Writing an interesting opening

[Will Prendergast]

I've started reading Sol Steins On Writing as advised by several people on this forum. So I've been trying to take his advise on making the opening interesting. Please let me know what you think.

-----------------------------------------------------

It didn't really bother Jake that his new 'friend' was wearing nothing but a leaf over his privates, even if it did force him to avert his gaze. The guy was different, Jake could relate to that.

What really bothered him was the pulsing bruise on the back of his skull and the fact that he was probably imagining the whole thing.

"See it yet?" Adam the foliage underwear man asked.

"See what? You haven't even told..." Jake froze, eyes glued to the scene that had just appeared before him.

[John Oberon]

I've started reading Sol Steins On Writing as advised by several people on this forum. So I've been trying to take his advise on making the opening interesting. Please let me know what you think.

-----------------------------------------------------

It didn't really bother Jake that his new 'friend' was wearing nothing but a leaf over his privates, even if it did force him to avert his gaze. The guy was different, Jake could relate to that.

What really bothered him was the pulsing bruise on the back of his skull and the fact that he was probably imagining the whole thing.

"See it yet?" Adam the foliage underwear man asked.

"See what? You haven't even told..." Jake froze, eyes glued to the scene that had just appeared before him.

You should name Adam sooner instead of later. You use weak or empty verbs. If Jake is injured, I think "hallucinating" is a better word than "imagining". So something like this:

It didn't really bother Jake that his new "friend" Adam wore nothing but a leaf over his privates, even if it did force him to avert his gaze. The guy was different; Jake could relate to that.

What really bothered him was the pulsing bruise on the back of his skull and the realization that he was probably hallucinating.

"See it yet?" Adam asked.

"See what? You haven't even told..." Jake froze, his eyes glued to the scene that just materialized before him.

[Will Prendergast]

Thanks for the feed back, the things you changed were things that I wasn't sure about myself, I just wasn't sure of the right words to use, but the ones you've suggested fit well

As a whole if that was the opening to a book would it interest you enough to want to keep reading? It says in 'On Writing' that its a good idea to try and characterize your main character, and introduce a conflict in the first few lines, so that's what I was aiming for.

(I probably should have mentioned that its a fantasy/adventure genre story)

[John Oberon]

Sure. I want to know what happens next.

[Lyle Ven]

John's changes are right on the mark. And I definitely want to read on; my mind is racing why Adam (obviously from the book of Genesis) is doing in the present.

BTW, are the two of them in a car driven by the MC, 'cuz Im visualizing that for some reason.

[Will Prendergast]

John's changes are right on the mark. And I definitely want to read on; my mind is racing why Adam (obviously from the book of Genesis) is doing in the present.

BTW, are the two of them in a car driven by the MC, 'cuz Im visualizing that for some reason.

Nah they're walking down the street but that'll probably become clear in the next couple of sentences.

Cheers for the feedback guys, really appreciate it. I'll try and get a longer section posted when I've written more, which will hopefully be over this weekend.

[roguerhymer]

Sure. I want to know what happens next.

I agree w/ John. Me too.

Also thanks for mentioning the genre. I was curious when I'd read your initial post.