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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2010

    1st Page Che Che Poing

    Che Che Poing
    Chapter 1
    Her family tree was a stump

    Morpra was said to be half wolverine and half billy-goat with a spit of witch. Her looks and smell matched two of the three. Her sex drive had killed six men to date and wounded scores of others. Her muscles down below had the crushing force of a Komoto Dragon bite. With all these qualities, it was surprising she was burdened with the character of a vulture.

    An unexpected contrast was her daughter, Che Che, a rare blond, teen beauty in a land of dark beings. Smarter than a raven and more mannerly than a frog, she could outrun a beaver and jump higher than a rhinoceros. She had eyes keener than a gerbil and ears that could tell the difference between the mating call of Woby Bird and a snake.

    Che was the only living offspring of the Shaman Morpra and either the troll Poz or the midget Maynard. Few knew but all suspected that there were a score of other possibilities. Some say it was an evil combination of all. Semen fighting and all winning, for a child like her had not been seen since the Great Rah of Bah was born. He was half pigmy and half dwarf with the character of a hyena.

    They lived in a village by the Beartoes Divide where the real world met the insane. Those on each side claiming to be the one they were not.

    Poing was a name she had given herself as no one used last names anymore. One, there were not enough people around and two, very few were proud of their family tree. Poing was the sound she loved. She heard it when she was in the caves that lined the rift down below her village. It was the sound of Woby guano falling into the cave ponds. For some reason the sound gave her a sense of comfort.

    It was a mixed up world of the haves and have nots, the who is and who is not, and the living and the not sure. There were battles a plenty. Feuds, fights, ambushes, back stabbing and worst of all mixed wrestling.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Southern Georgia
    It's a lot of information thrown at the reader at once. Does it all have to be dumped on the reader at once? Can it be worked in through the story? Because written as it is, no one can get close to your characters.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    It is one long list.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    There's some clever stuff here (you do have an imagination), but absent an emerging story line, it tires quickly.

  5. #5
    simba major
    Plot! We need plot!

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Humor is almost always grounded in the unexpected. A punchline is funny because it's different than what we anticipated. You use this technique repeatedly. For example, saying that Che Che had keener eyesight than a gerbil is humorous because we didn't expect the analogy to be gerbil rather than owl or some other far seeing creature.

    However, this is your only technique. This becomes a list of funny sounding places and funny sounding analogies, but there's no story here. Begin your story with an event. Give us some action before you go into exposition. in addition, this long list of traits could be better presented through action rather than explanation. A story is like a play that the reader is watching. If this really was a play would you have the narrator stand up and read this long list of traits before the play began or would you show us the personality of the character through their actions and their priorities. Figure out a way to present some of these traits by what your characters do rather than what you say about them.

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