First query draft. Trying to get it all in.

[greg winick]

Dear

I completed a book called I Told My Mind To Shut The F*ck Up, Seeing Past The Mind Created Story Of My Life. This 60,000 word memoir does more than just narrate my life. It shows how to conquer unbelievable obstacles in order to get what you want—no matter what your mind says.

Perhaps your mind supplies you with haunting thoughts. Anxious, maddening, or distracting thoughts. Perhaps it is telling you that something can’t be done…

Or maybe what you really need is to tell your mind to shut the f*ck up.

This is my story, and I am telling it so others can learn something useful. I had a big problem: My wife and son were simultaneously diagnosed with multiple tumors. The diagnosis sent me into a state of panic. Until then, my life had equipped me with the mental tools to think clearly, make good decisions, and help my family survive. I just had to tell my mind to shut the f*ck up so I could use them.

I had come a long way—from an abandoned teenager to a successful entrepreneur and teacher. Along the way, I acquired a New Age perspective for defeating the demons of my mind and navigating my life and my family towards a positive outcome. Thanks to it, I could help my son fight to survive one of the most complicated neurological surgeries in medical history.

The uniqueness of this book may fair well in the New Age marketplace. Readers of this genre may see how I Told My Mind To Shut the F*ck Up cuts right to the chase in applying what they have been reading about in books by Eckhardt Tolle, Deepok Choprah and others while striving to live the enlightened life.

I am an English teacher with a Masters in Education who wrote most of this book while sitting on a chair for three months next to my son's hospital bed. I am also an expert public speaker, as I have done thousands of performances as a professional entertainer. I deliver the messages in this book to students and adults on a regular basis during classes and workshops. I would be more than willing to promote my work at speaking engagements of any kind. I thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

I completed a book

This is not the way you begin a query letter.

You have to do the basic homework on Q letters before you begin to write one. The goal is not to "get it all in." The goal is to write a letter that will hold the attention of an agent with three or four cohesive paragraphs, and there is plenty you should leave out. You can start your research here:

http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx

Please also read the multitude of query letters posted on WN and get an idea of what a Q letter should look and sound like.

You may have written an interesting book, but this rambling, poorly-constructed letter will probably not help you sell it. Remember that an agent reads hundreds of letters. Your has to stand out, and represent you as a quality writer. Do your homework, learn the basics of Q construction, and start over.

And if you're going to name other writers, please spell their names correctly. For a guy claiming to have a masters in education, it shouldn't be too much effort to look up a name. You can't afford to be lazy. Believe me, the agent will notice.

It's Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra.

I'm sorry to be tough on you. But, truthfully, if your book is written in this same careless, unfocused manner, you need to proofread every page and take a scalpel to it before you send a query letter.

Best of luck to you.

[greg winick]

Not sure you really have any specific suggestions here other than the misspelled author names. "Claiming to have a masters in education" sounds kind of condescending to me, but OK, I guess you didn't mean to be. Rambling and poorly constructed? Too much info, I guess? Trying to include all the suggested info from the query sites. Not very helpful suggestions really. Thanks for trying.

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

You're not going to get any additional specific suggestions from me, Greg, other than this: do your homework.

Nobody is born knowing how to write these things. We all had to work at it. Are you hoping someone will rewrite it for you? Well, maybe they will. That does happen here from time to time.

Sorry you don't find my efforts helpful. Perhaps someone else will come along and provide something you like better.

[greg winick]

I totally get who you are now.

[leslee]

I see you altered your post that called me "nasty." Well, I saw it. And you can think anything you choose.

If you think I'm nasty, good luck in the publishing industry.

I've given you some good advice, but you don't like it. That's okay. It's just my opinion, after all.

[leslee]

I totally get who you are now.

Yeah, right.

[greg winick]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

You're not going to get any additional specific suggestions from me, Greg, other than this: do your homework.

Nobody is born knowing how to write these things. We all had to work at it. Are you hoping someone will rewrite it for you? Well, maybe they will. That does happen here from time to time.

Sorry you don't find my efforts helpful. Perhaps someone else will come along and provide something you like better.

I do, in fact, take any advice I can get.

I see you altered your post that called me "nasty." Well, I saw it. And you can think anything you choose.

If you think I'm nasty, good luck in the publishing industry.

I've given you some good advice, but you don't like it. That's okay. It's just my opinion, after all.

[greg winick]

You are nasty though. Sorry. It's just my opinion. You don't have to listen to it.

[leslee]

I won't be calling you any names. I'll leave that to you.

But if you decide to vilify every person who gives you advice you don't like, it could be a very long list.

Goodnight.