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  1. #1
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    Groceries on the Eve of Christmas

    Prose/poem~ not sure which... something I wrote for fun....



    Groceries on The Eve of Christmas

    You push your cart, I push mine. We have different things to buy. Pretending to be strangers, we flirt over produce. Cliche some might say, we do it anyway, smiling across scented melons, grapes that dangle, berries blushing. Smooth nectarines remind you of me. Drives you wild. You wink across the aisle. I break the biggest banana off the bunch, teasing you about something I want.

    I lean against you forgetting where we are, out in the open for everyone to see, but who's shopping at seven in the morning on the day of Christmas Eve?

    Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you, too', my mouthed words meet yours.

    You need a ham for Christmas day dinner, it's on her list. With swagger I'd not yet noticed, you convince the deli lady to unlock the fridge before 9am. Against the rules, but she bends them for you, just like I did. No regrets, not yet, not ever. She even gives you a coupon, 3 dollars off. It makes your day, along with seeing me.

    I need products of the feminine kind. Even ask if we're close enough to share this shopping experience. We've made love after all. You say I can tell you anything, you'll even help me shop for the best price. I tell you there are some things you just don't bargain for.

    Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you too', my mouthed words meet yours.

    In the dairy aisle, we're milk maids together. You confess never deleting our messages until you've read them over. I confess never deleting them at all. You joke that we're writing a best selling novel, the story of our love. I joke that someday when we're old, we'll sit in front of a fire and read through every word.

    We laugh down the aisle of wine. You're making sangria. I tell you mine's the best kind, made with red wine and Brandy. It's hard core, you say, and you'll try it someday when we share the life we dream of. We giggle at the fun we'll have, tipsy together forever. I confess to trying anything after two glasses. You raise an eyebrow at the possibilities.

    Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you, too', my mouthed words meet yours.

    I ask why you're buying so much soda, I'm caffeine free. You say it's something she needs for her headaches, migraines of the throw up kind. "Oh, that's too bad." I offer false sympathy, but you don't seem to notice. Thank goodness.

    She calls wondering what's taking so long, then adds more to the list.

    He sends a text wondering where the cupcake went. The one with green icing leftover from last night's birthday party. I respond with an 'I don't know', but confess to you I ate it when the house was dark and quiet.

    He's afraid it's gone to my ass. You can't keep your hands off my ass. He's afraid it's added girth to my belly, the belly you've kissed and tickled, even told me was beautiful.

    Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you, too', my mouthed words meet yours.

    It took two hours to shop. The little glances, slight touches, and laughs took so long.

    At the check, I go first. The cashier wonders what's our story, obviously so in love, but checking out separately. Neither one of us gives a damn, we continue our story until the moment we must say goodbye. Out there in the parking lot.

    You help put groceries in the trunk of my mommy car. You wish me a Merry Christmas, tell me you love me, and to always find you. I promise I will.

    My empty cart strolls away with yours, across the lot to your car. We wave goodbye, until the next time, neither of us knowing when that will be. Neither of us all that anxious to return to separate lives.

    Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you, too', my mouthed words meet yours.

    It's Christmas Eve.....



  2. #2
    Liza B.
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    Amy.... I like this piece, and the premise!

    My only comment is that I think these two lines are repeated too many times, and is a bit to "on the nail":

    "Your lips form silent words.
    'I love you, too', my mouthed words meet yours."

    I think it spells too much out for the reader, and the text would be more interesting without it. To me, this piece reads like flash fiction, and that repetitive stanza might work better in a poem. Although you mentioned this piece is a cross between both, repeating that one phrase five times just doesn't work for me.

    Other than that, nice job!
    Last edited by Liza B.; 02-27-2012 at 04:37 PM.

  3. #3
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    Hey Liza B. ~ thanks for stoping by and reading something of mine!! I so appreciate the time and also your helpful comments.

    I think I know what you mean by "on the nail" and about it spelling out too much for the reader. I will take it out and see how it reads.... I started this as a poem, so perhaps that's why it got left in there. Then once you get used to it being there, it seems like it belongs. BUT I see your point.... it might tell too much that the reader can assume on their own... Thanks girl! I'm very happy you enjoyed it.
    Amylou

  4. #4
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Yeah, lose the refrain. It's prose.

    Sad and pathetic...but dead on.

    I thought it very well written with just a few problems, but nothing that really needs to change, aside from that refrain.

    I take it back. I re-read it, and "products of the feminine kind" and "migraines of the throw-up kind" just bother me too much. People don't talk like that. Change those. Anything else I have is just niggling things.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 02-28-2012 at 06:39 AM.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Yeah, lose the refrain. It's prose.

    Sad and pathetic...but dead on.

    I thought it very well written with just a few problems, but nothing that really needs to change, aside from that refrain.

    I take it back. I re-read it, and "products of the feminine kind" and "migraines of the throw-up kind" just bother me too much. People don't talk like that. Change those. Anything else I have is just niggling things.
    John, hi~ thank you so very much... you critiqued something of mine a long time ago and I've never forgotten the help... I really do appreciate you taking the time to read this. So I will take out the refrain and see how I like it... I saw this couple, I envisioned they said this to each other, but I will try it without it.... got it!
    Also, when you say Sad and Pathetic... but dead on, I assume that it's a compliment? I'll take it as one.. LOL Funny the two lines you mention trip me up a little too... but when it was written as a poem i think it worked... I understand your point, it's a good one...

    Thanks again so very much!
    Amylou

  6. #6
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Well, this is no poem. It's prose. That refrain does not make it a poem. Actually, I thought the refrain badly written and a distraction. I agree with Liza that this is flash fiction.

    What I like about this piece is how you show this "relationship" is based entirely on glaring lies and deceit, but mute it with love talk. They're being ruthless, heartless, and faithless, but their "love" blinds them to it, but not the reader. I think it's excellent...without the refrain.

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