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  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    Using the word "complete" or not using it won't sink your chances.
    I agree with this. It's a non-issue.


    I didn't compeletely read every other comment, so if I repeat something, sorry. You do realize that YA is supposed to be about teenagers, right? And that you need to give the MC's age in your query? How old is Nox and how'd she have so many kids? Also, though I realize this is a fantasy, you have no "YA voice" here at all. As for Baldric, where did he come from? I thought this was Nox's story. Are you using dual POVs? If not, scrap Baldric's bit and concentrate on Nox.

    You have some punctuation (you need a comma after "in her rage") and spelling issues (vengeance, not vengence). This is also much too vague and riddled with cliches ("discovers shocking facts"? What facts? If they're so shocking, then share them with the agent because you need SOMETHING to garner her interest). This last bit especially--He must cast away his family and everything he was raised to believe, to prove his loyalties to Nox and her children, giving them both a chance at the love that was taken from them so many eons ago--is over the top, cliche-wise, and tells us absolutely nothing.



  2. #12
    Junior Member
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    Peter Sacco

    I am also agree with but i don't know the what is the main point.

  3. #13
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    Okay.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for sharing, Peter.

    *_*

  5. #15
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  6. #16
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    Any excuse to throw in a link.

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