thoughts on unconventional narrative style?

[simba major]

Dialogue is full of frags. Narration, not so much, but they're hardly a mortal sin. Rapid POV shifts within a scene are another matter.

[Herman Munster]

Short answer, NO!
I find I am inserting the words you have missed out. Then there are other sentences I don't understand.
'Bar keep is dutifully trailing right behind, on his end of the bar,'
'Too tired to discipline him. '


Miller
Bar keep
Fritz possibly Miller
I, who the hell is 'I'?
Brad

I can relate to the bar keep as I have known them for years but the rest are just a hodge podge of names. The 'I' bothered me the most.
This maybe a style that has been used and some readers may like it, but I can only speak for me and that is a big NO!

[Lea Zalas]

Sorry, I read it wrong. That's what happens when I read and answer in a hurry. Sorry.

This dialogue: Yes my day has been fine. Yours has too? Great. Just great. Oh sure, a little slow lately, but it should pick up again in another month or two. Ahh yes. Agree completely.

You can put the "s around each line of dialogue as normal, and it will still read as fragments. Unless you're writing this as if someone were observing the dialogue without really paying attention.

[relco]

Important dialogue will be presented in the typical fashion, but I use those brief fragments to show the main character's internal thoughts. Kind of like how you might process a conversation if you are only half paying attention. Here is another excerpt that might give you a better idea:


“Where did you go to school?”

“Florida State. You?”

“Brown.”

An innocent white lie. Make her think I’m from old money. Of course I’m better than you.

Bending over the icebox to retrieve bottles of beer. Taking more time than required to obtain the Bud Light, which I know from experience are right on top. Thank you. Marvelous figure. Reminds me of the girl whose name I cannot speak, nor can I ever forget.

The hands of the clock continue to spin, and I continue to tap the bar. She continues to laugh and smile. And I continue to drink. Another Guinness is handed over and I thank her. Her bright blue eyes say no problem.

I stand to leave, clutching the bar briefly to stabilize myself, and bid Lauren farewell. Yes I will call you. Soon. Bye. A nod to the military men. Mind your manners. And I exit into the chill evening air, buttoning my field coat loosely across my chest.

[John Oberon]

Important dialogue will be presented in the typical fashion, but I use those brief fragments to show the main character's internal thoughts. Kind of like how you might process a conversation if you are only half paying attention. Here is another excerpt that might give you a better idea:

“Where did you go to school?”

“Florida State. You?”

“Brown.”

An innocent white lie. Make her think I’m from old money. Of course I’m better than you.

Bending over the icebox to retrieve bottles of beer. Taking more time than required to obtain the Bud Light, which I know from experience are right on top. Thank you. Marvelous figure. Reminds me of the girl whose name I cannot speak, nor can I ever forget.

The hands of the clock continue to spin, and I continue to tap the bar. She continues to laugh and smile. And I continue to drink. Another Guinness is handed over and I thank her. Her bright blue eyes say no problem.

I stand to leave, clutching the bar briefly to stabilize myself, and bid Lauren farewell. Yes I will call you. Soon. Bye. A nod to the military men. Mind your manners. And I exit into the chill evening air, buttoning my field coat loosely across my chest.

You're trying to combine third person omniscience with first person narrative, which I think is interesting. However, I think this is pretty annoying to read. There is no person who thinks like this, who mentally analyzes and comments on their every little action. It would take a pathologically narcissistic person, and I think much more than what you posted would be unbearable to read.

I doubt you're a good enough writer to pull this off, if it CAN be pulled off. If I were trying to do it, I think there'd be quite a bit more dialog and more of what he sees externally to try to tone down the narcissism, but the more you do that, the more it becomes just plain first person.

Interesting, but it's a no-go for me.

[jayce]

You're trying to combine third person omniscience with first person narrative,

Reads like first-person to me. And your doubting that relco is good enough to pull this off speaks volumes about narcissism, and I don't mean his character's.

[relco]

You're trying to combine third person omniscience with first person narrative, which I think is interesting. However, I think this is pretty annoying to read. There is no person who thinks like this, who mentally analyzes and comments on their every little action. It would take a pathologically narcissistic person, and I think much more than what you posted would be unbearable to read.

I doubt you're a good enough writer to pull this off, if it CAN be pulled off. If I were trying to do it, I think there'd be quite a bit more dialog and more of what he sees externally to try to tone down the narcissism, but the more you do that, the more it becomes just plain first person.

Interesting, but it's a no-go for me.

The narcissism is intentional--I'm glad it reads that way. It is going to be the story of a young man, highly arrogant at times, I suppose, trying to find his place in the world. So there will be lots of observing and commenting from afar, if you will.

[leslee]

I'm not sure why you wanted comments, relco. You seem to be very satisfied with what you've posted.

[relco]

I'm not sure why you wanted comments, relco. You seem to be very satisfied with what you've posted.

Well, at this point I am just clarifying that it was intentional... I am very interested in hearing opinions...

[simba major]

Important dialogue will be presented in the typical fashion, but I use those brief fragments to show the main character's internal thoughts. Kind of like how you might process a conversation if you are only half paying attention. Here is another excerpt that might give you a better idea:


“Where did you go to school?”

“Florida State. You?”

“Brown.”

An innocent white lie. Make her think I’m from old money. Of course I’m better than you.

Bending over the icebox to retrieve bottles of beer. Taking more time than required to obtain the Bud Light, which I know from experience are right on top. Thank you. Marvelous figure. Reminds me of the girl whose name I cannot speak, nor can I ever forget.

The hands of the clock continue to spin, and I continue to tap the bar. She continues to laugh and smile. And I continue to drink. Another Guinness is handed over and I thank her. Her bright blue eyes say no problem.

I stand to leave, clutching the bar briefly to stabilize myself, and bid Lauren farewell. Yes I will call you. Soon. Bye. A nod to the military men. Mind your manners. And I exit into the chill evening air, buttoning my field coat loosely across my chest.

Direct thoughts should be in italics just as direct speech should be in quotation marks in first person to distinguish it from narration. Some of these passages seem to straddle that distinction, which is confusing.