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  1. #11
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    But that was only chance; Alec had seduced the young woman.

    I still don't get why this sentence is necessary or how it works with the rest of the paragraph. The two sections of the paragraph don't seem to fit together.

    Sorry. Maybe it's just me.



  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Book Werm View Post
    I think this might work:

    The young woman who wrote the letter was employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia. As it turned out, a strapping eight pound boy had been born about six months after Alec could possibly have fathered her child. Eventually, the woman's unemployed boyfriend, admitted he was the father. But that was only chance; Alec had seduced the young woman.
    No. It has the same problems as the original. Whose baby? (it could be either the young woman's or Dolly's daughter.) Who is "her"? (ditto) What was only chance, and what is that supposed to mean anyway? What young woman has Alec seduced? (it could be either the young woman or Dolly's daughter or someone else altogether, for that matter). You haven't improved/clarified anything.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    I'm no pro, but here is my opinion anyway. Take it or leave it.

    I think I get what you are trying to say here, even though you are trying to say it without saying it outright. I'm still learning and I've come to realize that I do this a lot too. Just say what you mean. Don't beat the reader over the head with it but (another cliché coming) don't beat around the bush either. Also your sentences are a bit passive. Keep your subject at the beginning of the sentence and choose your subjects wisely. Like in your second sentence "a strapping eight..." shouldn't be the subject (JMO), either Alec or the mother should be. Same thing in the third sentence, I don't think the unemployed boyfriend is an important character, so don't make him the subject. You've told us in your post that Alec is the focus character, and to me the woman is the other main focus because she is affecting Alec. Base your overall sentence structure with them in mind. Whew, that was a lot to say about one little paragraph but I hope I made sense.

    Now, with all that said, I usually don't give advice without showing what I mean so here is my small take on what I think you were trying to convey. I don't know what the girl did in Colombia so of course change "housekeeper" to whatever her title was.

    The author of the letter was a housekeeper employed by Dolly's daughter. As it turned out (although, I think you need to come up with something other than "as it turned out" but it works), six months after Alec visit to the Manor (or wherever she worked) ended, the young woman gave birth to an eight pound boy. She claimed her unemployed boyfriend fathered the child, but it wasn't likely. Alec had seduced her during his stay in Colombia.

    HTH and happy writing!!
    Last edited by Miranda Clementine; 03-21-2012 at 12:39 AM.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

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