through the trunks (What? The stream flows right through solid trunks?), flowed out of the forest, and then vanished before it spilled onto the road.

“Yo kiddo,” Adam said, waving a hand in front of Jake’s face, which was a tapestry of awe, confusion, and shock as he tried to comprehend the sight.

Maybe this guy isn’t so crazy, Jake grimaced as he swept his hand through his blonde hair. Maybe I just hit my head too hard.

“I’m guessing this means you see it, right?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, but who...I mean how did...What the heck is going on?”

“Ha! Well, I wish I knew, buddy…but there’s something very strange about you, isn’t there?” Adam half smiled as he turned and examined Jake. (Best I could do to make sense out of this sentence.)

“Me!? Half the street’s replaced with a scene from ‘The Jungle Book’, you’re walking around with leaf pants, and there’s something strange about me?” He’d always been a bit different than other kids his age, but compared to this guy, he was a poster child for normality.

“And what the heck are those things meant to be?” Jake pointed. “Giant smurfs?”

Two giants appeared on the road by the edge of the forest, at least ten feet tall and ice blue from head to toe. (Most people don’t think of ice as blue.)

“Oh crap,” Adam said. “We’ve got to get you into the garden quick.”

Adam grabbed Jake’s wrist and tugged him toward the forest. Jake hesitated.

“Come on.” The fear on Adam’s face convinced Jake to move.

They crept forward. The closer they came to the blue giants, the less friendly they looked. Their features were sharp, their cold, cruel eyes locked on each other as they spoke. (You mean as they spoke, their eyes crossed? Or the giants stared at each other as they spoke? Or what?)

With every step closer the temperature dropped. Another twenty-five meters, and they could slip into the forest unnoticed. Twenty meters, and they heard the gruff voices of the giants. At fifteen meters. Jake didn’t see the giants notice him, but he felt it; their eyes pierced him like daggers of ice.

“Run!” Adam shouted.

They ran towards the tree line, though Jake was unsure what protection the forest could possibly offer.

Ten meters from the trees, Jake realized it was hopeless. Though the giants were iceberg colored, (I know icebergs come in many colors, but by far, people think of them as white, not blue) there was nothing glacial about their speed. Their muscles rippled beneath their caveman style loincloths. (LOL…exactly what muscle ripples beneath a loincloth?) He dived to the side as a football-sized fist flew past him. (What…the giant detached his fist and threw it at him? "Football" makes it even funnier.)

Jake landed hard on his side. He heard Adam shout something from somewhere behind him. Jake rolled over, just in time to see one of the giants bearing down on him, swinging his fist down at him.

Jake raised his hands instinctively and braced for impact. For a split second, he half believed he could block the blow.

A shudder knocked him backwards as the punch stopped abruptly just centimeters from his raised arms. (A shudder did that? You mean the earth shuddered, or what?)

The confusion on the giant’s ugly face as he examined his fist might have spurred a laugh from Jake if his head hadn’t begun to swim. He fell back exhausted, shivering in the cold as darkness crept into the edges of his vision.

A light flashed somewhere to the left. Jake struggled to turn his head to look. Through the darkness enveloping him, and the wisps of his own ragged breath, he saw the giant stagger backwards. An elderly man stepped forward, radiating power at odds with his grey beard and hunched back. The old man stared down the giants, and surprisingly, the giants seemed afraid.

Jake let his head fall back to the ground.

An owl wheeled through the sky above as he gave into unconsciousness for the second time that day.

[Will Prendergast]

Thanks for the feedback. After reading it through with your points in mind I can see what you mean. I think because I know what I mean I skim over bits that might not make sense to others. I'll have to be very careful with the details in future, and maybe get a friend who knows writing to check it for me incase I slip up. I'm also considering rewriting it in first person as I've never tried that style before and I'm wondering if it might suit me more, will just have to try it and see I guess

[John Oberon]

Well, I can almost guarantee that you will "slip up". A person with a poor eye for details must work quite hard to cure their writing or, as you say, find someone with no such impediment to help. Look up posts from Lyle Ven; he has the same problem. VERY hard problem to fix yourself. It's like a blindness. Google "James Fennimore Cooper literary offenses" and you can read how Mark Twain obliterates him for the same difficulties. But by the same token, Cooper was a very successful and popular author despite his poor eye for detail, so let that be an encouragement to you.

That would be a rarity indeed if switching to first person improved your writing. Most people don't realize it's much more difficult to write a good story in first person. Yours is not the type of problem to be fixed in that way. Quite frankly, I've never hit on a cure or even a way to ameliorate the problem. It's almost like it's genetic.