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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Query rewrite - any improvement?

    I hope I'm getting the message. If not, I'd like to be told. Thanks.


    William Prescott Smith is Earth’s only prospect for escaping the oppression of The Keepers. The time-bridge he created provides an opportunity for him to travel into the past – to a world not controlled by overwhelmingly powerful aliens. If he can prevent the activation of the beacon that originally summoned The Keepers, then they won’t learn of our existence, and humans will remain free pursue their own ambitions.

    Fully aware that the use of time travel carries with it the danger of creating catastrophic change, William must weigh that risk against the alternative, unending subjugation by The Keepers. He opts for a shot at freedom.

    When the aliens tighten their grip on Earth by suppressing recent advances in science and medicine, labeling them “dangerous technologies,” William sees his window of opportunity closing fast. He makes a mad dash for the past, where he plans seek out the assistance of a most unlikely partner, his past self, in the hope that together they can save the world.

    PANDORA’S BOX is a 73,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    This is better, but I'm still not understanding the story. What does Smith struggle against?... are the Keepers preventing him from getting to the time bridge? or does he face a different adversary once he makes the jump to the past? As it reads, it sounds like once he makes the time jump, the conflict is over—unless the dreaded "catastrophic change" occurs, in which case you have a different story. (I'm not saying you have to reveal the ending, but it might help us better comprehend the dynamics of your query.)

  3. #3
    Senior Member Susan B's Avatar
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    Again, take everything I say with a pinch of salt and if anyone disagrees with me- they are probably right. I had a little cut-and-paste edit of your query. This sounds like a great story, so I can see why you are finding it difficult to cut detail out of the query. I would think the same - what detail to leave out? It's all important!
    Good luck!

    P.S. I do love your last paragraph. Teaming up with his past self? Genius!

    Dear Agent [name],

    William Prescott Smith is Earth’s only hope. The time-bridge he created allows him to travel into the past – to a world not controlled by a powerful alien race known as ‘The Keepers’.

    If he can prevent the activation of the beacon that originally summoned The Keepers, they won’t learn of our existence, and humans will remain free. But time travel carries with it the danger of creating catastrophic change and William must weigh that risk against the alternative - unending subjugation by The Keepers. He opts for a shot at freedom.

    When the aliens tighten their grip, William sees his window of opportunity closing fast. He makes a mad dash for the past, where he plans seek out the assistance of a most unlikely partner, his past self, in the hope that together they can save the world.

    PANDORA’S BOX is a 73,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your consideration.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Susan B's Avatar
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    Yup. And everything Jayce said too. (Cross-posted).

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jazzhugs View Post
    If you want to learn how to write a top notch query, synopsis and book marketing plan, you should get Elisabet Holm's "how to get published without an agent" ($1.99 at smashwords and amazon). The book not only gives detailed instructions on how to write a professional submission packet it also lists dozens of traditional publishers that accept manuscripts directly from the author. I just finished writing my query, synopsis and marketing plan and getting ready to submit to 10 publishers I found from the book.
    Dude, this is bordering on spam.

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