Hi everyone, it's been a while since I attempted my query again for THE FINAL CLUE

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Between taking care of my father and work, I haven't had much time to play with my query. My father is doing a little better right now, thank God, so I took a little time to work on it again. As alway's I appreciate your critiques. Hope you all are doing well. Here it goes and thanks again.

Dear Agent,

Intelligent, tenacious and when backed up against a wall, she’s lethal. Meet FBI agent, Gina Russo. She’s a woman of virtue and stature, a real beauty, but also a woman who was badly scorned. Now she trusts no one, especially men.

The bureau assigns the egotistical, take control kind of guy Joey Zicara, to assist Gina when her life is threatened by a man she doesn’t know and who is flooding her with rhyming poems. Joey wonders what the hell he ever did that karma would bite him in the ass. Frustrated; dealing with her is more than he ever signed on for.

It’s imperative that she learns the man’s identity to bring his ass down for not only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.

Gina and Joey scramble to find the clues within the poems in order to unravel the mystery behind the rhymester’s twisted vendetta against her, before time runs out.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word, character-driven suspense novel set in New York City.

[leslee]

I'm glad to see you back, Cheryl, and happy to hear your dad is doing better.

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

Intelligent, tenacious and when backed up against a wall, she’s lethal. Meet FBI agent, Gina Russo. She’s a woman of virtue and stature, a real beauty, but also a woman who was badly scorned. Now she trusts no one, especially men.

Honey, you know this isn't a hook. It's a summary and a list. You don't start out by telling the agent your protagonist is intelligent, tenacious, lethal, virtuous, beautiful, scorned and mistrustful. Telling isn't showing. it's lazy writing, and if I were an agent, I wouldn't read the rest.

The only part worth considering keeping in that first paragraph is, "Meet FBI agent, Gina Russo."

Take a breath. Look at your previous drafts and comments. Start again, remembering to stay close to the center of your storyline and not to substitute lists for writing style.

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hello Leslee,
Thank you for welcoming me back. I thought I would try a whole new angle, but apparently I went about it the wrong way. I thank you for alway's telling me like it is. I will take a deep breath and when I find the time, I'll work on it again.
Sincerely,
Cheryl

[leslee]

Hi Cheryl -

I wish I could tell you I like the "new angle." But I think if you go back and look at the previous drafts, you'll get back on track. You were getting closer to what you want.

Nothing's more important that caring for your dad. You can be proud that you've put his needs first. The query letter is always there whenever you get time for it.

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Good morning Leslee,

Thank you for your honesty and support. I got up extra early this morning and worked on another one being I had to toss that one out the window. lol. Here it goes, if you find the time, please let me know if I'm back on track.
Thanks again.

Dear Agent,

Several years ago when FBI agent Gina Russo was a police officer; she fired back a shot in her defense. An explosion erupted, and a man was blown to smithereens. Unfortunately, for her, she presumed the wrong man dead.

When Gina’ life is threatened and bizarre poems containing hidden clues that could lead to the man’s potential next move, floods her mail box. The bureau assigns agent Joey Zicara, who's accustomed to taking charge as her partner. He wonders what he did in life that karma would bite him in the ass after dealing with her for one day.

Gina's overwhelmed that the man, she knows absolutely nothing about, knows of the heartbreak she can’t get seem to get past. Her ex- fiancé abandoned her for another woman one month before her wedding. Making this so personal ignites a fire inside her like never before to learn the twisted bastard's identity in order to bring his ass down. Not for only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey, who she’s desperately trying to protect her heart from, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word character driven suspense novel set in New York City.

[Gary Kessler]

Just a few editorial notes. The only comment on the content is that it's a description of background--the book setup--not of the the action of the book.

Dear Agent,

Several years ago when FBI agent Gina Russo was a police officer; [comma, not semicolon] she fired back a shot in her defense"self-defense" rather than "her defense". An explosion erupted, and a man was blown to smithereens. Unfortunately, [drop comma] for her, she presumed the wrong man dead.

When Gina’Gina's life is threatened and bizarre poems containing hidden clues that could lead to the man’s potential next move,drop comma floods her mail box.comma here, not period. Sentence fragment. But when a proper sentence is made, it's too long.] The bureau assigns agent Joey Zicara, who's accustomed to taking charge as her partner. He wonders what he did in life that karma wouldchange "that karma would" to "to make" bite him in the ass after dealing with her for one day["after dealing with her one day would be better on the front of the sentence].

Gina's[Better "Gina is." Original creates confusion that it's a possessive] overwhelmed that the man[What man? hazy sentence],[drop comma] she knows absolutely nothing about,[drop comma] knows of the heartbreak she can’t get seem to get past. Her ex- no character space]fiancé abandoned her for another woman one month before her wedding. Making this so personal ignites a fire inside her like never before to learn the twisted bastard's identity in order to bring his ass down. Not for"for" misplaced. It should be in front of "threatening" only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey, who she’s desperately trying to protect her heart from, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.Not sure that you couldn't have done better than a sentence fragment here.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word character driven suspense novel set in New York City.

[John Oberon]

Good morning Leslee,

Thank you for your honesty and support. I got up extra early this morning and worked on another one being I had to toss that one out the window. lol. Here it goes, if you find the time, please let me know if I'm back on track.
Thanks again.

Dear Agent,

Several years ago when FBI agent Gina Russo was a police officer; she fired back a shot in her defense. An explosion erupted, and a man was blown to smithereens. Unfortunately, for her, she presumed the wrong man dead.

When Gina’ life is threatened and bizarre poems containing hidden clues that could lead to the man’s potential next move, floods her mail box. The bureau assigns agent Joey Zicara, who's accustomed to taking charge as her partner. He wonders what he did in life that karma would bite him in the ass after dealing with her for one day.

Gina's overwhelmed that the man, she knows absolutely nothing about, knows of the heartbreak she can’t get seem to get past. Her ex- fiancé abandoned her for another woman one month before her wedding. Making this so personal ignites a fire inside her like never before to learn the twisted bastard's identity in order to bring his ass down. Not for only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey, who she’s desperately trying to protect her heart from, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word character driven suspense novel set in New York City.

I'd cut it way down. Something like this:

Several years ago, police officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense. It caused an explosion that killed a man. Unfortunately, she presumed the wrong man died.

Now as an FBI agent, a man mails Gina death threats and bizarre poems containing hidden clues about his potential next moves. The man knows personal information about her, even about a past sour romance that still hurts, and she doesn’t like it…not one bit.

The bureau assigns strong, tough-minded agent Joey Zicara as her partner. Now she’s in the crosshairs of a stranger who wants her life, and a partner who wants her heart. With the moxie of an experienced agent and the cautious heart of a woman scorned, she hopes to dodge both. But will she?

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word character driven suspense novel set in New York City.

[Gary Kessler]

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word character driven suspense novel set in New York City.

Opps, missed this one: character-driven (add hyphen).

[Cheryl Iadonisi]

Hello Gary and John,
Thank you so much, I realized after I copy and pasted some of the mistakes I made. That's what I get for doing it in the wee hours of the morning. I appreciate you both being so helpful. I will take your advice and fix what I need to and then hopefully I'll be on the right track. Thanks again.
Sincerely,
Cheryl

[Claire Young]

I was away in TN for a while and was glad to see you here after I got back home. Also glad your father is better. I hope he continues to improve.

I offered an opinion months ago. It didn't take off but, hey, I tried. Do go back and look at earlier versions.

You know I like agent Gina Russo. I'm rooting for you. You CAN do this. Good luck!