A lamb to the slaughter

[Alysha Mays]

Looking for an honest reveiw as I know I will get from here.

CHILDREN OF NOX is a young adult novel complete at - words.

A night of passion turns to tragedy when a jealous brother convinces his tribe to take the life of Altmir, lover to Nox. In her rage Nox, the goddess of night, vows vengence and from her own children creates Vampires and werewolves, setting them free to ravage to the earth.

Now cursed to live as a mortal, Nox is reincarnated as Callign, her memories wiped clean and her powers stripped. However, the children born of that long ago affair need her to remember, or their entire world will be sacrificed to the wrath of the Hunters from that past tribe.

Baldric a decedent of the tribesmen, now known as Hunters, is hot on their trail when he discovers shocking facts kept secret by his dead father. Facts that leads him to believe he is the reincarnation of Altmir and it is only with his blood that Nox will return to the heavens. He must cast away his family and everything he was raised to believe, to prove his loyalties to Nox and her children, giving them both a chance at the love that was taken from them so many eons ago.

[Kitty Foyle]

Don't most agents/publishers expect a new author to submit only completed manuscripts? You don't need the "complete" word in there; it's assumed it already is.

*_*

[Alysha Mays]

yes alot of agents want them to be done, but I've also had a lot of agents tell me that they want to know straight up if it's done rather then having to guess.

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

alot of agents want them to be done

Agents expect your novel to be complete before you send a query letter. Unless you are a successful writer, or famous, you generally cannot sell an incomplete novel. Famous people can get away with anything!

I've also had a lot of agents tell me that they want to know straight up if it's done rather then having to guess.

A lot of agents? So, have you already been sending out this Q letter and you've received responses? Did they read chapters and give you any suggestions?

I find your Q letter confusing. I can't figure out what the central storyline is.

A night of passion turns to tragedy when a jealous brother convinces his tribe to take the life of Altmir, lover to Nox.

If Nox is your protagonist, why do you begin with "a jealous brother" instead of your main character? At the end of that sentence, I was saying, "So? Who the heck is Nox?" You've got a jealous brother, some guy named Altmir, and someone named Nox, but we don't know who any of them are. Also, "A night of passion," is a big cliche, and I wouldn't start with it. This sentence is not the best hook for a Q letter.

Facts that leads him to believe

That would be lead, not leads.

[Alysha Mays]

Ok too many of you are getting hung up on the word "complete." I put it in there because I know from the blogs of literary agents I've read that it is a good thing to say especially when your a new writer because if the agent does get interested they don't want to be dissappointed if its not done. Yes my MS is "complete" I put quotes because no matter how many times you go through a MS, you will always find something to fix. Even the famous authors do.

As for the critques on the actual QL content, thank you, it helps.

[leslee]

I know from the blogs of literary agents I've read

Okay, now it's not that a lot of agents have told you. It's the blogs you've read.

As for "too many" of us being "hung up" on the word "complete," a grand total of two people have mentioned it. The only two who have responded to you so far.

Do your letter any way you like. You're in charge. Using the word "complete" or not using it won't sink your chances.

when your a new writer

It's you're, not your.

[Emily MacGowan]

Hi Alysha,

The 'to say complete' argument is an eternally raging one. If your word-count looks like that of a typical young-adult novel, and your query is polished and professional, I think an agent will probably assume the novel is complete (I'm not an agent and am really not qualified to make that guess, though). Then again, I can't imagine an agent knocking back your query because you used the word 'complete'. It's up to you!

As for the query - whoa!! So much information. To be honest, Alysha, I had to read and re-read to try and figure out what was going on, when the novel was set, what the world was like, and who on earth was the young-adult in the story. It doesn't sound anything like a young-adult story, the way you've told it. It sounds like a fantasy novel centred around a middle-aged woman (because you've talked a lot about her children, and her being a mother).

I'm assuming Callign is a teenager? (only because you said young-adult, not because of anything you mentioned in the query). Further, I have no idea whether the "present" of the novel, where Callign lives, is middle-earth, or modern-day new york... I've got no context. I can't picture it.

I think there's way too much plot in here, and it's hugely confusing to me! This is just my opinion, but I have no idea who these characters are, only that somebody's blood is needed for somebody's mother to ascend to heaven. Oh, and they're all re-incarnations of... somebody. I got lost!

I'd suggest choosing a character and focusing on them. I'd also suggest trying to give us a glimpse of their personality, and definitely some world-building sentences, too. I need to know if this is an urban fantasy, or straight-up fantasy. It really matters. I also, definitely, need to know how old your main character is. Because currently I'm putting her at mid-thirties.

I hope that helps - that's all just my opinion. You have a very complex novel which I'm sure is a great read (I love complex plots) but you really have to pick and choose what you put in the query. It's not a synopsis - it's a pitch. Pick the coolest bits of your book to pique the agent's interest.

[Emily MacGowan]

Also - I just want to add - I'm assuming the bulk of your novel is set in the "present" - that is, Callign's time. But you don't actually mention any of the present characters doing anything at all. Callign doesn't remember who she was. Baldric is hot on her trail (why? Is she running? Why would she have a 'trail' and he be hot on it?) and then he realises something. He must do some casting aside. There isn't actually any action here, just not-remembering, realising, and casting aside. I think the query could really improve if you spend some time talking about what actually happens to these central characters. I'm thinking something like:

Callign hasn't spent more than a year in one place. Just when she's settling into a new school, the Hunters appear and her family are forced to run for their lives. Callign doesn't know who the Hunters are, or why they're after her. All she knows is that they want her dead.

Etc etc. I'm just making crap up. But stuff happens - the single word 'school' tells me this is probably modern-day. And there's drama. I know this is probably NOT your story, but as a very oblique example, can you see what I'm getting at? Maybe you should consider forgetting the whole I'm-the-mother-of-werewolves thing and focus on your MC? Eh, it's your query, and these are just suggestions. Please feel free to completely ignore them.

[Lea Zalas]

Alysha, if most of your novel takes place in the modern world, start there. The rest is backstory. Which character (or two) is the main character? That's who your query needs to focus on.

As for Baldric, you don't need to get into such detail. I.e., Just as he's found Callign's and her family, Baldric discovers he may be Callign's reincarnated lover. See - no need to explain further that it's a secret, that it may shatter his life, or that it was his father who kept the secret. Some details just aren't relevant to a query letter.

[Keith .]

Your query says nothing to hook me into asking to read more. Here's my opinion.

Something happens or fails to happen at or very near the beginning of your story that thrusts your main character into conflict. A tornado carries her off to another land. His family is murdered and a mysterious message from a beautiful princess draws him into the alliance rebelling against the empire. He's bitten by a radioactive blah, blah blah. You get it. So use that event to build a hook that entices the reader into asking to see more. That's all a query is.

People say to have X paragraphs of synopsis, X lines of bio. I disagree. Terrific writing and a compelling, marketable story make an agent ask to see more.

Good luck. And please stop writing the term alot, unless you're referring to the distribution between or among things. That word is spelled a-l-l-o-t. A-l-o-t with one L is not a word. Sorry, pet peeve.