Trial Query for Work in Process

[jayce]

I’m close to completing a detailed step outline for a thriller, so far accumulating about 15,000 words worth of 3x5 cards, scene fragments, dialog, etc. Before I stitch it together into a full-length draft, I wrote the following “pretend” query letter, to test if the story premise works.

Comments, please.
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Dear Agent:

Of Time and Chance is an 80,000-word thriller.

At the height of the Libyan rebellion, an American oilman returns to Tripoli to help the CIA abduct a notorious war criminal; but when a terrorist bomb eliminates the CIA team, he must struggle alone to complete the mission.

I studied Journalism at the University of Alabama, and worked as a news writer for Knight Ridder. The background for the story draws upon several years that I worked in the Libyan Sahara.

Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

jayce

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

At the height of the Libyan rebellion, an American oilman returns to Tripoli to help the CIA abduct a notorious war criminal; but when a terrorist bomb eliminates the CIA team, he must struggle alone to complete the mission.

Nice. I think you're off to a good start, Jayce. I like the way you nailed the storyline. You may want to expand it, you may not, but it's a good beginning and if you left it as is, that might be fine. I think an agent would appreciate your brevity.

My suggestions - Put a period after criminal, delete "but" and start a second sentence. So, that would make it:

At the height of the Libyan rebellion, an American oilman returns to Tripoli to help the CIA abduct a notorious war criminal. When a terrorist bomb eliminates the CIA team, he must struggle alone to complete the mission.

I'm wondering - why the underline under the name of the book? I'd remove that.

[Kitty Foyle]

My suggestions - Put a period after criminal, delete "but" and start a second sentence. So, that would make it:

I agree with this. Zap the semi-colon.

*_*

[Gary Kessler]

Looks good enough in content for me, because it zeros in on your experience for writing such a novel. It's really all an agent/publisher needs to know to express interest if it's what they are looking for in a project.

I agree with the fix suggested for the semicolon, and the title should be in all caps (which seems to be the traditional way for query letters) or in double quotes. Double quotes for manuscripts not yet published, italics for published books, underlined for practically nothing in the computer age)

If you want someone to look it over from the CIA op angle, I'd be happy to. I spent four years as the Middle East bureau chief of the Agency's news agency.

[Smiling Curmudgeon]

Jayce,

I have some comments. You know the drill. Feel free to ignore my thoughts. Others may disagree with any/all of 'em.

At the height of the Libyan rebellion, an American oilman returns to Tripoli to help the CIA abduct a notorious war criminal; but when a terrorist bomb eliminates the CIA team, he must struggle alone to complete the mission. FIRST, I AGREE WITH THE COMMENTS ABOUT THE SEMI-COLON. FAR AS I KNOW, THE DAMN THINGS ARE CONSIDERED RABID PESTS IN MOST CIVILIZED COUNTRIES.

I LIKE THIS OPENING. IT'S SHORT AND TO THE POINT. BUT I THINK YOU NEED MORE LIFE IN YOUR Q. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET ME INVESTED IN YOUR PROTAG. I DON'T EVEN KNOW SOMETHING AS TINY AS HIS NAME. CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY THE CIA RECRUITED HIM TO HELP THEM. DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY HE STAYS ON AFTER THE TEAM IS KILLED.

CONSIDER ADDING A WORD OR THREE TO YOUR OPENING PARAGRAPH TO GIVE It SOME LIFE. AS YOU KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS WHEN WN WAS AN ACTIVE BOARD, WE FREQUENTLY SAW QUERIES THAT WERE WAY TOO LONG. SOMEONE MAY YELL AT ME FOR THIS, BUT THIS ONE IS TOO SHORT. DAMN, NOT SURE I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE REGARDING A Q.

THEN CONSIDER ADDING A SECOND PARAGRAPH TO FLESH OUT WHAT YOUR PROTAG AND TALE ARE ALL ABOUT. SOMETHING TO GET ME TENSE. SOMETHING TO GET ME TO WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR PROTAG.

I GUESS WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS THIS. LEAN PROSE IS LIKE LEAN MEAT. IT'S A GOOD THING. BUT EVERY DIET NEEDS A LITTLE FAT FOR FLAVOR. THIS EARLY CUT AT YOUR Q HAS NO FLAVOR FOR THIS READER. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. YOU'RE WORKING ON IT EARLY ON IN YOUR PROCESS. THAT'S GOOD.

I studied Journalism at the University of Alabama, and worked as a news writer for Knight Ridder. The background for the story draws upon several years that I worked in the Libyan Sahara. CONSIDER "BACKGROUND FOR THE STORY/TALE/ADVENTURE IS DRAWN FROM SEVERAL YEARS I WORKED IN THE LIBYAN SAHARA." EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS CUT, GIVE STRONG THOUGHT TO DELETING "THAT."

CAPS off. Hope this is useful.

Cur

[Gary Kessler]

Well, I think agents and publishers would be relieved to see everything they needed to know about a current thriller on Libya they were shopping for laid out in just two short, confident, no nonsense paragraphs rather than having to wade through the normal yadadadada to get to what they initially need to know to feed their interest.

ONCE AGAIN, the query is a business letter promoting a project, not the blurb trying to "oh my gosh" sell one copy of the book.

[Susan B]

Wow, Jayce. That's how to write a query. It would take an agent about thirty seconds to read, gives all the information they need and none they don't. I'm taking notes here.

[jayce]

Thanks all. I was apprehensive about the minimalist approach, but considering the response, I believe this is what I’ll use when the time comes to actually submit a query.

I don’t think I’ll ever learn the rules about titles—all caps here, underscore there. With me, some things just don’t stick. It’s like in school, with sine and cosine: I always had to draw a little triangle to study.

Banishment for the semicolon. B-a-a-a-d semicolon.

So thanks for the lessons. You guys are a tough crowd to play to, and to come away with my epidermis intact is a personal achievement.

For anyone who’s interested (Cur?), I was swayed toward the less-is-more concept by a couple of on-line articles, one by Noah Lukeman, the other by a Hollywood story editor.

Lukeman, in How to Write a Great Query Letter, says that “offering a long plot description is a mistake, since at this early stage, agents only want to consider your query in the broadest possible sense.” He also suggests writing a story logline (not a tagline, which serves a different purpose).

That led me to article two, The Construction of a Logline, by Christopher Lockhart, who for nine years ran the story department at ICM. Lockhart defines logline as “the story boiled down to its base.” I know, it’s the movies and some of what he presents is extraneous to novels, but the principles of good story telling transcend media. For anyone struggling to distill 300 pages down to 30 words, this is a good place to start.

Thanks again. Now all I gotta do is write the sum’bitch.

(And Gary, yes, I'll take you up on your extraordinarily kind offer. I'll PM you when I get to that point.)