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Thread: Hi everyone

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    99

    Hi everyone

    I haven't had much time to play with my query while dealing with my fathers illness, but on my lunch hour I decided to play with it. As always, I respect and appreciate the critques. Here is my newest attempt. Thanks in advance for all your help.

    Dear Agent _______,

    FBI agent Gina Russo’s career heightened her keen awareness. Be skeptical and when necessary shoot first, ask questions later.

    Her personal life taught her to do what ever it takes to guard her heart after the love of her life dumped her for another woman, one month prior to their wedding date. She buried herself in her work, a failed attempt to dull the deep pain.

    When her life is threatened by a man she doesn't know and a series of bizarre poems arrive at her front door, the bureau assigns her a partner. The charismatic, yet egotistical Joey Zizacara arrives and shadows her every move.

    Gina’s defense mechanism against falling in love starts to disintegrate as the two agents try to unravel the mystery of the rhymester's twisted vendetta against her before time runs out or she could end up dead.

    Now she's fueled like never before to unravel the clues to learn the crazy bastard’s identity and bring his ass down for not only threatening her life, but for causing Joey to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.


    I look forward to sharing THE FINAL CLUE. A 120,000 word, character driven romantic suspense novel set in New York City.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Central Virginia
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    The query is just running around in a wordy haze until paragraph three, and that's a terribly weak opening sentence (awareness of what?). For starters this could all be reduced (by 65 words) to something like the following, I think, without losing anything of significance. This would give you space to add those writing credits and that evidence of experience in the NYPD that will convince the agent you're grounded in writing this novel for the mainstream market:

    When FBI agent Gina Russo’s life is threatened by a man she doesn't know and a series of bizarre poems arrive at her front door, the bureau assigns her the charismatic, yet egotistical Joey Zizacara as her partner. Despite suffering from having been dumped by the love of her life one month before her wedding, Gina’s defense mechanism against falling in love starts to disintegrate as the two agents try to unravel the mystery of the rhymester's twisted vendetta against her.

    Now she's fueled like never before to unravel the clues to learn the crazy bastard’s identity and bring his ass down for not only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey to enter and disrupt her comfort zone.

    THE FINAL CLUE is a 120,000-word, character-driven romantic suspense novel set in New York City.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    99
    Thank you Gary,
    Sorry it took so long to respond. I've been dealing with my dad that's ill and haven't had time for much.
    Thanks again for your input. It's appreciated more than you know.
    Sincerely,
    Cheryl

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