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Thread: Shiver

  1. #1
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    Shiver

    Kind of an emotional poem I originally did for a weekly theme over on DA. It was written to maybe be a song.


    When it rains it pours,
    When it whispers it roars,
    When the end comes,
    Nobody can stop it.

    When it calls, we hear,
    When it draws us near,
    We have no other option,
    But to follow.

    So I stand here alone, in the rain.
    As the ones I love slowly fade away.

    Hold me close, my lady,
    Never let me go.
    Iím crying out my lady,
    And I know you hear me, so
    Hold me near you my lady,
    Hold me tight in your embrace.
    In the moonlight of your love,
    Until tomorrow never comes,
    And I shiver in the darkness,
    Until the sunlight shines,
    Once more.

    When it freezes, it snows,
    When we see it we know,
    There is nothing we can do,
    To change the past.

    When it falls down on you,
    Takes your life, runs it through,
    Find someone to hold,
    Until the end.

    So I stand here alone, in the rain.
    As the ones I love slowly fade away.

    Hold me close, my lady,
    Never let me go.
    Iím crying out my lady,
    And I know you hear me, so
    Hold me near you my lady,
    Hold me tight in your embrace.
    In the moonlight of your love,
    Until tomorrow never comes,
    And I shiver in the darkness,
    Until the sunlight shines,
    Once more.



  2. #2
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    Well, I think I like this more than dislike it, but maybe not, lol. I cannot envision this as a song in its present form – your syllable count is too erratic.

    I like the overall tone of the language, and the single note of hope at the end of the chorus. That’s primarily what I like about it – the tone. It is quiet, lonely, and sad with a touch of hope.

    What I don’t like about it is that it doesn’t mean much of anything, at least to me, though I suppose it means a great deal to you. There are no clear metaphors. It is mood without meaning. I have no idea what “it” is or who “my lady” is. It is not much more than a fog of emotion. It would be nice if I could see a few knives of meaning flashing in the fog.

    Here’s the extent of the meaning I received: Bad things are happening to me (possibly a lingering death of friend or family, or a once close relationship becoming distant), and I want to be comforted until the bad things pass. Pretty darn vague and shallow.

    Don’t get me wrong. It’s not awful. I just think it could be a heckuva lot better. Maybe if you told me what it was about, I could help.

  3. #3
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    I could totally see this as a song; I mean, have you ever looked over some of Stevie Nicks's lyrics to her songs? Or Elton John's? Some of them are way wierd, but with the right tune, they skyrocket to Billboard's Top Ten.

    Certainly, there could be improvement. But as a start, I kindof like it.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  4. #4
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    Thanks for responding! Truthfully, I don't know what 'it' is. It wasn't originally meant to be anything. The Lady is the Pagan Goddess, whether the main Goddess or one from a pantheon doesn't matter. It was written for a Pagan Deviantart group. It is kinda vague, though... Maybe 'it' is death. I don't know.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allison McClish View Post
    Thanks for responding! Truthfully, I don't know what 'it' is. It wasn't originally meant to be anything. The Lady is the Pagan Goddess, whether the main Goddess or one from a pantheon doesn't matter. It was written for a Pagan Deviantart group. It is kinda vague, though... Maybe 'it' is death. I don't know.
    Bets,

    The syllable count needs more consistency; it's all over the place. Fix that, then yeah...I could see this as a song.

    Allison,

    Well, if you don't know what you're writing about, I certainly don't, lol. I try hard NOT to write meaningless things. There's not much purpose to writing without meaning, ESPECIALLY poetry. Though, I'm first to admit there's a load of popular songs that don't make a lick of sense. Good luck. I don't think meaningless writing can be improved aside from structure. Let me know if you want to inject some meaning into it.

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