New short horror story-VERY strong language and violence.

[The Tinman]

John. I know you're arguing with Cat here, but thanks. This post helped me.


I wasn’t too scared yet; if I hollered, my dad would come lickety-split. But my stomach was really churning to beat the band. That grilled cheese was like a roller coaster clanking up the big hill, right before the drop off. My barf muscles was starting to twitch.[/QUOTE]

[The Tinman]

I feel a little fogged as to what's going on. They went camping, his mom didn't make it back, and the hard case is stalking your MC? Why? What happened to his mom? I figure that you're into a slow reveal, but still it frustrates me - not in a good way - that I don't know a little more at this point.

Cat. I was thinking about what you said here. Is the bigger problem that you can't tell what is going on overall, or that you don't know what happened to his mom? It's an easy remedy to add a little more to the part where he says "But she didn't make it back." If you're in a fog about what is going on generally, then I have a problem lol.

[Tanya Bell]

I liked this, I thought it was good. It's appropriate to have the teaser in about the missing mother, that makes one wonder what happened on the camping trip, and want to read on. As to the criticisms

1) The question about accents puzzles me, as only the stranger is supposed to have a rural Southern accent, and he does!

2) Sitting at a diner counter in front of the cake display case paints a very clear visual picture for me.

3) If the grilled cheese is awful then I'd say everything in the diner is as well, it's just that kind of a place. So it's in no way odd that the boy orders the grilled cheese. It may well be the best choice.

I found the narrative clear and perfectly understandable. Not "foggy" at all. Well done, Tinman.

[simba major]

T,

Withholding information that your POV character knows solely to tease tge reader is my pet peeve. If I sense that I put tge book down.

Answers to your questions later.

[The Tinman]

Thank you Tanya.

I think everyone who critiques on here probably represents about 10% of the reading public, so if even one person on here is struggling to understand, or just doesn't like the way something was written, I need to figure out what the exact problem is and do as much as I can to correct it.

Thanks again.

[The Tinman]

Withholding information that your POV character knows solely to tease tge reader is my pet peeve. If I sense that I put tge book down.

Cat. Thanks. Actually, in the case of the mother, the narrator isn't holding back information, he just didn't tell the whole story at that point, but I understand where you're coming from and I should probably clarify, something like: "except for his mom who was killed on the trip".

Please answer the other questions later. I'd appreciate it. I was really struggling with narrating like a 14-year-old. At one point later in the story, he uses the word "oblivion". I know I'm going to have to change that, but the word fit so well lol.

[Tanya Bell]

Thank you Tanya.

I think everyone who critiques on here probably represents about 10% of the reading public, so if even one person on here is struggling to understand, or just doesn't like the way something was written, I need to figure out what the exact problem is and do as much as I can to correct it.

Thanks again.

We can't please all of the people, all of the time. If we try we'd be changing part of our story for one group and then changing it back again for another. :-) For myself, I think the allusion to the mother is fine as it is. If you add the bit about her dying on the trip, it will strip a lot of the intrigue and mystery away. Also, fourteen year olds can have quite a sophisticated vocabulary, especially if they read a lot. If you add that your character loves books -- and may even aspire to being a writer -- then you'd have more leeway when it comes to what words are appropriate for him to use. A word like "oblivion" is not out-of-line at all. You don't want the narrative to become stilted and monosyllabic.

[The Tinman]

We can't please all of the people, all of the time. If we try we'd be changing part of our story for one group and then changing it back again for another. :-) For myself, I think the allusion to the mother is fine as it is. If you add the bit about her dying on the trip, it will strip a lot of the intrigue and mystery away. Also, fourteen year olds can have quite a sophisticated vocabulary, especially if they read a lot. If you add that your character loves books -- and may even aspire to being a writer -- then you'd have more leeway when it comes to what words are appropriate for him to use. A word like "oblivion" is not out-of-line at all. You don't want the narrative to become stilted and monosyllabic.

I agree you can't please everyone (and shouldn't try lol) and maybe you shouldn't change something because of only one or two comments, I just meant that when someone points out a problem (even if it's only a problem for them), you should take a closer look and try to clarify it.

Yes, some teens are very bright. The young teens in my family would have had no problem using the word 'oblivion'. I just have to watch the wording closely; I don't want to load up his vocabulary. He's just a regular, bright 14-year-old. Thanks for the ideas and encouragement.

[Claire Young]

Go with Tanya's advice. Just look how pretty she is! John offered good advice too! This hit the mark with me! Your writing needs no improvement whatsoever!

I'm patting myself on the back for this post. Oh, I meant to use an exclamation point! Good luck!!!!!!

[The Tinman]

This hit the mark with me! Your writing needs no improvement whatsoever!

Claire. Thank you. That's very generous of you, considering I can't seem to write one sentence without needing to re-write it lol. I read somewhere that a writer needs to write 1,000,000 words to develop his style and learn the craft. I hope it doesn't take me quite that long, but by my reckoning, I still need to write about 500,000 words. Well, about 499,975 now lol.