First attempt at query.

[n.p.doeleman]

Hi,

I could use suggestions on how to improve this query. Thanks in advance for any assistance you can give me.



Dear Agent,

Saying William Prescott Smith has a brilliant mind that makes him an innovative genius is like saying Helen of Troy had a pretty face that made her attractive to sailors. Nevertheless, the prototype of William’s recent creation, a time-bridge, sits collecting dust after extensive testing revealed that its potential misuse could be devastating. In a fit of moral conscience, he decided that the world was not ready for it, but maybe now it is, because now the Keepers are coming!

Summoned by a mysterious artifact on the moon, extraterrestrials are coming to Earth to study mankind. Their self-proclaimed mission is to isolate and protect developing worlds by preventing the spread of dangerous technologies. But Earthlings soon recognize the Keepers for the oppressors they are, not the benevolent guides they claim to be. Earth is becoming a kind of zoological garden, where humans play the part of helpless wildlife and aliens are the condescending zookeepers.

The Keepers’ technology is overwhelmingly superior -- a caveman can’t wage war against nuclear weapons. William is forced to weigh possible calamity if his time-bridge becomes public, against assured subjugation if the Keepers persist. He opts for a shot at freedom. Seeking to enlist help of a most unlikely partner, his earlier self, our hero sets out to save the world by undoing the past.

I am a former physics teacher seeking representation for my 73,000-word science fiction novel, PANDORA’S BOX. Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,

[Susan B]

Hi n.p. d,

Welcome to WN. I can give you my first thoughts about this, based upon what I am learning from this site of query letters. I am unpublished, so please take what I say with a pinch of salt.

The opening line is a bit clunky. I think the Helen of Troy simile is a bit wordy and you should save that for the book. Make your query concise.

Saying William Prescott Smith has a brilliant mind. that makes him an innovative genius is like saying Helen of Troy had a pretty face that made her attractive to sailors. Nevertheless, the prototype of William’s recent creation, a time-bridge, sits collecting dust after extensive testing revealed that its potential misuse could be devastating. In a fit of moral conscience, he decided that the world was not ready for it, but maybe now it is, because now the Keepers are coming!

I would cut the first paragraph back to the bare bones. Also, take out the exclamation mark at the end of '...the Keepers are coming!' - if you keep that line.

I love the sound of this story, but I would try and be more concise in your next two paras- remember the agent will have tons of queries to read each day.

Having said that, your hook about the time-bridge and the potential devastation it could cause is not really explained.

Like I said, I'm unpublished- these are just my thoughts. Good luck!

[Reade]

Here's my two cents. I tried to simplify it as much as possible. Keep in mind that I am also unpublished.


William Prescott Smith has a brilliant mind. Nevertheless, the prototype of William’s recent creation, a time-bridge, sits collecting dust after extensive testing revealed that its potential misuse could be devastating. In a fit of moral conscience, he decided that the world was not ready for it, that is, until an alien race arrived, the Keepers.

Summoned by a mysterious artifact on the moon, extraterrestrials are coming to Earth to study mankind. Their self-proclaimed mission is to isolate and protect developing worlds by preventing the spread of dangerous technologies. But Earthlings soon recognize the Keepers for the oppressors they are, not the benevolent guides they claim to be. Earth is becoming a kind of zoological garden, where humans play the part of helpless wildlife and aliens are the dominating zookeepers.

The Keepers’ technology is overwhelmingly superior - the caveman's club is no match against a nuclear weapons. William is forced to weigh possible calamity if his time-bridge becomes public, against assured subjugation if the Keepers persist. He opts for a shot at freedom. Seeking to enlist help of a most unlikely partner, his earlier self, our hero sets out to save the world by undoing the past.

PANDORA’S BOX is a 73,000 word science fiction novel. Thank you for your attention.

[n.p.doeleman]

Thanks for the input Susan, I'll keep trying.

[n.p.doeleman]

Thanks, Reade.

[Emily MacGowan]

Hi NP,

Again - unpublished here, grain of salt, yada yada yada.

I love the sound of your book! The writing in the query is good quality, but could do with some trimming. I agree with Susan about the simile you've opened with. I get what you're going for, but it's too long.

I see a lot of redundancies here - you often use two words to say what one will describe nicely:

innovative genius
extensive testing
potential misuse

I'd also lose the exclamation mark. I'd lose nearly every single exclamation mark in your book unless it's in dialogue where someone's shouting.

Last, but not least - watch your tenses. Do your best to put everything in present tense. Saying:

"extraterrestrials are coming to Earth to study mankind." throws in future tense, throws me off-balance, and adds nothing more to keeping it in present tense:

"extraterrestrials have come to Earth to study mankind. "

There’s also some strange past tense: he decided that the world was not ready - try putting it all in present.

Etc etc. I’d also reconsider : “William’s recent creation…”

His recent creation? Do you mean most recent, or latest? Recent is a very vague word. Avoid vagueness.

I like your 3rd paragraph a lot.

[n.p.doeleman]

Thanks for the specificity, Emily. It's very helpful.

[Emily MacGowan]

Glad I could help. The only other thing you could think about is flipping the query on its head completely. It's good how it is, but it's possible there exists, for every "good" query, a step-jump to a whole new level of awesomeness. Incremental changes vs radical redesign, you know. You could always start off with a big, bold statement about the Keepers.

You know, now I'm getting into it, instead of this line:

Summoned by a mysterious artifact on the moon, extraterrestrials are coming to Earth to study mankind.

I'd say "A frighteningly advanced race of extraterrestrials, known only as "The Keepers", have come to Earth. Their self-proclaimed... etc"

But now I'm just having fun.

Good luck! Are you interested in putting up a couple of pages for people to take a look at? We love excerpts

[Susan B]

Hey Jazzhugs, did you write this book? Just catching up on new posts and this is the third time you've posted about it!

[Jena Grace]

Hey Jazzhugs, did you write this book? Just catching up on new posts and this is the third time you've posted about it!

Seems like more.