Page one, PANDORA'S BOX

[Smiling Curmudgeon]

n.p.

The first six paragraphs are a couple-five galaxies away from connecting to your reader. Get rid of them or conjure an entirely different way of imparting the same information.

The remainder is full of clunky dialogue, missing words, grammar errors and general over over-writing. Not to mention jamming in back story in awkward dialogue.

I do see an ability to write, but I don't see a developed ability to tell a tale. The difference is fundamental. The ability to write coherent sentences is a crucial building block. The ability to tell a riveting tale requires you take the next huge step. If you don't already, read like crazy in your genre. Do so for two reasons. Pleasure is one. Absorbing some of the craft by osmosis is another.

I thought "His tells were too obvious," was fine.

I don't think you're nearly ready to query. Also don't think a round or three of editing is what you need. Spend time learning more about the craft of telling a compelling tale. Then re-write your story from page one. After that, it may be time to edit. Will that take a while? Emphatically yes. Unless you're willing to invest the time and energy to do those things, I suspect you'll be pushing a rope.

Don't be discouraged by my thoughts. First, they're worth exactly what you paid for 'em. If you pee black ink, writing may be in your blood. Go for it. OTOH, there's no dishonor if you don't wish to spend the time and energy. There are lots of other worthwhile things to spend time on.

Don't hesitate to ignore.

Cur

[n.p.doeleman]

Thanks for the help, Jayce.

[n.p.doeleman]

Thanks, Simba. I hoped I could make that work, but I guess not. Oh, Well.

[simba major]

If it's any consolation, I don't think it's the execution; it's the concept.