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Thread: Revised Query

  1. #1
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    Revised Query

    Dear _______

    I Told My Mind To Shut Up, is a 60,000 word memoir that shows how to conquer great obstacles in order to get what you want—no matter what your mind says. When my wife and son were simultaneously diagnosed with multiple tumors, it sent me into a state of panic. Until then, my life had equipped me with the mental tools to think clearly, make good decisions, and help my family. Now my mind barraged me with negative thoughts. I Told My Mind To Shut Up is a detailed account of how I empowered myself through difficult periods, and helped my son to survive one of the most complicated neurological surgeries in medical history.

    I had come a long way—from an abandoned teenager to a successful entrepreneur and teacher. Along the way, I acquired a New Age perspective for defeating the demons of my mind and navigating my businesses and later my family toward positive outcomes. I Told My Mind To Shut Up takes this a step further, and its uniqueness will appeal to the New Age marketplace. Readers of this genre will see how it cuts right to the chase in applying what they have been reading about in books by Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra and others.

    As an English teacher with a Masters Degree in Education, I deliver the messages in this book to students and adults on a regular basis during classes and workshops. I am also an experienced public speaker, having done thousands of performances as a professional entertainer. This gives me instant access to an extensive audience and niche market. I would, of course, be more than willing to promote my work at speaking engagements of any kind. Thank you for considering this proposal, and I look forward to hearing from you.


    Best Regards,



  2. #2
    Senior Member Susan B's Avatar
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    Greg,

    I think this reads much better, but- like I said before- what do I know about writing a query!
    Much more succinct. Better title too.

    Good luck

  3. #3
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    Thank you Susan.

  4. #4
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Now my mind barraged me with negative thoughts.

    I think this would read better as "Now my mind was barraged with negative thoughts."

    Also, there are a lot of mes and mys, especially in the first paragraph. I don't know how you want to revise that, but give it some thought.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #5
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    Yeah, Greg, this is a lot better. One phrase that trips me up is this: ...having done thousands of performances as a professional entertainer. This makes you sound like a night club act, which is fine if that's the spin you want to put on it. But if your gigs convey a more serious, inspirational tone, you might consider changing it to something like ...having made thousands of presentations as a professional speaker. Your history as a successful speaker is key to the marketability of your book; you want to be accurate in your description of it.

    Good luck.

  6. #6
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    Jayce, I would like my speaker experience to have come from professional engagements, but the truth is I have done over seven thousand shows as a professional magician. The new show I put on now, as a motivational speaker, is quite different, but my skills were acquired as an entertainer. Changes in my "show" were also influenced from being a teacher for the past eight years. I thought about that too in my letter, but I want to be truthful. You are right though, it sounds a little strange.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by C Bets View Post
    Now my mind barraged me with negative thoughts.

    I think this would read better as "Now my mind was barraged with negative thoughts."

    Also, there are a lot of mes and mys, especially in the first paragraph. I don't know how you want to revise that, but give it some thought.
    Thank you C. I will work on that.

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