The Declaration of Unity--Chapter One: 1,200-words, spec-fic/contemporary fantasy

[Adam Bentley]

I don't get it.

At all.

Probably a combination of vague writing and subject matter to which you can't relate. I can't say for sure with so little to go on.

I feel the writing overall is tight. Maybe too tight. Spartan.

Back to the drawing board. Thanks for reading, though.

Adam

[simba major]

Probably a combination of vague writing and subject matter to which you can't relate. I can't say for sure with so little to go on.

I feel the writing overall is tight. Maybe too tight. Spartan.

Back to the drawing board. Thanks for reading, though.

Adam

I mean on a story level. Two presidential candidates ready to debate communicating telepathically before one shoots the other in the head then teleports away . . .

Really?

[Adam Bentley]

I mean on a story level. Two presidential candidates ready to debate communicating telepathically before one shoots the other in the head then teleports away . . .

Really?

Yeah, really. Speculative? Fantasy? Not for everyone, for sure.

Adam

[John Oberon]

Yeah, really. Speculative? Fantasy? Not for everyone, for sure.

Adam

Well, it sounds interesting. I disagree with you that your writing is tight. The dialog is not bad, but your narration...THAT'S where your trouble lives. You might want to switch to third person.

I know it's difficult to see while you're writing, but any time you see a list, try to replace it with one good sentence with one strong verb that says exactly what you want to say. I could cut this piece by about 20% without any trouble or loss of meaning.

[simba major]

Yeah, really. Speculative? Fantasy? Not for everyone, for sure.

Adam

Yes, I understand the concept of speculative fantasy, but as a reader, I have no idea what the story is about, why anything is happening, what anyone wants, what the stakes are . . .

It's not a genre problem; it's weak storytelling.

[Adam Bentley]

Fair enough, guys. I do appreciate the feedback and apologize if I've come across otherwise.

Adam

[Kitty Foyle]

At first I thought it was a political satire...this being an election year 'n all.

A good movie, IMO: http://www.idesofmarch-movie.com/site/

*_*

[Dragon]

Hey Adam, you've gotten some decent feedback (albeit a shade acerbic in approach from a few members) but I hope you continue to keep working on your story.

[simba major]

Hey Adam, you've gotten some decent feedback (albeit a shade acerbic in approach from a few members) but I hope you continue to keep working on your story.

If you're referring to my comments, they are not a personal attack. I was identifying a weakness that I feel needs to be addressed if he wants the writing to be stronger.

[Dragon]

If you're referring to my comments, they are not a personal attack. I was identifying a weakness that I feel needs to be addressed if he wants the writing to be stronger.

Yes, I was referring to your comments. While it is fine to be direct, you could lighten your tone a bit. We would like new writers to stick around, learn and contribute.