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  1. #1
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    Wink Is this paragraph clear and well written?

    I think the situation is clear. A woman found a letter to her husband and months later this is the outcome.

    The young woman who had written the letter Dolly found was still employed by her daughter in Colombia. As it turned out, she gave birth to a strapping, ten pound boy about six month’s after any possible period Alec could have fathered her child. Finally, she admitted that her unemployed boyfriend was the baby’s father. But that was only chance; Alec had seduced the young woman.



  2. #2
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    Sorry, but to me, it is anything but clear. It's actually pretty confusing.

    The young woman who had written the letter Dolly found was still employed by her daughter in Colombia.

    Employed by whose daughter? The young woman's daugher? Dolly's daughter?

    As it turned out, she gave birth to a strapping, ten pound boy

    Who gave birth?

    about six month’s

    There's no apostrophe in "months."

    after any possible period Alec could have fathered her child.

    Whose child?

    Finally, she admitted that her unemployed boyfriend was the baby’s father.

    Say what?

    But that was only chance; Alec had seduced the young woman.

    Meaning Alec could have been the father?
    Last edited by leslee; 03-20-2012 at 09:58 AM.

  3. #3
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    No, it's awkward and jerky and unclear at best, even after an edit for missing and misplaced punctuation. I'd start from scratch.

  4. #4
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    I am having trouble summarizing this.

    So sentence by sentence, can I use Dolly's name twice in one sentence?
    The young woman who had written the letter Dolly found was still employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia.

    (Employed by whose daughter? The young woman's daugher? Dolly's daughter? Does that take care of first sentence?

  5. #5
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    I think part of it is that you introduce three female characters in the first sentence, and then continue on without specifying which one you are talking about. Also, the last bit: 'Alec had seduced the young woman' seems unnecessary to me. That is pretty much implied in the previous sentences. At least that's how I see it.

    Overall it is pretty unclear.

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Book Werm View Post
    I am having trouble summarizing this.

    So sentence by sentence, can I use Dolly's name twice in one sentence?
    The young woman who had written the letter Dolly found was still employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia.

    (Employed by whose daughter? The young woman's daugher? Dolly's daughter? Does that take care of first sentence?
    Here's what I THINK you're trying to say:

    The young woman who wrote the letter was still employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia. As it turned out, she gave birth to a son about six months before her involvement with Alec, and eventually admitted her unemployed boyfriend was the father. But that was only chance; Alec seduced the young woman.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 03-20-2012 at 01:04 PM.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Here's what I THINK you're trying to say:

    The young woman who wrote the letter was still employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia. As it turned out, she gave birth to a son about six months before her involvement with Alec, and eventually admitted her unemployed boyfriend was the father. But that was only chance; Alec seduced the young woman.
    Perhaps that's what it's trying to say. But, even then, it doesn't make any sense. The last sentence doesn't make any sentence flowing out of the preceding sentences. (Also, who is the antecedent of the "she" in sentence two? That's not clear even in the rewrite.) It just needs to be completely deconstructed and written from the start again.

  8. #8
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    I'm with Gary (incredible). It still doesn't read right.

    Book Werm will get it straightened out.

    BW, if you can try to look at it from the perspective of someone who has never seen your story, it'll be easier.

    There's a reason your paragraph isn't working for any of us. You know the details, we don't.
    Last edited by leslee; 03-20-2012 at 02:52 PM.

  9. #9
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    I think this might work:

    The young woman who wrote the letter was employed by Dolly's daughter in Colombia. As it turned out, a strapping eight pound boy had been born about six months after Alec could possibly have fathered her child. Eventually, the woman's unemployed boyfriend, admitted he was the father. But that was only chance; Alec had seduced the young woman.

  10. #10
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    Explanation

    This is just a minor sub plot in the story. Alec is the narrator's brother. Dolly is her beloved sister-in-law who found the letter written to her husband. The narrator's whole family is hoping Dolly will forgive Alec, although they know what a terrible thing he did.

    The narrator is becoming disillusioned with the man she married. But her fun-loving brother Alec, the philanderer, serves as a character foil for her dour husband.

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