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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Feb 2012
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    Prolouge: (Berkley Lane: A Tale of Horrors

    A shadow darted around the corner, closely followed by its owner. Seething with resentment, the proud figure slid from room to room, prowling like the tigress she was. Ellie searched and hunted, looking for the object that would set her free from her torment. Muttering to herself, Ellie rifled through every drawer and cupboard of her two-story home.

    “Think I’m crazy…” She growled. “Think I need to be handed over like some miserable piece of trash…” her words slurred with a mixture of booze and anger. With a wicked smirk upon her face, she soon found the object of her desire. The gun felt heavy in her hands, the silver muzzle shone brilliantly in the overhead light and the smooth contours of the wooden handle slid into her hand easily, it was slightly heavy, yet another reminder of what she must do.

    She chuckled like a mad woman as she loaded the revolver of the gun, snapped it shut and cocked it. With the gun in hand, Ellie went to her dressing table and began to prepare. She slowly brushed out her long mane of flaming red hair, her green eyes sparkling with devilish intent. She fixed her hair, fastening it into her usual bun; the loose strands of hair curled around her oval face fantastically, complementing her gorgeous looks. Reaching up, she carefully placed a white **** in hair. Ellie went to her closet and picked out a matching white sleek gown, which hugged her curves marvelously. She loved the revealing slit that came to just about her hip. She felt vivacious… alive, something she hadn’t felt in years. She then picked up a pair of silver high heels, the largest, thinnest heel she had and slipped them onto her delicate feet. Ellie tightened them over her ankles and fastened them with a skill that spoke of years of practice. She then smiled again her lips now rouge red. Picking up the gun, she left the bedroom. She then walked down the hallway, her hips swaying slightly.

    As she neared her husband’s study, she raised the gun above her head, pulled the trigger, and let the first bullet fly. He of course came running out of the room, alarmed, wondering what his “crazy” wife was up to now. She smiled wickedly and pointed the gun towards his head. Her grin grew, “Still think I’m crazy?” She purred.
    Before he could say or do anything Mrs. Mathers pulled the trigger.

    In the silence of the evening of August third, 1949, three shots rang out…



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,016
    Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:

    “Think I’m crazy…” She growled.
    her words slurred
    a wicked smirk
    She chuckled green eyes sparkling with devilish intent
    She smiled wickedly
    Her grin grew, “Still think I’m crazy?” She purred.


    She's growling, smirking, grinning, purring, chuckling, sparkling. She's mad, devilish, crazy. In such a short piece of text, it comes across as extreme overkill.

    It's a big sign that says to the reader, "Look, folks! She's nuts! See it? See it?"

    The goal is to describe the character in a way that brings the reader to that conclusion without beating them over the head with it.

    She fixed her hair, fastening it into her usual bun; the loose strands of hair curled around her oval face fantastically, complementing her gorgeous looks.

    flaming red hair, her green eyes sparkling

    which hugged her curves marvelously

    These demonstrate the same problem. They scream, "She's pretty! Get it?" It's very superficial. Yes, you want to get a point across. But you can't do it this way and hold the interest of the reader.

    p.s. I assume the spelling "prolouge" is a typo.
    Last edited by leslee; 03-02-2012 at 11:04 AM.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    10

    Red face Thank you

    thank you, I have taken your critique into consideration and have removed most of those, it does read much better thank you I did however leave the "she smiled wickedly" and "she purred" but everything else I took out. I appricate the comment take it or leave it lol it felt like I was given advice instead of being bullied. I have never written in 3rd person before so this entire thing is a learning process for me, if there is anything else that comes to mind please dont hesitate to critique

    oh and p.s. yes it was a typo i didnt see that i had mixed the two letters up.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
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    6,016
    Thanks for being a good sport, AC.

    Sometimes people get upset when they are critiqued. Your open attitude will be a great help to you here, and when you are dealing with agents and editors in the future.
    Last edited by leslee; 03-02-2012 at 12:33 PM.

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